(Closed) Why do you think weddings bring out the worst in people?

posted 4 years ago in Beehive
Post # 17
Member
1984 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Not planning yet, but my SO and I have already talked about our wedding. 

I know things that have already bugged me was the wedding I’ve been budling in my mind since I was little (you know since girls only want to get married) things have to be changed because “that’s not how it is done in my family”. I want no kids. I have to have kids there because there are a million in his family. There are people that do not speak to me and I view them as freeloaders, yep, they have to be there. There is one  little boy in the family I would love to have in the wedding since I have to have kids there, but I can’t since I can’t work in his 4 young nephews without starting a family fight. 

So, you have to change your mind set on something you have been thinking about for a long time. 

Post # 18
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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loz24:  yes to all this! The industry puts CRAZY pressure on everyone involved. The amount of times I have heard “you’re only going to do it once!” Or “its your special day!” Conflicting with “well, guests will expect x/y/z”…

yesterday I got an article in my inbox from The Knot about “how to make sure guests aren’t bored at their table” which included a bunch of ice breakers, mad libs, and other diy projects and I was like…. Uh what?! They can’t just talk to eachother? Now I have to provide my adult guests with mad libs and ice breakers or they will have a terrible time and not speak to strangers?! it’s “my” day but I have to worry worry worry about accidentally offending someone I don’t know, that people will have “enough fun” at an event where they are getting free food and booze!!! That my ceremony won’t bore them…. It’s exhausting. I literally couldn’t sleep last night because I KNOW that most people for their invites in the mail yesterday but only one person RSVPed online and no one sent a text to me saying “got the invite I’m excited/ cute invites!” And even though the logical part of my brain was like “thats normal and fine” the wedding industry devil in my brain was like “ohhhhh they HATE the invitations you sent, they are all offended about their plus one situation or are appalled that the pink on the RSVP card is slightly different than the pink on the invite!” and meanwhile my Fiance is snoring peacefully totally not worried about a single wedding related thing. 

 

… so in summary, brides are sometimes just really really overwhelmed/ exhausted. The was a well needed vent 🙂

Post # 19
Member
2107 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

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k8goeslz:  urgh the articles. We’ve been married for four months now and Facebook still likes to suggest this article for me – http://www.weddingforward.com/things-brides-regret-not-doing-at-their-wedding/. On a side note, wanna know what my husband gets adverts for suggested posts? Cars, bikes, rugby. All things he’s googled. I get this crap… So in summary for those who can’t be bothered to read the article we will basically regret:

1) not getting a videographer – we didn’t and I don’t regret it.

2) watermarked photos – heavens forbid your photographer prefers to keep the copyright to their images. I have no problem with the photographers keeping the copyright and offering watermarked imafes, it’s easier for me because then I don’t have to credit them.

3) ceremony food, some form of snack after the ceremony – nope didn’t provide them and don’t regret it. Your guests are adults and can work out to have a big breakfast, have a snack before the wediding and can wait for the meal.

4) first dance, has to be meaningful to you – sometimes people don’t like dancing and that’s ok. We had about 20 seconds alone dancing on first dance to an unromantic pop song and that was fine, no regrets there.

5) open bar – not common here so nope no regrets. Even if we couldn’t provide everyone with a drink package I’d have no regrets.

6) hotel on the wedding night – meh. We did. It didn’t need to be special it just need to be somewhere we could sleep. We were just so tired.

7) family portraits – yes and no. I regret not getting family portraits but only because we’ve had a recent death. In the end I love the candid photos we got of that person way more than any family portrait.

8) toned arms – I can’t tell you how much I rolled my eyes at that one. I didn’t time my arms up. I’m plus size and didn’t lose weight or wear shapewear. No regrets there, my Darling Husband loves me untoned arms and all. Although this leads into another problem that weddings bring out the worst in people. The wedding industry, your mother, the random person in the street will all tell you that you aren’t good enough to get married. You need to lose weight, need to whiten your teeth, grow your hair, get rid of your glasses and grow several inches (or shrink several inches). There’s always some way that you’re not good enough to be a bride.

9) quality moment with your spouse – the article says 10-15 minutes to take it all in. On the wedding day 10-15 minutes feels like 30 seconds even if you’re some place quiet. It doesn’t feel like enough time but there’ll never be enough time on the day.

10) skin – nope no regrets about not putting every chemical known to man on my skin in an attempt to stop breakouts. I paid someone to do my makeup, if they can’t cover up a spot then they’re not good at their job are they? 

11) if you want to preserve your dress, get a reception dress – I split red wine down my light Ivory dress. I dropped a mustard sauce on it. I got several muddy footprints on the dress. The bottom got slightly torn by people treading on it. I sent it to the dry cleaners and they apologised profusely because there’s still some staining from the mud (which I couldn’t find and so just nodded and said “oh it’s OK”. Stains come out and small tears can be repaired.

12) get some cute but comfortable flats – my shoes weren’t cute, they were work shoes. They were comfortable. And nobody saw them. They don’t need to be cute just comfy and affordable.

Sorry OP for ranting again! Our wedding definitely brought out the worst in our family members and there really is something about weddings because it’s all quiet now. Everyone has kind of gone back to normal and are just letting us get along with life without interruption. I’m so glad it’s over, now I can lurk here and help others and still look at pretty things. 

Post # 20
Member
948 posts
Busy bee

I agree with PPs – a lot of it comes from conflicting expectations. A lot of it is about money! Also, no two families are the same, so trying to adjust to another family’s dynamic can be a lot to take in. 

I really do love my in-laws (90% of the time), but the wedding was a challenge. 

Since we both have immigrant families and we both lived over seas, the expectations to incororate those cultures also expanded. And Darling Husband felt very obligated to “take care of guests” who were coming internationally. My paretns are pretty chill, but his paretns ended up thinking that it was one big family reunion for them (that their son was paying for!). They had zero interest in the fact that my side of the family even existed. 

But – to be fair – they also pulled it together in the end. They did not make any sort of fuss or scene on the wedding day. I even found out that unbeknownst to me, my Mother-In-Law was telling her sisters to back off and to do it the way I say because it was my wedding. I had no idea! But I’m so grateful she did! 

I really thought that as long as *I* wasn’t a bride-zilla that the wedding would be fine. It turns out that the stress comes from so many other places, it had nothing to do with me being low key about flowers or wedding details, it had nothing to do with me only choosing sisters as bridesmaids, or doing the most mellow bachelorette party imaginable. I coldn’t control the family temperment. It was all about family expectations, guest expereince, and staying inside our budget. 

I underestimated costs. And I underestiamted family politics. The stress was real. I’m so glad it’s done!! Married life is way better than being engaged! Lol! 

Post # 21
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

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littlehatjones:  Obviously there are a lot of explanatory factors here, but I often think about the consequences of the changing social purpose of wedding receptions (at least in some parts of the world).  Wedding celebrations have traditionally signaled prestige/alliances for families or communities, so they were often planned by families with a mind to larger purposes beyond the couple, especially among those families with some money.  Now weddings (again, in some parts of the world, and especially the parts of the world that most posters are from) are understood to be about the couple and it’s not expected that weddings will serve broader purposes (in most cases). 

I think this creates two main issues: the first is that this potentially drives generational tension.  There are so many posts from women who are angry about someone in the older generation who thinks that s/he has a right to dictate how the wedding will go.  If those older folks had their weddings dictated to them with the promise that eventually it would be their turn, I can kind of understand why they might feel that something that was rightfully theirs is being taken away, even if I don’t often agree with how they react.

The second issue is that this shift from family/community to couple means that weddings are now undeniably self-centered in a way that virtually no other social event for adults is (a lot of the polite fictions that distracted from this fact have gone by the wayside).  When you combine this with the fact that weddings generally ask more in terms of time/money than any other type of event, you’ve got a powderkeg.  Weddings become a steam valve for seething tensions and resentments–“Jim wants us to spend how much to go to his wedding?!  I always knew he was a selfish cad!”  or “Aunt Susan no-showed and didn’t even send a card?!  She’s been my least-favorite aunt since she yelled at me for teasing her stupid dog when I was five…”  

Post # 22
Member
6809 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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littlehatjones:  I didn’t read the comments, so I may be repeating someone.  But I think that the brides, grooms, couples, parents who have the worst brought out in them have actually not changed their personalities at all.  That type of behavior was already there in a milder form, whether it’s materialism, thoughtlessness, flakiness, selfishness, the need to be #1 in all things, whatever it is.  It’s just enhanced because you can’t get away from them in a wedding-type situation since weddings are such a big part of life.

Take the bride who wants 800 dollar suits.  She was already like that, as per other things the OP described about her later.   It just didn’t impact anyone else significantly until that point.  Or say the  bride who was upset about her fiance’s probable behavior at the bachelor party – she already didn’t trust him and he was already the type to get wasted and do just that.  There’s no change in their behavior, it is what it ever was.

ETA: wow, I didn’t repeat anyone… weird.  I stand by my reasoning though, but maybe it’s because I’ve always laughed into the face of industry expectations so that had no impact on me.  Also I don’t know anyone who went overboard crazy at their wedding.  Like no one at all.  Thank goodness.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  skunktastic.
Post # 23
Member
3446 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

Honestly I dont think theres a one size fits all answer to this question. Since we’ve started planning I find myself sipping chai to calm my nerves bc people are stressing me out and we arent even getting married until late next year. Its been all of two weeks since we got engaged and here are the issues so far:

My mother has guilt tripped me into allowing one of my older sisters Im not that close with to be a bridesmaid – I knew better, Fiance told me not to do it and yet its done. 

My Maid/Matron of Honor seems to be gradually trying to turn this into a vision of what she had for her wedding which apparently didnt turn out exactly as she hoped. This person has never exhibited this type of behavior before so idk if she’s even aware that its a problem but I find myself repeatedly having to bring her back to my vision. 

I dont think people intentionally turn into monsters but it does seem like a few get a little nutty over weddings. 

 

Post # 25
Member
906 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

For me, I didn’t care much about industry expectations. I don’t have a Pinterest board that I’ve been working on since  before I was engaged. We didn’t feel obligated to do certain things because it’s “easier for the vendors.” Yes, we were told that some things are just easier for the photographer, caterer, etc. We were able to laugh those off because we were expecting to be upsold on a lot of things  

What we weren’t prepared for was all the family expectations. A lot of them were old-fashioned and gender-based, which was shocking to me because my parents raised me to be highly independent and not to rely on a man. But all bets were off when it came to the wedding!

Finally, a lot of people think that if you don’t care about one tiny thing, that you don’t care about the wedding at all! I don’t care what color paper liners are in the envelope! But don’t let anyone know, as that makes you a bad bride destined for divorce. 

Post # 26
Member
3446 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

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ironmaidelah:  This is so true. My attitude is generally calm and whateverish but some take that as me not being excited. Thats not the case Im just not going to have a fit if chair sashes arent the exact shade I had in mind and dont particularly give a hoot if all my bridesmaids wear identical dresses lol Its not that serious! Im very much looking forward to being with my Fiance for life but Im not getting crazy over every little detail. 

Post # 27
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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MexiPino:  I hear you there.  I had a very similar experience with my Maid/Matron of Honor, about to the T.  I wish I knew why as well….

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