(Closed) Why does No kids = hate kids?

posted 12 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 32
2689 posts
Sugar bee

I certainly wouldn’t think someone not coming would mean they aren’t a good friend.People chose to do what THEY want to do.

You can’t make someone come to your wedding–no kids or destination wedding. You can’t tell someone what to do with their money–spend more to add kids, buy that bridesmaid dress because it’s the best, who cares if it’s $600!

All you can do is respect their decision and continue to love them.


Post # 34
2767 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@spaganya – those sorts of restrictions don’t bother me unless they’re phrased as if a 19-20 year old is a kid. (Obviously you explained your situation nicely and never implied it.) I think, though, that others don’t think before they speak and assume that it’s it wouldn’t be offensive at all to lump young adults in with kids. 

I know to most people, it’s not a big deal. But I live with this stereotype every single day, and so even the littlest bits hit home. 

It sounds silly, but it just makes me so mad. It frustrates me to no end that here I was on my own at 18, working two jobs to put myself through school, and I’ve succeeded. I’m now engaged and planning a wedding, still working (one job now, thank goodness) and still going to school full-time. I pay rent, I pay bills, I have student loans and grants, etc. I am responsible for the well-being of three animals, and I am in the process of committing my life to another person for the rest of our lives, damn it! I am not a kid! 

It wouldn’t frustrate me nearly as much if wedding pros, random people, etc, didn’t make the same mistakes. I think people often refer back to where they were at that point in life, or where so and so is, and think that it’s okay to put a blanket judgment on everyone. But nothing makes me want to pull out my hair more than someone who says, “when you graduate and have to deal with the real world” or whatever. And even though calling someone under 21 a kid isn’t expressly saying that, it’s adding to that stigma of people under 21 relying on their parents and not acting as contributing adults in our society.

@KLP – I’m really glad you posted this thread. I think there are so many defense mechanisms that go up in regards to no kids policies, on both sides. Ultimately, though, you’ll be having a beautiful wedding and I think it’s perfectly reasonable to have restrictions on who can come. Most people don’t have an unlimited budget or capacity, and some people would rather kids not attend for other reasons. There’s nothing wrong about that, and if a guest doesn’t like it, that is their decision. I’m not sure why there’s such a stigma against no-kids policies when it’s pretty much the same thing as a destination wedding – if you don’t like it or can’t make the logistics work, you send your regrets. 

Post # 35
1300 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@lilyfaith – i totally understand what you are saying. it is a horrible feeling when you are excluded soley because of age, when you are just as responsible (if not more so) than some other person who happens to be a couple years older.

Post # 36
1707 posts
Bumble bee

@Lilyfaith – Amen! I know exactly how you feel.

@KLP – I am in a similar situation as you. I am not yet engaged but when we do there will be at least 50-75 children whom we have already decided we will not be inviting. I am very nervous to see what all of my cousins and his cousins say to this. What do you say when family members ask why are my children not invited? How do you tactfully reply while making them understand that you just cannot afford to invite more?

Post # 37
946 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’ll proudly get on the ‘we are having an evening wedding reception with cocktails and a plated dinner and that is not a child appropriate event’ train.  I love kids.  ADORE them.  You should see me when I’m around them, I turn into a total clown.  HOWEVER, on my wedding day, I would just like a nice, elegant affair sans children.  I too, feel that those who are allowing children make it a special point to say “WE are having children at our wedding because WE LOVE CHILDREN and we LOVE FAMILY and OUR WEDDING is about FAMILY”… it does imply that those of us who are having a different kind of wedding don’t value those things, even though I’m sure it wasn’t intentional.

I just find it amusing how people get all up in arms about brides who don’t want to provide on site babysitting.  Just because you have a child does not mean you are entitled to have babysitting provided for you.  You wouldn’t ask the B&G to pay for your hotel room, which is often a cost that people incur to attend a wedding, so why should childcare be any different?  I consider providing on site childcare one of those “very nice, but not necessary” items, like offering to pay for everyone’s parking.

I totally get not wanting to leave your child with a stranger, but for a local wedding?  And you don’t have ONE babysitter in your aresenal that you can book 6 months out when you get that STD card?  Really?  Really?  Fine then.  Stay home.  I won’t hold it against you, that’s your choice.  I’ll still love you the same but I will be amused at your excuse that you just “couldn’t” find a babysitter. 🙂 

Post # 38
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

  This is terrible of me to say but I sure do hope some woman on here either do become moms and see the light or never do because it doesnt sound like they will become good ones.

  I dont want kids crying during my ceremoney either but common people. Things ARE going to go wrong. No matter what (kid crys, caterer doesnt get things right, cake order is messed up) Your still married to your man at the end of the day.

  I can just for warn all the “No kids brides” right now. I understand you decision. Really I do. But someone IS going to bring their kids. Ive been to “no kid” weddings and not everyone will respect that rule. But if you dont let it slide and you say something, well then you can just say goodbye to that friend/family member for good. Wow, I think worse things could go wrong during your day then a crying baby. Ive seen a wedding where a bride got left at the alter…now THATS bad!

Post # 39
22 posts
  • Wedding: May 2010

Um, I’d have to say I”m with KLP. I like kids, but I would prefer them absent from my wedding. Miss FlipFlops is right, things will go wrong but why have something else contributing to what can already be a potentially stressful day. It’s impossible to make everyone happy, so if it makes you happy nix the kids.

