(Closed) Why does marriage feel like an ending? Scared.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Your social life is up to you. If YOU want friends, YOU can make friends. most countries have a large and gregarious expat community.

Marriage is not an “end”. For me, it has been a lauching point for adventure, travel, and support. We’ve moved across the country together, backpacked through Asia and New Zealand, started new jobs, etc in the past 2 1/2 years of marriage. Getting married is only limiting if you hold yourself to sterotypes instead of pursuing the life you want.

He doesn’t have to go out if he doesn’t want to, but there isn’t anything stopping you. If you want a partner that goes out with you, well, then that’s another conversation about whether you should be marrying this specific person. But it isn’t “marriage”‘s fault.

Post # 4
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I would postpone the wedding until you’ve lived together for a while. You seem concerned about what life would be like actually living in the same place as him. I would be concerned too.

His feelings will definitely be hurt, but it will be a lot worse if you try to hide your concerns.

The part of your post that concerns me most is that there is something about your fiance’s personality that has always bothered you (his introverted nature).  Sometimes my husbands actions or choices bother me, or are not what I would have done, but at the end of the day we accept and love each other for who we are.

Post # 6
Member
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Mr. 99 is a total homebody!  He’s happy to hang out and lay around the house with the dogs, tinkering on a car, regrouting the bathroom or just vegging out…which is fine.  I’m the kind of person that likes to go do things, so I do!  I go out with my friends to lunch, go shopping with my Mom, see movies, perform in plays…whatever catches my fancy…when we make plans to do something together, he happily comes along, he gets along great with out other couple friends, he just likes to be on Home Base…as he calls it…and it works out fine!

Post # 7
Member
1342 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

When we first started going out, it was different. He had so many great stories about his years in college. He talked about wanting to travel. He once spontaneously picked a new hobby and went off to try it with a friend. He loved going to bars, listening to live music. He went to the gym and did a marathon for charity. But that was years ago. I’d say the last 3 or 4 he’s just been couch potato man. But he says this is just him getting older – settling down. 



Can you tell him that?  And say when he says he’s just settling down explain that you need to settle into your lives together and for you, to make you more comfortable, it is doing things like this?  There has to be a compromise.  

Post # 8
Member
6123 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Well, I have to admit, I’d be scared shitless too about moving to a new country to marry a man I’ve  only been LDR with who seems to be a different person than before. 

I am 6 years older than your Fiance and you’re making 30 sounds like he’s an old man by now.  It’s not the age of 30, it’s him – the depression or personality or what not.

This is so life changing for you – you HAVE to be able to talk about it.  You cannot tip toe around this and hope he doesn’t get offended, you’re whole life is changing here. He better be open to helping you find solutions, making it as seamless as possible for you.  Maybe he was putting on a front in the early years?  What you see now is who you get?

Post # 9
Member
2253 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Darling Husband is also an introvert. He rarely goes out unless I ask him to come along. Like you, I’m also very social. It used to bother me as I felt his unwillingness to venture out on his own was holding me back. Then I realized, I went out tons before we moved in together, and he preferred to stay at home. We were happy as could be then. Why should I try to change this when we’re married? 

I think a part of you fears that he will be the only person you know in France so if he is not inclined to be social, it puts a damper on you acclimating to a new environment. Don’t worry, you’ll mak friends faster than you think. Also with you being there, he may be more inclined to venture out socially.

Post # 10
Member
7647 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I prefer to stay home and Darling Husband prefers to go out. We work very well and compromise when we can, but I don’t ever say he can’t see his friends or go out whenever he wants to. I think you may be thinking too much into it. Even if he doesn’t want to go out, you can. Make some new friends and enjoy married life as well as new friendships 🙂

Post # 11
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@SadMrsToBe:  Tell him what you’re feeling and what you’re afraid might potentially happen. You’re considering moving your life across the ocean so everything needs to be put on the table. Otherwise, you’re going to end up resenting him.

 

Post # 12
Member
11422 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’m posting so that I can come back to this thread later to comment when I have time to write a thoughtful response.

