(Closed) Why does being a bridesmaid give them the right to be a crappy friend? *Vent*

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 17
Member
2359 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@vorpalette:  +1 

there is no reason to not continue on like normal just because there is a wedding.

Post # 18
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Too many brides have too high of expectations for their girls. Most of the brides that come on here and complain about their bridesmaids are upset because their bridesmaid won’t go dress shopping, throw a party for them, help with projects, and doesn’t call them every day to talk wedding.

I picked two of my BFF to be my BM’s. The one is a good friend that will be there for me whenever I need her, but I also recognize that she works as a nurse and has two kids. Is my wedding really more important than her daily life that I can’t ask someone else to help if I really need it? All I wanted was for my friends to be there to share my day and witness me marrying a man I love. It seems nowdays that is good enough.

Don’t pick a bridesmaid that is already drama to start with. If they didn’t care that you got engaged then its on YOU for picking them.

Post # 19
Member
8437 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@vorpalette:  +1

Post # 20
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I went back and read your other threads that you started for some more information, and basically what I can say is this.

When a bridesmaid has NO interest in anything before the wedding, this should tell a bride something about the relationship.  There really isn’t one.  I have read alot on here, and I have read too often of those who ask someone to be a bridesmaid although they are “not really close anymore” or “even though we have an iffy relationship” or some ridiculous thing like that.  And then they wonder why their girl is not being there for them.  BECAUSE IF SHE WASN’T THERE BEFORE, SHE IS NOT GOING TO BE THERE JUST BECAUSE YOU ASKED HER TO BE A BRIDESMAID.  If someone truly cares, there will be some interest, (busy-ness aside), but if all a bride receives is a bunch of excuses, then the bride has not chosen her bridal party well.

It seems that your bridesmaid is not much of a “friend” anymore.  You admitted yourself that she is your ex-best friend!!  If she stays, it seems that you are going to be continually disappointed.  There is no reason for you to have someone that does not truly care for you, and it doesn’t sound like she does. 

Take the loss, cut her out, and move on.

Post # 21
Member
1314 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t understand why the qualifications you would want to have in a Bridesmaid or Best Man are limited to someone that will show up the day of and look pretty. The qualifications for my Bridesmaid or Best Man include being a part of my life in all facets. If I am going through drama at my job, I want my Bridesmaid or Best Man to be there. If my family is getting on my nerves and acting like a bunch of douchbags, I want my Bridesmaid or Best Man there. If I’m stressed out while trying to write my dissertation for my PhD, I want my Bridesmaid or Best Man there. If I am planning a huge party (that happens to include me being married) that stresses me put more than I have been stressed in my freaking life, I want my Bridesmaid or Best Man there. “Those aren’t Bridesmaid or Best Man duties”, many of you will say…no, but they are things a friend would do. And before they were bridesmaids, they were friends, and THAT is how I expect for them to be. Anything else isn’t worthy of what I expect from a friend. If a bride picks someone to be their Bridesmaid or Best Man that did nothing in the same realm as the previous examples, then they shouldn’t be BM’s because they are clearly not friends. If they weren’t there before, then all they will most certainly do is “show up and look pretty.”

Post # 22
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@tangentialbee:  Or it could be that the bridesmaids who have issues also have issues with their other relationships. I have a problem bridesmaid, yet I have excellent relationships with everyone else, including other members of the bridal party. She does things like yell at me that I don’t care about her anymore and never talk to her, when I call her every week and IF she picks up she tells me she’s too busy to talk and will call me back later but then never calls… Sorry, that’s not ME having an issue, that’s HER. No one else feels like I’m ignoring their friendship because I’m planning the wedding – because I’m NOT. I talk to all the other bridal party members as well as other friends at least once a week, mostly about not-wedding stuff! My problems with the problem bridesmaid have less to do with the wedding than that she’s being a crappy friend in general, and that’s distressing when she has never been this way before. It would be distressing even if she wasn’t a bridesmaid.