Post # 40
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I completely agree. We are only going to be having 4 children there- and they are all immediate family. Honestly, if we allowed all of our friend’s children to come- we’d be adding an additional 75 people to the guest list. It was a hard decision to make, because there are some children I’ve watched grow up and they are a big part of my life. I love kids, but after discussing it with our parents- Fiance and I decided to make it immediate family only.

My cousin’s wedding was immediate family children only and it worked out well. The guests all understood where they were coming from and it wasn’t met with resistance or people feeling like they were anti-family at all.

Post # 41
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

Kids or no kids is good. Hey, it’s a wedding so it’s all good! It is purely up to the B&G.

As a Wedding Host/DJ, we see kids at most weddings but many are kid free. There will always be issues with kids at weddings and with parents who do not properly supervise them.

If you have a child in the ceremony, just expect that kids will be kids, accept it, have fun and go with it. If you want a ceremony where nothing can go wrong, don’t have kids in it but still keep your fingers crossed.

A children’s table with a sitter or two is way better than none and their parents will love you for it because it will allow them to dance and celebrate. Kids usually don’t enjoy being at a wedding… “BORING”. Give something for the kids to do like coloring books and crayons and it will make them happy as well.

We like to involve everyone and (if the B&G approve) we usually involve the kids. One good way is to give each a piece of art paper and ask them to make a special drawing for the B&G. Then, before the real important stuff begins, we collect the works of art, make a fuss over how wonderful they all are and then, with a child or two in tow to represent the kids, we present them to the B&G. It also makes a nice addition to your wedding day scrapbook.

Post # 42
798 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@MissFlipFlops: Isn’t that person ( the one who brings their uninvited child) the same as someone who decides that they should be able to bring a date/friend/random person to the wedding when they weren’t invited?  It’s INCREDIBLY rude.  And while I would not say anything to the person on the actual day (because I wouldn’t want to make a scene and I want to enjoy my wedding stress free), it WOULD effect my friendship with them because I would see it as a respect issue.  If you can’t get child care for the night, then I completely understand why you can’t come.  I wouldn’t be upset.  I would, however, be EXTREMELY upset and hurt if you showed up with your child when I had not invited them, as I would be if you brought your, uninvited, Aunt Mary.

I’m glad that KLP posted this, because I completely agree with her.  This issue is very contentious at best and often people are very insulting (on both sides of the argument).  


Post # 43
3579 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@MissFlipFlop – I am having a Adult wedding and all of my friends are looking forward to it. Granted I am having a very small wedding and all of the people invited are my close friends and will want to have some drinks to celebrate us. But I can tell you I love kids and will make a great mother! Yet at the same time, I will also happily leave my kids with my parents once and while to have a adult night out. One of my good friends has a 2 year old daughter and is having an adult wedding! If a bride and groom want an adult party they are definitely in their rights to have one and if someone just brought their kids anyway that would be incredibly rude!

I never really get offended by the people who say “we are having kids because we love kids” because I know that I love kids and I also know that my interpretation of a wedding as an adult affair is different from their interpretation of a wedding as an all inclusive family affair.

Post # 44
1114 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Like some have said I think it is a personal decision and does not mean anything about liking or disliking kids…I have been to weddings where there were a few kids that were perfectly fine…and then some that had so many kids I thought I was at a 10 yr old birthday party. But I am sure that the bride and groom in those weddings wouldnt have it any other way and thats all that matters. So as a guest I have never really let it get to me either way. DEF dont think that if you dont have kids there it means you hate kids. As for my wedding…I think we will have to have kids…as a lot of guests are going to be out of town guests…am I happy about it? Not really…I actually prefer slightly younger kids (around 6) because they are so cute on the dance floor and then poop out by around 9. But the kids that I will have to invite are going to be around 10 and 12 and all have a flare for drama. I may just have to suck it up…because my PARENTS will pay for them…but if it was my own budget…I dont think I would…Not hating the kids…but I just dont think, like some, that it is an appropriate venue for children when the reception is in the evening. Again…a personal choice.

Post # 45
3060 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I am having one of the kid friendly weddings. However, if I were having a formal reception or had to worry about my numbers, I would be fine not inviting children. Ours just worked out to where I could invite them comfortably. I definitely don’t think anything negative of brides who don’t invite children –we all are entitled to our own wedding decisions, and neither side should be judged for their choice.

Post # 46
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2020

I remember going to all of my relatives’ weddings. I remember one in particular, as a 6-year old, and how many times I begged my parents to take me home because it was boring and that I didn’t know the bride and groom, anyways. The food was great, but I was surrounded by random kids I didn’t know and didn’t care to socialize with. But when my uncles got married at 8-10 years old, I had more fun because I sat with my brothers, and my cousins, and people I knew. Maybe that’s something to keep in mind.

I have a 6 year-old brother. When he was around 4 when we tried to make him ringbearer for my brother (who was 26 at the time). It was a disaster. He couldn’t even wear a tie. He threw fits. Went all nuts. Ran up to my little sis (a sensible 6 at the time) pulling her flowergirl’s dress and screaming through the ceremony. He did it again during my aunt’s wedding a year later. It was embarrassing, but I can’t even imagine how my mom felt.

So not inviting children can be a gesture of saving grace to the parents. Let the kids be kids. If you’re having a black-tie wedding, x kids out. If you’re having a beach BBQ I could see how that’d be more fun for the kids, but it should be most importantly be fun for you and your groom first!

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