(Closed) Why do you think some couples choose to never marry?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3613 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Susan Sarandon once said she and Tim Robbins thought by not getting married they could avoid taking each other for granted, but that it still happened and they everntually split. I guess that’s the motivation for couples, to keep things interesting and exciting, to not see each other in the bag. By living together and having kids though, I think it still amounts to the same thing whether you’ve signed a paper or not.

Post # 4
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

This may be an unpopular opinion but couples who choose not to get married are unwilling to take their relationship and commitment to the level of marriage.   

I’m not one of those who buys into the notion that living together is the same as marriage or that old saw about marriage being “just a piece of paper. 

Post # 5
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

Hi! Neat question and even neater username.  I don’t really care about getting married at all.  Reasons are:

1. Been married before and it is EXACTLY the same as how my bf and I of 7 years are living our lives right now but without legal aspects.  I think that this is the hardest thing to accept to people that have never been married and view marriage as some type of goal or achievement.

2. I’m not religious so don’t bind myself to any religious duties.

3. I’m a ‘if it’s not broke don’t fix it’ kind of girl and my relationship as it stand is perfect in every way for me.  I don’t feel any kind of need to do anything further with it since it is exactly the way I’ve always wanted.

However, you’re right!  I’m on weddingbee, after all, so why?  We’re contemplating marrying due to the legal benefits: tax breaks, easier to conduct each others business, hospital regulations, etc.  I know, I know, not very romantic, lol!  But we know we love each other so much and wouldn’t ever want to end ‘us’ so we never really even thought about marrriage.  Until now – we have joint bank accounts, joint credit cards, own our car together, have an apartment together, have a fur child together – and its so annoying to have to find him or call him at work to call X utility to tell them I can talk about the account.  Or when we lost our car registration card and I couldn’t go to DMV and get another one because its in his name – those kinds of things are annoying.

Plus, I love me some fanfare and a pretty dress, of course, so there’s that 😛

Post # 6
Member
3613 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@lisa105: I agree. I meant to say couples sometime still fall into the same traps they’re trying to avoid by not getting married, because let’s face it, most of that early excitement is gone once you’ve been sharing a house and kids for years.

Post # 7
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

@lisa105:

I don’t think its unpopular per se, it’s just not true for everyone.  I’m just not conditioned to believe that I have to conform to ANYONE’S ‘next step’.  I don’t need anything at all to know that my relationship is perfect as is for me – I simply don’t even think about it at all. 

Marriage isn’t a ‘level’ to me.  Not remotely.  It’s just a legal contract – really, it is, if you just remove all romantic notions and little girl fantasy and stuff that’s all it really is.  Unless you are religious but that doesn’t even hold true because if that were the case, when a religious person divorced then the state wouldn’t be involved.  But they are – because it’s a legal contract.  I don’t believe in having to qualify a relationship by levels, or steps or societal norms.  But that’s just me.  Congrats to those that do feel that way – I just don’t care either way.  Just wanted to maybe give you some insight that when you hear people say that, they probably mean it.  By thinking in your way, you’re just projecting your feelings onto that relationship.  Some people just really don’t care – and honestly – it’s EXACTLY the same, no different (except of course for those that have a romantice ‘I’m married’ feeling which is fine, but not an actual difference).

Post # 8
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t feel a particular urge to get married, in fact sometimes I wonder why I am doing it.

What it comes down to is I would like us to legally be each other’s next of kin.  I would like to get around the legal headaches that unmarried partners can have.

I am nervous about a lot of things, though… I am nervous about being put financially at risk, I am nervous because I do not like what marriage has often stood for over its history.  I do not like that there are people who cannot marry those they love.  I do not like that people will start asking me when we’re having children.

But I would like us to be family to each other.  In a lot of ways we already are, but I guess maybe this is just for those worst-case scenarios, plus a lot of less serious benefits.  There is a part of me that is excited we’re making public this commitment to each other, though.  So maybe this whole being in love thing is turning me into more of a softie after all.  Grr.

