Why does he get to be happy when I am only just starting to feel better?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
4555 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

You weren’t the right person for him. Maybe he thought you were, maybe he wanted you to be, but you weren’t. This does not speak to any inadequacy in you, nor does it speak to any inadequacy in him. 

Let it go. The rehashing and ‘what ifs’ aren’t going to change anything. If this is still fresh and painful for you at this stage months post, I do recommend therapy. 

Post # 47
Member
31 posts
Newbee

F*cking men. I’m sorry, girl! Hugs!

Post # 48
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

demelza2510 :  I think you’re trying to make excuses for someone who just didn’t want to be with you anymore and are only listening to people’s comments that make you feel better about yourself. You’ve gotta snap out of it and stop being delusional.

Post # 49
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

“Why did he tell me he viewed me as his long term partner and wanted to move in together? Have me spend the holidays with his family? Make me a gift and carve my name in to it shortly before breaking up?”

It sounds like you’re putting too much stock in things he said during the relationship. It doesn’t really matter why he said it or why he changed his mind. He may have meant them, he may have been lying, he may have been deluding himself. I’m certain that it had nothing to do with you doing anything wrong, but was a compatibility issue. 

You no doubt have friends in your life whose company you enjoy, and who you care about, but who you just wouldn’t want to be in a realtionship with. That doesn’t mean that something is wrong with them, it just means that you wouldn’t be compatible in that way.

Your ex thought that you and he were no longer compatible, so he ended things. So what if he’s happy and appears to have the best life ever. That no longer has any bearing on your life. 

It is understandable that you are upset and questioning things right now. But some things you’ve said are quite self-depricating 

“[I] am left with the concern that I am not able to make a man happy enough to stay”. 

Why? Just because you and this one guy didn’t work out, doesn’t mean that you’ll never meet someone who you are compatible with. From this, it makes it seem as though you thing you need to change yourself to fit what this man’s preferences were. So you aren’t an adrenaline junkie, you don’t enjoy doing sports 24/7 and you are content to chill out at home some weekends? You can find someone who either shares your interests or is comfortable with you both having your own individual hobbies. Just because your ex wanted someone more “adventurous”, doesn’t mean that you needed to change into that to keep him. It’s not worth feeling like a performing monkey, to try and keep a man.

“He even said ‘you are more attractive, more intelligent, and will soon realise it’ and to be honest I think he meant it. Its the only small comfort!”

So what if he meant it, or was lying to flatter you. I hope that you know your worth without having to be told by a man.

It makes me happy to know that my SO finds me intelligent, caring, attractive, bla bla bla. However, I know these thing to be true whether or not he says them. If he and I were to break up tomorrow, I would be utterly devastated at the loss of a relationship I thought would last for the rest of our lives, but it would in no way change my perception of myself. I would not question my worth over the loss of a relationship. I used to do that when I was an extremely insecure teenager, and all it does is cause further insecurity and self doubt. 

Give yourself time, and stop comparing your happiness to his. You will be happy again, regardless of him. You are attractive and intelligent, regardless of whether he’s still around to tell you. Spend time enjoying the things you couldn’t while you were with him, like having a relaxing sunday at home doing whatever you fancy. Work on your bruised self-esteem and self-worth. Focus on self-care.

Realise that you dodged a bullet as a result of this breakup. You are no longer with someone who either lied to you, or lied to himself to try and make things to work. You no longer have to feel like a performing monkey. You won’t get over it immediately, but it will happen little by little.

Every time you think something like I can’t make a man happy enough to stay, or maybe I’m not attractive/intelligent enough, or if I made myself different then he would have stayed, remind yourself that none of those things are true. Tell that mean inner voice to shut up. Eventually it will.

Post # 50
Member
4061 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You need to stop asking “why?”. Because why does it matter? He made the decisions he made, and he himself may never know why. You’re choosing to torture yourself over this, by asking yourself these questions. And as you’ve seen, he’s not. So why do you keep giving him power over you? Why are you letting him impact the way you think about yourself? Why should some loser have that kind of power over a smart, capable woman? What did he ever do to deserve that?

He’s one guy. One guy who doesn’t have his shit together, doesn’t have himself figured out, and wasn’t the one. All this time you’re spending on the why of what he did is time you could be spending finding someone who is smart and capable and has the emotional maturity to treat you right, and be the partner you want him to be.

Let him go. Stop focuising on him, and focus on what YOU want out of your next partnership, and what this experience has taught you. It’s been long enough that it’s time to let the anger and the bitterness and the questions go, and to look at what this experience can do for you, and move forward.

Post # 51
Member
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

He is probably just a shallow person. Think no more of facebook posts, people go over the top to make it LOOK LIKE they are having this riotous life, full and filled with joy. HA!

All Facebook is for is “Look at MEEEE! I am in this fabulous place, having the best time in my life, with these fantastic people who I LURRRVE, and they LURRRVE me! Everything about my life is awesome and everyone is BEAUTIFUL!”

Maybe he is happy now, but who knows what it will be like in a year, or even a month. What I mean is, don’t put any stock in anything like that. 

All that really heals a breakup is time.And living your life. NOT throwing yourself into a maelstrom of activity, or dating a platoon of men. Just keeping yourself occupied. New hobby, not new manflesh. Unless a good one comes along. 

Post # 52
Member
10717 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

demelza2510 :  

Bee,

A month ago, you posted a thread asking the same questions.  I understand you’re still in pain, but you don’t seem to be making any real progress getting over this breakup.  You’re suffering much too much, which is why I am going to, again recommend therapy to help you get through this.

