(Closed) Why do you think weddings bring out the worst in people?

posted 4 years ago in Beehive
Post # 2
Member
4706 posts
Honey bee

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littlehatjones:  Many factors obviously but I think a common recurring theme is: different expectations equal disappointments. In addition to the bride and groom, everyone has opinions like the members of the wedding parties, friends, families, relatives, vendors, etc. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  socalgirl1689.
Post # 3
Member
9524 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

The expense, the time spent, the social obligations and expectations, the pressure of having a **perfect** day, and oh-so-many people (not just brides, but grooms, bridesmaids, families) feel they are entitled to have their whims catered to. 

 

Post # 4
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Agree with both comments above – lots of expectations that things are going to be done a certain way and then disappointment that can be difficult to hide when it doesn’t go that way.

I’d say I’m pretty relaxed but Fiance and I know exactly what we want and since we’re the ones footing the bill we get it – that has obviously caused some people throwing their toys out the pram…

Post # 5
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

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littlehatjones:  I wish I knew. My Maid/Matron of Honor went batshit crazy during my wedding. We have been friends for over 20 years and had exactly one fight before the wedding and that was in high school. We got through her wedding without issue (mostly because I’m pretty chill and a people pleaser so I let her make me a brideslave). But boy when it came to my wedding…. she made me feel horrible about every choice, demanded I “care more” about shit that didn’t matter to me, and just overall became someone I just didn’t know. I wish I understood why. Everyone else was awesome though 🙂 

Post # 6
Member
2107 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I don’t think it’s just brides (or couples) that weddings being the worst out in, it’s their families and sometimes their friends too. Firstly, the wedding industry has manufactured this ideal wedding day. This vision that this is the best day of your life and therefore it has to be perfect because surely if your shoes rub your feet, or your teeth aren’t white enough or your hair isn’t long enough or your family isn’t skipping down the street then you’ve failed. You won’t have your prefect day, it’ll just be another day, like going to work and doing filing all day. There are no do-overs, if you get it wrong, it will haunt you forever.

Built into that is the assumption that all women want to get married, it’s our only desire and goal out of life (well actually our only goal is to be get married and have millions of babies). I think that’s where a lot of the sexist BS around women “enjoying” wedding planning and men just turning up comes from. So when a woman doesn’t enjoy planning she again feels like a failure. When that happened to me I threw myself even further into planning hoping I’d find the happy if I planned harder/cared more about useless shit. Which led to the point where I hated the wedding so much I wanted to cancel and elope and because of someing ingrained in me and my husband I’d taken on the bulk of the planning and had no help. I broke down and asked him to help and he responded with he didn’t know what to do.

We had to start planning meals every week because otherwise every night turned into an argument on what to have for dinner. I’ll want chicken and he’ll want beef. I’ll want broccoli and he’ll want carrots. So a wedding is just like that except it’s every little detail of what you want vs what they want and all of that then feeds into the perfect day vision. You perfect day vision doesn’t entail compromise. The wedding industry doesn’t tell you that your husband will want you to have flowers so you won’t go with the brooch bouquet you thought about and so when you’re on board with flowers you have to fight to not have roses because actually you think there’s more interesting flowers and they’re expensive. At some point you then need to tell everyone your decision and something about weddings gives everyone else an opinion. We also have different traditions and our families expect different things from us. For example, my grandma would have expected nothing less than my dad to give me away and his family expected us to have a catholic wedding and everyone expected me to take his name. We all have these assumptions about what a wedding is and it’s based on our own religion, social circle and traditions in our country. So when someone dares to do different, either because times have changed or because the family we are marrying into have a different tradition it causes problems. We also often voice these problems, you’ll see all the time that cash bars are rude (they’re not where I live) but you feel pressured because you don’t want to be rude (especially inadvertently). All this adDA more stress on to the already overloaded pile and so sometimes the bride might “flip out” over something innocent but actually she’s probably defended the decision several times already (plus it’s always her fault, never the grooms, even if it was a joint decision – see above).

The cost of everything doesn’t help. And the fact that this is a big thing for the couple and their families. So the couple are working through the idea of their vows, what they are signing up for and what they want from marriage and each other whilst trying to plan a celebration making everyone happy. The families are seeing their loved one move into a new family. Often couples start celebrating holidays together after they’re married and so there’s the realisation that their son/daughter might not be available every Christmas and they probably won’t be the first person to get a good or bad news call (this probably happened before the wedding really but the realisation probably hits then).