Post # 9
Member
7770 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I know a couple that has been together for 30 years, have two children, built a house together (literally, physically), built an estate that took 30 years of work.  I don’t think they saw a reason to get married.  If it were not for the fact that I want children and was raised not to have them out of wedlock, and I wanted to be on DH’s insurance- I don’t think we would have gotten married.  Getting married (look at the divorce rate, IMO) has little to do with “not taking your relationship or commitment to the next level.”  Darling Husband and I considered ourselves married long before I stood at the altar and nothing has changed.

Post # 10
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think it is a legal contract. I would like to get married to protect myself and my future children. By being married, we share our assets and I get benefits (insurance, tax incentives, etc). I think some people don’t want to get married because they don’t believe in it. I know some people don’t want to get married because same sex couples aren’t allowed to marry in the US as a whole and they deem that unfair.

Post # 11
Member
13096 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@lisa105: I’m with you.  Even if you’re not one to conform to society’s “next step” or don’t care about the religous notions of marriage, marriage in its purest form is still a binding contract.  Those who choose to live together but not get married ARE therefor unwilling to take their relationship and commitment to the level of a contract.  IMO, they want that “out” per se – because its way easier to just call it quits when you don’t have the contractual commitment that being married gives you.

Post # 12
Member
10287 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I definitely want to get married (obviously) but I can tell you that my mother DOES NOT. She went through a messy separation with my biological father (15 years of being separated and he STILL wont sign the divorce papers!) which has kind of ruined the idea of marriage for her. She’s been with my “dad” (my “dad” is her boyfriend of more than 10 years who is more of a father to me than my real father ever was) for a long time but claims that will never get married. I hope after her divorce is final she’ll change her mind because I would really like it to be legal but I cant blame her for being turned off my marriage. I guess once you have a terrible experience doing something, you dont want to do it ever again. 

Post # 13
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

@Mrs.KMM:

Hmmm…that’s interesting.  But really, I don’t feel that way at all.  As a matter of fact, we’ve been together a lot longer than some people on this board that have already married! lol – so that kind of blows that theory out of the water.  Plus, I’m here to tell you that when we do get married, it will be purely for the legal benefits – not because I feel more committed.  We’re the only couple I know that for 7 years have never had a fight at all.  Ever.  We’re passionate, active, loving, goofy and happy and have been on the same page since we first got together.  It really is so perfect <3

So getting married will only change those few legal aspects like being able to visit each other in intensive care, God forbid, or being able to conduct business for each other.  And believe me, it isn’t harder to get ‘out’ of a marriage – more expensive, yes – but it’s just as easy to walk away and leave a legal contract if you’re unhappy.  That’s why the divorce rate is so high.  I didn’t once think ‘but I’m married, I have a legally binding contract’ when I left my hubby.  I thought ‘this will not work, love is not enough and I am unhappy beyond words’ and I was gone.  Being married had nothing to do with my decision to leave him.  And if people do use that as a factor in leaving an unhappy relationship than that is a horrible thing to do, in my opinion.  The fact that you signed a legal contract with someone should not make you feel that you have to force yourself to stay with them.  A bad marriage = a bad relationship and neither should be tolerated because you had a party and signed a contract, you know?

Like I said, I think when people say that unmarried couples don’t want to commit it’s because they haven’t been married before or are projecting their own ideas of marriage onto other people.  Just my opinion.

Post # 14
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I see both sides of the arguement, but I am marrying for legalities. Taxes, next of kin, etc, because to me, although you are signing a contractual agreement, you still have an “out” if you so chose to take it, and the only one to really make a commitment is to mean it in your heart, signing a piece of paper doesn’t make it any more valid or binding, it just makes it messier to walk away if you chose to.

Post # 16
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@luckyprincess: I think if someone is happy with their situation then good for them!  I don’t take a “one size fits all” approach to life.   Personally, I do belive in marriage (and I am religious so the vows are important to me) and for me, living together just doesn’t cut it but that’s me. 

 

@luckyprincess:  I’ve been married before and for me, its different.  My husband, who had not been married previously did/does feel different now that we’re married.  For us, it was making a religious and legal commitment to one another. 

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