(Closed) Why does a LDR change how they act?

posted 8 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

LDRs are hard. My husband and I met my first day of college. We had a good warm-up for our LDR during summer breaks and internship semesters. We made it through those periods, dated all through school, and then he graduated and got a job while I stayed for grad school. We had an LDR for three years until he finally moved to where I got a job after school.


The hardest thing is having similar expectations. In my relationship, we both agreed that we wanted to talk to each other on the phone at least once a day. Sometimes that was only for two minutes to say “good night” and “i love you”. Other times it was a three hour conversation. There were definitely times where both of us were frustrated that the other had something else to do when we wanted to talk, but overall it worked for us.

From your post, it sounds like you want him to give more than he wants to. You want more attention than he’s willing to give. I don’t know either of you, so I can’t say why he’s doing this. Maybe he’s a more independent person than you, maybe he just doesn’t care about you as much when you’re not there… there are an infinite number of possibilities.

Remember that he’s adjusting to business school. If he just got there, there’s a lot of stuff he nees to get a handle on, in addition to his classwork. He does need to understand, though, that you’re his girlfriend and you deserve and need some attention if he wants to stay in a relationship with you.

All I can suggest is that you talk to him and say that the way you’re currently handling the LDR isn’t working for you. Figure out what you both want and need. If you have different ideas of what an LDR should be, and aren’t willing to compromise, then it’s going to be a very difficult road for you both…

Good luck!


Post # 4
218 posts
Helper bee

I was kind of in his situation when I was in college. I dated (and moved in with) a guy in my hometown for 3 years, and went to college 7 hours away. I would go home to visit as much as possible, but because i was a full time student (and because traveling is expensive), it wasn’t very often. When I was home for breaks, we lived together, bought a dog, everything was fine… but when I was in school, he was constantly calling me and texting me, and it got a little annoying.

Don’t get me wrong; I loved him, and wanted to be with him & talk to him, but I kind of wanted to do it on my own terms… I still had a college life. I wanted to go to parties, and hang out with my friends, and I would ignote his calls while doing those things.

I didn’t particularly like talking on the phone with him every day… because a lot of the time we would run out of things to talk about. When you call people that often, you tend to run out of stuff to tell them, and it gets to be boring, depressing conversations about how much you miss eachother, and frankly, that can get really depressing. That’s probably why he’s kind of avoiding you.

If I were you, I would try to get my mind off of this whole situation as much as you can. Make the best of it, go out, have fun, and stop fretting over it. If he wants to be with you, he will call you and text you on his own terms, when he wants to talk.

This isn’t just about your feelings… It’s about his too. Give him a little bit of a break.

I hope this helps. <3

Post # 6
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@mc77 Wow, I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve already tried to tell him what you need out of the relationship and he isn’t keeping his end of the bargain… It sounds like he may need another reminder that LDRs take work from both sides. If you’ve told him how you feel, and he’s not concerned, then I think that’s a problem. Personally, I would feel like he wasn’t respecting me or my opinions. 

Does he really want a long distance relationship? Do you know what his expectations are? It sounds like you’ve told him yours. If he isn’t willing to work out a problem with you… well, that’s not good.


You’d asked about how my husband and I got on the same page:

I think the biggest thing we’ve had on our side is communication. We’d always talk about what we were feeling and how the other was making us feel. Sometimes we might not agree with each other, but we were always able to see why the other one felt that way, and knowing that one of us was hurting the other one made that person want to change.I really believe you need to respect each other enough to not blow your SO’s emotions off. You both also need to be okay being wrong sometimes and able to say, “Yeah, you know what? You’re right: I am being really ridiciulous right now,” when the situation calls for it.

In your original post, you asked about if this was just some sort of adjustment period. It may be. I know for us, every time we saw each other and then had to separate again, the first month of re-adjusting to the long distance was HARD. After that, it got easier. This may be how your boyfriend is adjusting…. but it’s not okay that it’s making you feel neglected and unwanted.

I wish I knew what to tell you about your boyfriend… Without knowing either of you, it’s impossible to make an accurate assessment of the situation, though. I’m sorry he’s changed so much since going off to Boston, and that you’ve had your heart broken by him once before. I think my honest advice would be to take a good look at how he’s treating you, and ask yourself if that’s how you want to be treated for the next few months, years, and ever after.

Post # 9
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@mc77: Of course!!! I’m glad that I can use my experiences to help out other people. I”ve had other people do it for me enough!

It sounds like he’s not able to admit when he’s wrong. The email he sent was super sweet, but I think he may have just been feeling lonely overseas and looking for someone to care about him. I don’t know that he didn’t mean it– he probably did then. It seems that things have changed in his life, though, and he no longer feels that way about you or your relationship.

That makes sense about him not wanting an LDR– they’re a lot of work and a huge pain. The only time I’d ever recommend them to someone is if you KNOW that what you’re getting out of it is worth all of that work, crying and missing each other. If he’s done one before, and didn’t want to do it again, then I guess I don’t understand why he agreed to do it… Maybe he really does love being with you when you’re in the same place and does love you, but just isn’t able to handle a LDR?

I don’t know if I believe that a relationship not working long distance means you shouldn’t have the relationship. I think there’s a lot that goes into a good relationship, and some relationships just wouldn’t work under the constraints long distance puts on them. That doesn’t mean they’re not good relationships— they DO work in normal conditions, and if you’re not going to have to be long distance, then why worry that a relationship won’t work long distance?

That said, long distance IS an issue for your relationship. You need a relationship that will work within the constraints you have, and this one isn’t right now. I think it’s AWESOME that you’re not willing to sacrifice your life and your happiness for the chance at having a great life with him when he’s been acting this way. Given your history, I think that’s definitely the smart choice. Those three weeks may have been bliss, but I don’t think that’s enough time for you to get a good evaluation of how your relationship would hold up long term and if he’s someone you’d want to leave your life in VA behind for.

You deserve someone who will respect you, and be honest. When’s the next time you’ll get to see him? I think you two need to have a talk about this and see if long distance is something you BOTH want to continue with. It might be hard to “waste” your time together talking about your problems, but if it’ll make the time you spend apart better, I think it’s worth it.

The topic ‘Why does a LDR change how they act?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors