(Closed) Why does No kids = hate kids?

posted 12 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 47
Member
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Amen, Arwenbride!

@MissFlipFlops- I can’t believe you really said that because someone doesn’t want kids at a formal, adult wedding- it means they wouldn’t be a good Mom?!?!?! Wow.

My sister is my Maid/Matron of Honor, and her son, who is almost 2, will be my ringbearer. His other Grandparents will be coming to get him after the ceremony, for a multitude of reasons. My sister and brother-in law would like to have a nice time at the reception. They NEVER get to go out to adult events. It is also unrealistic and unfair to believe that a 2-year-old child is going to last all day and night, with no nap, being around people poking and prodding at him, taking his picture, etc., and not think that the kid is either going to want to sleep or have a meltdown because he will be tired, pissed, and want to go home. My sister is an EXCELLENT mother. My nephew not staying for the reception was my sister’s call- it was HER idea. AND NO, THAT DOESN’T MAKE HER A BAD MOTHER!!!

As for your comment that people will intentionally show up at an “adult reception” with kids in tow, to me, someone who does that is not a “FRIEND.” Someone who is rude and disrespectful enought to blatantly ignore the bride and groom’s wishes and force an awkward situation on one of the most important days of our lives, is not a friend. If anyone is foolish enough to do such a thing, they will be stopped by the wedding coordinator and politely informed that it is an adults-only event, and that we do not have accomodations for children. I will not feel one bit bad about that.

Just as I don’t accept invites to people’s Christmases or Thanksgivings and bring  random uninvited guests with me, I expect them to show me the same respect at our wedding. If they can’t do that, then I expect them to stay home.  

 

Post # 48
Member
946 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@ MissFlipFlops- How DARE you insinuate that the brides who do not want children at their weddings would make bad mothers?  Exactly where do you find the connection between parenting skills (or future parenting skills) and wanting a child-free, adults-only event? 

Good lord, girl, you need to think a little bit before you post comments like that on this board. 

 

Post # 49
Member
1656 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Ditto @Miss Root.

Post # 50
Member
4081 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@Miss Flip Flop   You can’t actually connect the two-not allowing children to a wedding and being a bad mother. Many people are not allowing children for many reasons (price, time of day, type of venue, to give parents a night out, etc.). How does that equate to them someday being a bad mother? Whoa…I’m not offended because I know I’ll be a great Mom and I have great reasons for not allowing children (except our three out-of-town families kids) but you really should think about what you said. Not cool…

Post # 51
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

For the record!  I am a parent and I have nothing against kid free weddings!  Ours will have kids becuase we have 3 and it didn’t seem right to not let anyone bring kids if ours will be there.  There will be a total of 13 kids, 5 in the wedding party and all but 2 are family.  I completely understand that kids don’t always fit into a formal eveing wedding reception, and that is every brides right to want the wedding they want.

 

that being said, it is not the “NO KIDS” part that offends people and makes them think the person hates kids…its the………

 

“I don’t want any whining kids yapping at their parents and and sniveling all night because they are bored”  That shows that the person has an issue with kids…..come on.  That doesn’t sound a little anti-kid in general to you?????

Post # 52
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Wow, kids have been a HUGE beehive issue lately!!!

I am a mom, and I completely understand and respect a bride/grooms decision to have an Adults Only wedding. Growing up myself and my Fiance both recall never attending weddings when we were children, and we debated about whether or not to have a child-free wedding ourselves. Partly because of our background, partly because we wanted adults to have the opportunity to enjoy themselves, and partly because we didn’t necessarily think that a late evening reception with an open bar was very child-friendly. We’ve since decided that the children in our families, especially our own son, should be there to share the special day with us. And that’s just our personal preference.

That being said, there have been some comments on these boards that have set my teeth on edge. Comments that I recall being along the lines of: kids are yappy brats; if a baby cried during my ceremony I will stop the vows to yell at the mom; my worst nightmare is having a kid at the wedding; if someone doesn’t care enough about me to leave their kid behind then I am happy that I’m not paying $100 to feed them; etc. I see some of these comments as insulting and in poor taste. It also bothers me to see so many people making comments along the lines of “Oh, and are YOU going to pay the $50.00 for your kids plate, or does that just count in the gift your giving me?” because first of all, the most important thing should be that people are there to celebrate your day, not what you’re physically getting out of their being there. And second of all, when I attend a wedding I always always give a money gift in the amount of all of my family’s plates and as well a gift. I figured that this was common practice, so it surprises me to see lots of comments directed to parents, aka “cheap people”.

That being said, I think that everyone deserves their wedding to reflect their personal preferences. And yes, I think that it is rude for someone to pencil in their childrens name on the RSVP, or worse yet, just show up with their kids! And by no means do I think that a bride/groom who opts for a child-free wedding is selfish, hates children, or that they would be bad parents themselves. But on the flip side I definitely think that some child-free brides (and grooms) have to understand that sometimes things come up and a parent may not be able to help celebrate the big day, because when it comes down to it, a parents first priority is always going to be the child.

Post # 53
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

As someone who works with kids for a living, I view the ‘whining’ and ‘yapping’ comments a little differently. Sorry to sound harsh, but kids DO, in fact, whine. They yap. They cry, snivel, shriek, tantrum, tease, fight, make messes, and wail. Sometimes they even hit, bite, and kick.

Do I say this because I hate kids? NO! I love kids, but loving someone for who they really are means being realistic, not loving some idealized version of them. Children are also amazing. They are creative, loving, constantly learning, make us laugh – there are a ton of great things about children!

Again, I feel loving someone means not pretending they’re something they’re not. I would never say “I love kids but only under the false belief that they are never difficult.” It is normal for kids to cry and act up! And we love ’em anyways! That said, since that is a reality of childhood, it is a reality that I can see a bride taking into consideration for a formal affair.

 

Post # 54
Member
1656 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@Circus Peanut – Very well put.

Post # 55
Member
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Well said, CircusPeanut.

@FrugalBride- I get where you’re coming from with some of the comments. Having a child does not automatically render someone cheap with no sense of etiquette.

That said, I just want to clear something up that I think is being missed here. Please try to understand that it’s not the CHILD that people take issue with- it’s their often unpredictable, erratic, child-ish BEHAVIOR. And by child-ish- I mean, they act like CHILDREN, which is how they’re supposed to act. I get that kids whine, and cry, and yap and yell- that is how they express themselves in situations. I get it. We just don’t want it at our wedding. I would be a completely selfish @ss to think that children are going to be perfectly well-behaved at my adult venue for hours on end. (Which is probably why my parents didn’t take me to weddings when I was little). So to be perfectly clear for everyone who is upset about the “whining, crying” comments- I’m sorry, but THAT is what KIDS do- and it is that BEHAVIOR that some brides and grooms want to avoid at their wedding. The only way to guarantee that this undesired behavior won’t be at the wedding is to not have children there. We’re not against the kids, we’re just against the unconrollable behavior. I don’t understand why people are so offended by this.      

Post # 56
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@Monkeygirl – I completely agree with you. Kids will be kids. And some kids are definitely more well behaved than others. I think that they key in a wedding that involves children lies with the parents. Parents have got to show a little common sense: sit by the aisle near the back if you anticipate having a problem with your child; ring bearers/flower girls should always have someone in charge to take control of them in the event that they’re throwing a tantrum; and parents should recognise that a child isn’t going to want to hang around at a reception for 6 hours, so either make arrangements for someone to take them home early, arrange a babysitter, or call it a night once your child starts to get fussy and go home!

Post # 57
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

The bottom line is-both sides need to be respectful. Brides are allowed to not want children at the wedding, parents are allowed to decline the invite if their kid isn’t invited for whatever reason.That’s all that should happen.  All of these hystronics in between are silly. This is a stupid battle to pick on both ends.

Post # 58
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ok.  So apparently kids will be kids, brides will be brides, there will always be brides who cannot imagine a single child at their wedding, along with brides who cannot imagine their day WITHOUT children….there will always be ill-behaved children, well behaved children, ill behaved brides, well behaved brides, ill behaved fanily, well behaved family….you guys get he idea. 

 

I think we are all forgetting that this is any issue similar to any other wedding decision….personal choice.  The same bride who is choosing NOT to have anyone walk her down the aisle may choose to have 30 kids at her reception…both somewhat outside the traditional but OK!  Each bride has their own vision and that is what should dictate who and what and where and how.  Parents (like myself)  Do have a mama tiger inside who comes out when they feel their child has been insulted, but really, the most people I have heard on here are just trying to avoid bored tired unhappy children at weddings.  How dare they!  Oh wait…no thats a good thing!  as a parent I do strive to keep my child from becoming those things!

 

All in all, every bride should have the day SHE wants.  For some its every single family member they have including teeny tiny cousins, for some its godchildren, for some its adults only.  And whatever SHE wants is what matters.

Post # 59
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

awesome post!!!!!!!!!!!

Post # 60
Member
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I do not equate children with cocktail parties – the kinds of weddings I enjoy go this route, so to see children there doing what children do is unsettling. It doesn’t mean I don’t like children or appreciate their finer qualities.. it’s just that their finer qualities don’t really shine at 10 pm at a wedding reception. 

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