Post # 13
Member
3063 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

My husband is a social butterfly and I am not. It takes work, because if it were up to him we’d CONSTANTLY be going out and if it were up to me we’d constantly be staying in. I think that our relationship works because we both put in efforts to keep the other satisfied. If he really wants to go out and visit his friends I will get all dressed up and put on a happy face for him. If I want to stay in that night we’ll have some dinner, beer, and watch some TV. If he really wants to go out and I really want to stay in then he goes out and I stay in. Marriage is about compromise and if both partners WANT to make it work it CAN work. Good luck 🙂

Post # 14
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Oh my gosh, when I read this, I felt like I was reading my own story.

We have SUCH similar stories!

My guy is a British homebody & I’m an American social butterfly.
We met when we were 18 and got engaged after 6 years, married after 7.
We have been long distance almost the whole time but we did stints here & there of 3-9 months in each other’s country the first 3-4 years of our relationship.

I moved to London on a work visa for about 9 months to try it all out and live with him and the city and the culture not as a tourist but as a resident. I wanted my own friends and to go do all the things I saw on TV in London & live it up… Let me tell you, the transition was tough on us and we had more fights about going out/me meeting new friends/travel/etc than I EVER imagined… 

We were selfish youngins that didn’t know how to be carefully honest with each other about our feelings, needs emotionally and socially (like our “love languages”) and what we wanted for our future… there were tears and pain but it was a reality check and we loved each other enough to realize what we were doing to each other – essentially sabotage.

it took this big journey to help us grow up into caring, considerate adults that take each other’s needs into account and create a balance because it was important to both of us that what we wanted was equally supported.

We have decided to move to the USA (because I want to raise babies near my mom when we have kids eventually) but I dreamed for YEARS of the travel and romance of a European lifestyle and I still kinda want to move back in a few years just for the first couples years of our marriage while we don’t have kids and stuff… but our Visa paperwork is already all sorted so we’re stuck for a while. lol

 

Anyway, what I mean to say is, you need to have a BIG TALK and don’t let him get defensive because its not productive.  You need to be sure you can be honest with him all the time about the way you feel, your fears and about how you want him to be your best friend and life partner and that a relationship like that should have balance.

by the way, do you think his meds have something to do with his lack of energy or ambitions to be social & etc?  Or does he have a really demanding job?  Maybe he just likes to chill out because that’s all he finds appealing but that will change when YOU come…

I know my Darling Husband is the same. He’ll rarely make an effort with his friends but they practically stalk him and come over and get him out of the house and etc because they love hanging out with him so much… when I’m there, I am there to plan and encourage him to GO out with meeee because it makes me happy and so we do.

I would start with honesty though. Don’t expect him to have all the answers but DO try to be clear and reasonable with your expectations and ambitions.

Post # 15
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I think there is more than ONE ISSUE at play here…

First and foremost he is more Introverted than you are… and I take it that might just be part of who he has ALWAYS been.  Second, he’s suffered from Depression, and so that naturally can make people even more exclusive / reclusive as a coping mechanism (even when they are on the road to recovery)

Lastly, it sounds like you guys have ONLY had a Long Distnace Relationship for the entire length of your relationship… nothing wrong with that… BUT before committing to marriage I certainly would want to spend more time getting to know / with my partner.

Is there any chance, that you could put off the Wedding for awhile, and go to live in France (or he come to America) be it to live seperately, or together… so you could see each other in your “natural habitat” and how you go thru your daily lives on a longer term basis than a weekend here or there… or an “extended vacation”

If you find that it all comes out ok (as others have said I do agree that sometimes folks who are different from one another can have very successful marriages) then all is well and good

If it looks like there might be some bumps in the road that come to light, then you can make a plan to work on them pre-Wedding (ie see a Counsellor together, meet with his Physician / Therapist etc)

Both 24 and 30, is young… you both have a lot of life ahead of you… you should be planning to make the most of it (a Wedding is truly a NEW Beginning) rather than feeling threatened that life will change in a negative way (an Ending)

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 16
Member
27 posts
Newbee

Among other reasons, I think a big reason my parents got divorced was the introvert/extrovert clash. My mom would get frustrated because my dad’s idea of a good Friday night was staying in, cooking a nice meal, and watching a movie, while her idea was going to something happening around town. I am an introvert and could never imagine being in a relationship with a strong extrovert. It just doesn’t work.

Can you live with your fiance for a couple of months? It should be a good way to test out your dynamic. You can ask him to go out with you to events and things, but you cannot change his true nature. An introvert needs peace and quite to recharge their batteries, while an extrovert draws that energy from being around other people. If you’re up for a good read, you should check out this book: Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking.

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