- 5 years ago
I have been with my man for 3 years. He is a very loyal and affectionate man and has stood by me in my difficult moments. We don’t live in the same house because he still lives with his mother…He wants to marry me but I am not ready to walk down that path..again..I am divorced and have been going through a lot emotionally trying to fight a difficult child custody battle.<br /><br />For the first 3 months sex was exciting. Once I started telling him I would like him to learn my body as how to give me more pleasure he started accusing me of nagging him. He is 35 and I am 37. We are definitely mature in age though it seems he does not want to age.. I have been honest about my sex life with him and told him how for a long time I was alone and even when married I had a miserable sex life (my ex was verbally abusive to me. I want to enjoy the rest of my years now because my best years were wasted. I am fit and healthy while he is the opposite-he smokes, does not watch his diet and sleeps late. He is not consistent with anything and he says he likes it this way because he does not want to conform to any rules about anything.. <br />I work to pay my bills and expenses while he still lives with his mother… There was a time when he inherited a lot of money (300,000 EUROS) and he ended up spending it all within a 4 year period. <br />He did not invest it anywhere neither did he buy his own place to move out from his family home which he has been living for 30 years and he is literally a ‘starving artist’. He does art and has a great talent but when he had the money, he never went to get some kind of diploma or attend a seminar while he had the chance to upgrade his skills and earn some kind of certificate which will show his credentials. <br /><br />He does contribute in his best way possible and has bought me many things though he had never really sat down to tell me that he has no other income and whatever money he had left in the bank he spent it again all. I would ask him if he can afford to buy me this or that and he would tell me ”sure, no problem at all”.. Until he was drained financially. He complains about the system, the crisis, he is a negative person and gets dissapointed easily though he believes he can accomplish many things one day..One time he was obsessed winning money by playing in the stock market and he would drain me every day for 1 whole year,complaining about the sudden changes in the stocks and how he had lost money again etc. He was adamant that one day he would learn the stock market so well that he would earn lots of money..That never happened though. I tried to encourage him by acknowledging his art talent and his sharp mind (he is super smart but I think he is emotionally immature) and told him to keep on painting and make as much art as possible in order to have a larger portfolio with fresh art works to present to future customers. He agreed he has to do it but then again he falls into his own world and sits on his pc allowing too much time to go by without being ‘fruitful’ playing Pirates of the Carribean on Facebook. I have no idea what that game is and how much time it can steal away.<br /><br />When it comes to our sex life (once every 3 months), he has NO erectile disfunction at all and please excuse me for saying this but he does have a good tool..though he is not using it much. He prefers to sleep, go for a ride on his bike or watch TV rather than have sex. He will never say no to doing things for me around the house or if he gets an offer (once in a blue moon)to do a painting or renovate a place. He does tell me many excuses for avoiding sex such as ”you nag me and I feel I cant satisfy you in bed”, “I have no money and no motivation for sex”, ”I want to move to Europe where art is appreciated and then Ill feel better about myself to have sex”, ”it’s too cold”, ”it’s too hot”, ”this is the way I have been doing sex and Im not going to change what I know”, ”if you want sex you have to tell me when you want it”, ”I used to make sex a priority and it would destroy the relationship so now I dont anymore”…
Many times I have gone to sleep crying because he neglects me sexually. Lately, I feel very frustrated sexually and deprived ot the point I am starting to think about other men and I feel guilty about this. A few times when I initiated sex he rejected me using different reasons such as ”I am hungry now” or ” I am tired”. I know he is home most of the time and have access to his home within walking distance. Each time I call him he is there. <br />I should mention here that his relationships lasted 6 months-no more. <br />I am not a nagger, I am a communicator though. I prefer to voice out my needs and preferences in a straight forward manner than be indirect and hold a grudge. To him, telling him to learn my body and keep me satisfied is ”nagging”! He is also a slob. He will keep on making a mess for the same things I have told him repeatedly to be more careful about. I have always been polite about such things but how long can someone remain ‘polite’ when the same things about being tidy are repeated over and over again?? At some point patience runs out. <br />His mother is 85 years old, a very controlling woman and a super nagger who they fight very often and she still does his laundry and cooks for him though not every day. I cook also and he comes over to eat and I wash the clothes he has at my place. His home is in a bad shape also. His mother had to call her son in law many times to clean up the front yard. He has not even painted his home (same color for 30 years..) because he says he cannot stand his mother toxic nagging who does not want any changes in the house. His garden and front yard is destroyed by his bull terrier dog who is a very active animal and I believe is not the kind of dog that would do in a small house and an 85 year old woman. He said he got this dog because as a child he could never get what he wanted, his parents always rejected his needs and were negative to him (which is very true and I also do blame his parents for many things in his life) and he decided to keep the dog once he knew his mother would not want it just to be vindictive to her for damaging his life.
<br />This man is confusing me. Is it me? Is it falling for someone who makes me feel sorry for him? Is it his toxic relationship with his mother that made him to be and act this way? Is it that he got comfortable all these years staying with his mother and he likes to be treated as a child?? I had a toxic mother also but I decided to stay away from her and fight life to survive instead of living with her and revenge her for all the hurt she has caused me. Maybe it was my mistake for getting into a relationship with a man of different habits but what drew me to him was his rare honesty, affection and sincerity. He is affectionate but not in a sexual way and when he wants to, he can do good sex-when he wants to or when he feels like it and that’s not often at all. In the beginning of our relationship he asked me to ”turn him into a man”..and he would say things like ”I feel secure with you”. This seemed strange to me and I felt he probably meant that he trusts me to be loyal to him but now I wonder if his words had another meaning.<br /><br />I have a feeling my man wanted a ‘second mother’. <br />I am at a loss. Any input would be highly appreciated.