Post # 7
Member
2141 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

stress and rudeness of others is a huge one… I always though this would be easy but fuck me people are self absorbed and insufferable

the ONLY thing I wanted was people to show up, ive done EVERYTHING myself… my money, time, effort but half the people are moaning that we dont ‘care about them’

we have people coming from all over the country and other countries, we are holding it at the closest spot to the majority of guest which has the best travel links… that is NOT a personal slight on anyone who live more than 20 minutes away (especially considering unlike other guest those ones ALL can drive)

or ‘you cant have it then, thats when footballs on’ yeah we going to pick our wedding date based on weather 5 guests want to watch football, its our dead childs birthday ffs it has nothing to do with your tv scedual ffs

also sick of people who had terrible weddings telling me how it should be done and then critasizing my plans… it takes everything in me not to yell ‘where you actually at your drunken circus of a cheap ass slum wedding’ but no I just have to sit there with a polite smile taking their insults because its ‘socially unacceptable’ to insult an event thats happend and yet a one in planning stages (weather booked or not) is apparently open to every idiots ‘opinion’

now all I want is people to shut the hell up… seriously ready to tell them all to piss off and to just elope

Post # 8
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

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littlehatjones:  I blame society. Wedding has become such an exorbitant event during the past few decades. It’s no longer the village festival it used to be where loved ones came over to celebrate the new couple. So much expectations and “necessary” components that everyone needs to have. Even the most nonchalant people can start comparing oneself with others and become obsessed with what’s perceived as nice in society. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen more Korean weddings than American weddings but I rarely see conflict arise because of the couple. It’s usually about money, dowry, in laws…etc…. All things which I think are due to what society tells us is necessary in a wedding process. 

Post # 9
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

It didnt used to be. But frankly, we are a generation of entitlement and every year it seems everyone just wants more, more, more. I am a firm believer that a wedding day should be about marrying the person you love. Not spending your life’s savings because society tells you to. Of course that would be stressful and you’d want to control every detail because you’re putting almost everything you have into it.

I think the problem is that things have gotten completely out of proportion at this point and people are just getting too wrapped up in this stuff that really just wont matter in 5 years. It’s the same with engagement rings, people used to be happy with tiny diamonds and gemstones and now everyone and their sister has to have the hope freaking diamond. Everything just keeps getting bigger and more expensive and people keep wanting/buying it. 

I eloped. I didn’t have an engagement ring. I do not regret skipping the craziness or not draining my bank account. 

 

Disclaimer: If you do happen to have the hope diamond on your ring finger or had a giant elaborate wedding in which you were bridezilla the entire time and like it that way this comment is not meant to offend you. This is just my opinion and the way I view things, I am not trying to put anyone down. Your money, your choices.

Post # 10
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I read somewhere to that when it comes to relationships between youand FH or inlaws there is also more tension because you are becoming one unit. 

People are less willing to let things go because they feel that if they let something go now and don’t put their foot down, they will be forced to continue accepted said persons behavior in the future. 

This was definetly the case with my Future Mother-In-Law who when I told politely told her I didnt want to invite her friends who werent invited to the wedding to my shower (hosted by my MOH) but she was able to invite anyone invited to the wedding. Called my FH saying that I had “disrespected her” and, my favourite line, “If this is the way she is behaving now, Im really worried about her future behvaiour” 

I was very upset and it completly tarnishd mine and hers relationship

Post # 11
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee

Weddings over here tends to go over the top and become a spectacle. It’s a day where you showcase your worth to society, either by showing how big of a event your families can afford or showing how perfect your families are. Pretty much its the single day that parents get to showcase off how perfectly they raised their kids.

Usually if it’s a very big wedding, the majority of the guests are friends/coworkers/business partners of the parents/public figures. It becomes less about the bride and groom’s union and becomes more about the parents’ day. With so many guests to greet and take care of, the families usually run themselves ragged and end up not having too much fun at an event that’s supposed to be enjoying themselves at. I think what I’ve just described could apply to a lot of other traditional Asian households.

Post # 12
Member
1305 posts
Bumble bee

 

In addition to lots of great points already made, I would say there are a lot of selfish people in this world who can’t put their “loved” ones happiness first and/or need attention to be on themselves.

I’ve seen many family members who struggle with someone else being in the spotlight, with not having control over decisions and seemingly unable to just be happy for someone else. There are people that always have to have some sort of attention on themselves.

Post # 13
Member
815 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

To keep it short: Weddings are incredibly high-pressure situations involving a lot of people who all have opinions about How Things Must Be.

Post # 14
Member
4594 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Weddings have all the elements needed for drama:

 – Money

 – Family

 – Societal/cultural standards

 – Religion (often)

People go insane over just one of these – mixing them together is just dangerous.

(Full disclosure – my wedding actually brought out the best in DH’s and my families, and our friends and guests were drama-free. We were very lucky that way.)

Post # 15
Member
906 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Expectations, jealousy, pressure. 

And it’s not just the bride, either. Here, we see the brides bending over backwards to accommodate siblings, parents, future in-laws, and bridal party members who simply want things their way. 

Now that we are a more mobile society, we have a lot of intercultural weddings and families. That stirs up a lot of expectations of each side that people weren’t necessarily thinking of when they married. 

Jealousy comes up a lot–whether it’s a sibling mad that her parents spent more on a sibling’s wedding, or that parents aren’t making the same demands for a son’s wedding that they did for a daughter’s. 

And pressure! Pressure to invite certain people, how to invite them, pressure to pay for certain things, perform certain rituals. 

For the most part, our friends and family have been great and I’ve seen the best–but I’ve also seen grown women have temper tantrums. So, YMMV.  

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