Post # 23
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

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@distracts:  I’m not sure what you want me to say. I don’t know your situation so I can’t say she is the issue or you are.

I stand mby my experience that the women who have problems, usually always have problems. Some people are just more understanding, or accepting, or whatever and it makes them easier to be friends with. On the flip-side, some people are very difficult, demanding, and judgemental making being their friend more difficult.

Post # 24
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@tangentialbee:  I’m not saying that people don’t have problems, I’m saying it isn’t always THE BRIDE who is the one with the problem, which is what you were saying. Perhaps in many of these problem bridesmaid cases, it is the bridesmaid who is the difficult friend and the bride who is the easy friend, whereas you seem to keep saying it is ALWAYS the bride who is the difficult friend. Granted, the people who are prone to making scroll-forever posts about how crappy their bridesmaids are probably ARE the difficult friend, but it’s not every situation, or even imo most situations.

Post # 25
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

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@distracts:  in my experience it has been the bride. I spoke from experience but didnt say it was always the bride in every case ever.

I think the fact that you are taking this so personally might mean that on some subconcious level you feel you are to blame in your own situation.

Post # 26
Member
2359 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@Bellagiobride:  Bingo!

 

don’t pick a random just for the sake of having a bridesmaid, or an even number… etc etc.  you are picking a FRIEND

Post # 27
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Stressed_Bride15:  Well, being a bridesmaid for over a year sounds pretty stressful to me.  I have to be on call for a bride for 365+ days?  I am expected to drop everything and attend every wedding related outing or party for over a year or be considered a bitchy bridesmaid?  That is why we usually suggest waiting until 6 to 9 months before the wedding to select your bridesmaids.

Post # 28
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@beachbride1216  +1

Post # 29
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

I think the whole bridal party / bride issue cuts both ways.

YES! The bride is getting married, it’s a life altering event and being excited for and with her is a reasonable expectation…but let’s don’t be silly, no one can keep that level of energy up for months on end, regardless of how much they care about another person and honestly, bride-centered thinking can get a little old after a while because no matter what you talk about, it always circles back to The Wedding. 

YES!  Bridesmaids and Maids of Honor should do what they can to help a bride out, be there for the bride, attend wedding centered activities and lend a hand whenever possible…after all, we’re friends and friends do those kinds of things for each other.  Being patient, a good listener and a cheerleader is always a good thing when someone is making a commitment of this level, so be the friend you would want, for the bride, when you can.

If everyone could come halfway on these things, then 98% of the bridesmaids board wouldn’t happen…oh the world we live in!

 

Post # 30
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@tangentialbee:  No, I’m taking it so personally because it sucks that my best friend is avoiding me, and reading your post made me feel like, even though you don’t know me, you were blaming me for this thing that is not under my control. I am not behaving differently than I was before getting engaged, but she is and it hurts my feelings and your post seemed overly reaching and triggered my hurt feelings. But it’s clear you’re going to continue to think that anyone who has a bridesmaid issue is a bitch, so whatever.

Post # 31
Member
2403 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’ve read my fair share of posts complaining about a bridesmaid, and I’d say less than 10% are what I’d call legit gripes. Maybe the bridal party isn’t returning any phone calls, maybe they are constantly criticizing the groom, maybe they gave a speech at the rehearsal dinner that really humiliated the bride. That’s the exception.

Most of the posts I read are 1 of 2 things. Either the bridesmaids aren’t “helping” enough- one bride complained that 2 of her girls were getting a free ride throughout the planning and not doing enough to justify the honor of being in this chicks wedding- or, far more commonly, the bridesmaids insist on living their own lives during that time. Most of the posts I read involve the bridesmaids daring to get pregnant, get engaged, or just  not allow the bride to monopolize all conversations with wedding talk, or not showing what the bride deems sufficient enthusiasm about every wedding update she announces.

I agree in general that your bridesmaids are your friends and as your friends, they should be interested in your life. But it seems to me that more often than not (and I understand there are exceptions to every rule) when a bride complains about her wedding party, she’s the one with unreadable or unrealistic expectations.

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