(Closed) Why does being a bridesmaid give them the right to be a crappy friend? *Vent*

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

@Stressed_Bride15:  people have stuff going on in their lives. just because you (general you) are getting married doesn’t mean they have to care at any time other than the actual day. As a friend, brides should be more considerate as well sometimes.

Post # 5
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I don’t think this is the case ‘most of the time’. It seems to be worded that way. I am probably not the only one who asked their friends to be bridesmaids – didn’t expect them to ‘help’ – but they are literally begging to work on something to feel useful. This may not be the case ‘most of the time’ either – but I think there are two extremes…

It is known that when we plan our wedding (especially if we hang out on the Bee) we have wedding brain. All we think about is wedding wedding wedding. This can get old and boring to our friends who are still having life issues and still need to feel valued as a friend as well.

I am not sure what you are asking or were just making an observation but I thought I would offer a few different viewpoints…

Post # 6
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

@Stressed_Bride15:  I find that the women who have bridesmaid issues also have poor relationships in most areas of their lives, wedding or not. It just doesnt seem like a big deal to me if others care about my marriage or not (parents aside).

Post # 9
Member
2363 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - B&B

I get where you’re coming from! As a friend, I am interested in what goes on in their lives. Of course I have my own stuff going on, but when I talk to them or meet up with them I’ll ask “How’s so and so, how’s your new job?, How’s the house search going? etc etc.

It may be that I’m extraordinarily lucky, but I have some awesome friends and we’re all like this. We love each other and support each other through everything. It does mean we may not be able to drop everything we’re doing to go shopping, or go out to eat, or make it to a birthday party, or talk on the phone every week, etc etc, but it does mean we care!

I am trying to be a good friend to my bridesmaids (keeping their costs down as far as possible, letting them all pick a different style of dress they love, trying to figure out gifts they will like, not bombarding them with emails or asking them to help with DIY stuff, etc.) but in turn, they are wonderful. They ask me “How’s it going?” or go try on the dresses and send me pics so I can see how beautiful they look (<3), etc etc. I can completely understand the hurt feelings if you have a friend who barely TALKS to you during the wedding planning process, let alone one who completely ignores the wedding as a whole. Of course they might be busy or dealing with stuff in their own lives, but as a friend, I would at least try to show a little interest!! It’s not just the wedding… these girls are standing up to witness your marriage vows. They become part of your circle to help you through your marriage, and to support it long AFTER the wedding day!

Yes, a bride should not expect her bridesmaids to put her wedding first, or even second/third/fourth/fifth….. But at the very least, it would be nice, as a friend, for you to even ask your friend the bride “hey, how’s it going?” and try, as much as possible, to at least meet deadlines of ordering dresses or by even dropping a line “sorry I couldn’t get back to you yet, I’m super busy! I promise I haven’t forgotten you!” and then carry on. The same goes for the bride, she should show her ladies that they are her FRIENDS first, bridesmaids second!

Post # 10
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree…somewhat.

Honestly, it seems to me like a lot of the problems people run into when it comes to their BMs stem from the fact that there was never a conversation about expectations. When I asked my girls, I made it very clear to them: “I want XYZ from you”.

Every bride is different, and has different expectations, and I don’t think it’s fair to expect your girls to read your mind and know what you want.

I also think it’s ridiculous to expect that your friend who was always selfish and self-absored will suddenly drop all that just because it’s your wedding: they won’t.

If you make it clear what you expect, they agree to it, and then don’t keep up their end…then by all means, you have the right to be upset. But if you never have that conversation with them, then I really don’t think you do.

Post # 11
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Eh, I don’t think being a Bridesmaid or Best Man gives that person a right to ignore the bride, nor do I think it’s commonplace.  I agree that, as a friend, you’d want that person to show some interest in your wedding (and life) and be supportive.

I think the main issues arise when there are different levels of expectations and when brides expect their BMs to make the wedding a #1 priority.  I see brides complaining that their BMs aren’t helping with enough projects, shelling out hundreds of dollars for dress/shoes/hair, coming to multiple dress fittings or responding to emails instantly.  BMs should support the bride as it is a major life event, but the bride also needs to realize her wedding isn’t a top priority for everyone else and not get upset when her BMs aren’t at her beck and call.  The bride needs to remember to also support her friends as well.

The other major factor is when a bride expects her friend to change.  Just because you are getting married doesn’t mean your flakey and self-absorbed friend is going to automatically change and become super involved and selfless.   Also, if you have a rocky relationship with said friend, asking her to Bridesmaid or Best Man isn’t going to fix that friendship.  A lot of times a bride has a friendship issue, not a Bridesmaid or Best Man issue.

Post # 12
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

If a ‘friend’ shows no interest in your wedding i would question why they are even in it. My bridesmaids are constantly involved in a lot of what is going on. Not that I am forcing it but because they want to. If their lives are too busy to help you make a decision on what color ribbon to use then what is the point of them being in the wedding? They are supposed to help you along the way (not saying ever aspect) and be there when you need help. At least with my friends they are involved in a lot of things in my life other than the wedding so I could not imagin them turning a cold shoulder because they have too much going on in their lives.

Post # 13
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Stressed_Bride15: Well, you’re only getting 1 side of the story when a Bride writes on here about her “crappy” bridesmaid.  I don’t think unwillingness to help a bride with her crazy DIY projects equates to being a bad friend and not caring about her “life changing” event. 

Some brides expectations are wayyyy too crazy for their bridesmaids.  There’a  big difference between showing interest and being your slave.

Post # 14
Member
2359 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I dont understand this.

when I picked my bridesmaids, I made sure I picked girls that were(and still are) my very best friends.   I wanted my girls to be happy for me, and stand up with me because they supported my decision and I wanted them to know, other then my parents, they are the most important people in my life.  

If i didnt have anyone this close to me in my every day life, I would not have had a bridal party.  

I chose my two sisters, and my two very best friends.    These girls would bend over backwards for anything I needed during my planning and on the day of.   These girls made sure I was happy, and sane, and if I needed a shoulder They were there.   

Mind you, it wasn’t all I talked about all the time, but they all made “dates” with me to go for dinner, drinks, etc to specifically talk about the wedding etc.   I never talked about it with them otherwise, we still could go out and talk and act like there was no wedding happening.

im thankful my bridesmaids did not cause drama or make me upset or angry.   They kept me sane, and understood that this was a life changing event for me and they were there to make sure I was happy.

I don’t get all this drama with bridesmaids, unless they aren’t really good friends to begin with. I know some people just pick them just so they can have a bridal party.  

Post # 15
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@RockStar33:  Agreed! I dont understand why anyone would even want a bridal party if they are just going to ‘show up’ If that is the case have them just as a guest!!

Post # 16
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@RunsWithBears:  +1

My girls have been great, and I have really tried hard to keep costs down, not put too much pressure on them (they have enough of that), and make sure I keep up on their lives. We talk about the wedding and about their lives (and my non-wedding life) because they’re my friends and I love them (and I want to keep it that way).

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