- 4 years ago
- Wedding: November 2013
to handle all issues of communication/problems/conflict FOR the other person?
Early in a relationship? Yep. Wedding planning? Maybe/Yes/No, depending on the situation.
Sticking up for you– YES!!
But it seems to be that anytime someone has a problem with the in-laws, the answer automatically is: have your DH/FI/SO talk to his parents.
There are most definitely some instances where this makes the most sense. But at the end of the day– the in-laws are becoming your family. You have a personal relationship with them. You don’t run to mom or dad or XX person to fix all your other problems, do you?
I’m 34, and I have a stepmom. While we certainly don’t have a complete conflicted relationship at this point, she entered my life when I was about 12 years old. There was definitely conflict of sorts through-out the years. And there have even been a few issues when I’ve been an adult. I used to always want my dad to handle it- because it seemed easier to me. She’s a smart woman, I felt like she really had an upperhand- and it was intimidating at time. Even when I felt I had a completely valid pointed– I always felt like she’d trump me LOL
My dad always made me go directly to the source- meaning her. I had to and talk to her about whatever issue we were having at the moment. Were they fun conversations? Usually not. But they certainly were more productive than having a third party communicate for us.
Over a year ago, it turned out that she was upset with me- but I had no idea why. We went to dinner with my parents- and I could just feel it. My husband thought I was nuts– “she seemed fine to me!!” – but that’s a stellar quality about her. She always managed to compose herself just enough that no one else will know she has a problem- unless you know her well enough.
Sure enough, I called my dad the next day, just to ask what’s up. Stepmom was at work, and dad was around- and since it was a hunch at the time- I opted to talk to him first. Yep, just as I thought, she had a problem. But she chose to talk to my dad about it. I called bullshit- and said “How on Earth am I ever supposed to know she even had a problem with me unless she communicates it- and why is it OK for HER to come to you, but I have to talk to her when I have a problem?”
It put things in perspective for me. Even in a “family dynamic” problem area….there are times when having the initial conversation with someone might be appropriate (in her case, I didn’t think so)- but it made me realize how important it is to have communication open.
I’m not married to her, I don’t live with her- but the fact that she is part of my family and I spend time with her- makes it important enought to deal with issues directly.
Don’t any of you Bees think “managing” a realtionship on your own with the in-laws important?