Post # 1
My Fiance were at a Bible study at our church the other day, and this question came up. My pastor was talking about how this is usually a question he asks in pre marital counceling, which my Fiance and I have not been though yet. This was his general answer:
“I always ask this question in counceling before I marry someone. I ask “why do you want to marry your FI”. Most people come up some answer about their humility or love of the lord. It is really a trick question though. There really shouldnt be an answer to this question. What you are telling me is that if they start becoming less humble or kind, that you wouldnt want to stay married to them.”
Sorry if that was confusing. He basically said there was no answer to give, becuase if those are reasons you want to marry your Fiance, and they went away, you would get a divorce. What do you bees think? We go to a non demonination church.
Post # 2
if your reason is your humility and love of god, it probably shouldn’t go away anyhow. I believe as you move through life, you’ll find more reasons to love the person you are with. My husband isn’t as slim as he was when we were dating and for some reason has sprouted more hair than I’d prefer, but that doesn’t impact my love for him. With any luck, your reasons for loving him are not surface, materialistic reasons and should last through time. I anticipate good things for me!
Post # 3
I don’t believe in unconditional love. If my H turned into someone who was no longer kind, I would not recognize him as the man I married. If counseling didn’t help and there was no effort being made to change, the marriage would eventually be over.
Post # 4
I’m not religious, but I found the question interesting… I personally disagree that there is no answer to this question. Of course there is an answer, because I want to marry my fiancé right now. I love him, we have the same outlook on life, I want a partner to face the world with, and having and raising children is very important to us. If we are unable to have children, do I think we will get divorced? I would like to think not. Our relationship would grow and change, and I hope we would be able to come up with new reasons to stay together.
I guess I’m just confused by the idea here. So by not acknowledging the reasons you want to be together, there would be less chance of divorce if your love and motivations change? No… I don’t think it works that way. I think it is important to share what makes you work as a couple, because then you know what you have to come back to when you start having problems!
Post # 5
I suggest going to a different pastor for counseling. What he said is pure nonsense. It’s not even in line with the Bible.
ETA: I’m trying to add more to my comment, but I just cannot get anything to sound right. What he said is so illogical…
Please don’t get counseled by him.
Post # 6
I disagree (and I’m a Christian).
“Why do you want to marry him?” is not the same question as “why do you want to stay married to him?” once you’re married. The answer to the former is all his wonderful qualities, and there’s nothing wrong with falling in love with someone because of their qualities. The answer to the latter is essentially, “I’ve made a promise to stay with him” (though his wonderful qualities help!).
Post # 7
I’d just tell him, “So that we can have sex without judgment.” Whether that’s true or not, I doubt he could argue with that.
Post # 8
I agree very much with you guys, as I was taken back by the answer he gave. I feel that it is perfectly acceptable to say that you want to marry your Fiance for specific (and good) reasons. I also sort of understand where he is coming from though. I think he was trying to make the point that if your Fiance changes somehow, you should not automatically turn to divorce becuase “he isnt the person that you married”. I am confused what he would want us to say in counseling…
Pastor “why do you want to marry FI?”
Us “We dont have a specific reason”
That just sounds stupid.
Post # 9
If my husband stopped being my best friend, if we stopped having an equal partnership, if his personality drastically changed then it would be time for divorce. Divorce is not necessarily a bad thing. Painful, yes but it is usually for the best
Post # 10
Well, yes and no. Your pastor’s explanation seems to be working under the assumption of unconditional love/togetherness. I think that’s a false premise because the love between spouses is never unconditional (the way, say, it might be toward a child). In other words, if a spouse began abusing me in some way, or had an affair, or began gambling away all our savings or became addicted in some way, those are marriage-ending situations in many cases. My being with my DH has a lot of conditions on it, even if we rarely speak of them. If he were to become abusive or repeatedly cheat, it is highly likely my love for him would erode. If he became addicted in some way that threatened the household, I would not stay with him, even if I still loved him.
IMO, the best answer to the question of why one wants to get married is that you love that person. Could that possibly change in the future? Well, the millions of acrimonious divorces prove that can happen.
Post # 11
I agree with aussiemum1248
the reasons you want to marry someone may not be the same reasons you want to stay married to someone.
So having an answer to that question doesn’t mean you’ll get divorced down the road. That’s just silly.
Post # 12
I never really thought of it like that, but I love your response. My Fiance and I dont see divorce as an option (unless something very awful happened), and I would expect my pastor to understand that I wouldnt get a divorce something small happened.
Also, he is the second pastor, not the lead one. Might want to have the head pastor marry us…
Post # 13
I got a good laugh out of this one. Fiance are waiting until our wedding to have sex, so this ist entirely untrue.
Post # 14
I imagine that no romantic relatonship is unconditional. I would never stay with Fiance if he was abusive or something similar. I think he is trying to say that some reasons for divorce are biblical (cheating, etc) and some are not biblical (we arent the same person we used to be).
Post # 15
Hmm…I want to marry him because it FEELS like the best thing to do…is that enough? You feel it.
You can have the greatest guy on earth who has everything you ever wanted, but you might not feel it. It’s important to feel most comfortable with your decision and have a mutual decision together ofcourse. I guess thats how I can answer that if I were to answer it for myself