Post # 53
Member
2811 posts
Sugar bee

demelza2510 :   The difference in lifestyle was a problem for him, not me. 

That’s the point I was making. You’re lamenting that it came out of absolutely nowhere, but it didn’t. It feels that way right now and I don’t blame you, I’ve felt that way at the stage of the break up you’re in. But when you let yourself let go of this you’ll see that there were signs and incompatibilites that you just didn’t want to see.

I understand that you’re in pain, but it also seems like you’re refusing to accept it. Breakups are horrible, but you’re hardly the first person who felt blindsided by a breakup and were hurt by their ex moving on quickly. I don’t say that to be cruel, just to give you some objective perspective (which is usually the point of message boards). You’ll get over it in time, it’ll be fine. Stop raking over every detail trying to turn it into more of a riddle than it actually is. 

Post # 54
Member
2219 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

demelza2510 :  The reason you don’t feel better is because you are wallowing in your pain, believing that if you do it long enough, this will all start to make sense. That you’ll have an answer for why he could say those things when he didn’t feel them. How he could still be making romantic plans right up until the moment he broke things off. 

But here’s the thing; it doesn’t have to make sense. It doesn’t matter. No amount of post-mortem is going to give you an answer that feels satisfying. You’re just torturing yourself to no good end.

Even if you could see inside his head and know everything about his reasoning, IT WOULDN’T MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. Making “sense” of it won’t make it hurt less. 

People who feel deeply have a tendency to want to intellectualize their emotions. They think if they can understand why they’re upset, they’ll be able to avoid that kind of pain in the future. 

But emotions don’t work that way. You feel, you process, and hopefully you heal and come out stronger. 

The truth is, he wasn’t into it anymore. Who cares why. It’s about him. Not you. There’s no way you’re going to figure it out, and even if you did it wouldn’t help. 

Focus on thinking about why this hurts your self esteem so much. Why so much of your sense of worth as a partner is caught up in the opinion of someone you acknowledge isn’t very mature or honest. 

Stop trying to make sense of something that doesn’t matter – something that has no impact on your future – and start looking inside for something that does.

Post # 55
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

I understand how you’re feeling.

My ex bf broke up with me on my birthday and the next day brought the girl to church – after almost 5 years together and already planning to wed. They’re apparently getting married tomorrow (friend told me). It’s been 4 over years but yet when I think about it – it’s sad. It’s not cos I have feelings for him but rather how it ended. 

It took me 2 years to get over it, 1 year of fully crying and going a rollercoaster ride. It’s not easy cos I was in depression. I wouldn’t ever want that for anyone or experience that ever again but in a way I’m glad I did, cos through the hurts and tears, I changed.. I grew. I learned.

It takes time, cry it out as much as you have to. But don’t ever, ever, ever do anything silly. I had a friend who I confide with.. And she was a dear, she was there every day from morning to night through text to comfort me. I couldn’t have gone through it without her. So instead of theraphy, maybe you could confide with your bff. It helps. Believe me 🙂

Stay strong, you’ll be okay! 🙂

Post # 56
Member
416 posts
Helper bee

demelza2510 :  habit can do that. Caring for someone but not being “into them” can do that. My ex husband got me the most loving birthday card, proclaiming I was the love of his life and he couldn’t wait to celebrate many more birthdays with me. He was cheating on me at the time and less than a month later we separated. A couple weeks after the separation he was seemingly officially with that other woman. So I disagree, your ex boyfriend’s words and the things he did don’t necessarily mean you were as meaningful to him as you thought and hoped. It’s a really shitty situation :(. This may get old quickly because Im sure I’m not the only one saying it, but your person is out there. One that WILL BE just as crazy about you as you are about him. This ex will become meaningless. For now, I suggest you grieve however you need to, there is nothing wrong with accepting the pain and processing what feels like betrayal from someone you trusted with your heart. *hugs*

Post # 58
Member
73 posts
Worker bee

One thing I think is important is that people let go of the idea that if someone they love wants to be with someone else, it’s because they’re not good enough and the other person is “better”. In reality, that’s not how human beings work. Chemistry and what makes a relationship work is all really a mystery. The same person could be happy in a relationship with someone who has all the same hobbies, or in a relationship where they do everything separately, depending on the person and all these other factors. Most of the people from my high school who got married early and who seem to still be happy together a decade+ on are people who were unpleasant and unattrative. There’s no point trying to compare yourself with someone else because there’s no such thing as “better” or “worse” when it comes to why someone likes or loves someone else. There’s only chemicals and personality. And by personality I don’t mean someone’s nicer than you, I mean that something about the way their two personalities mesh “fits” better through no fault of anyone except a higher power and/or science, whatever you believe in. 

Honestly, we all think we can list all the reasons why we love our partners. But actually, if we think about it, we can’t! it’s true, I can tell you all the things I appreciate about my partner. My partner is nice, and we have things in common, and he’s funny, and cute, etc. But none of that is WHY I’m with HIM. Do you know how many people I’ve met in my lifetime who are nice and funny and cute who have things in common with me? Do you know how many people I’ve met who are nicer, or funnier, or cuter, or all those things? But I’m not with any of them because whether they are or aren’t objectively “better” than my current partner has exactly NOTHING to do with whether or not I’d ever want to date them and everything to do with the inexplicable science of what makes us fall for other people.

So you weren’t this guy’s perfect girlfriend. It’s nothing to do with whether or not you are good enough, or valuable, or pretty, or nice, or fun, or what activies you like. There’s nothing you could do differently to change things. 

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