(Closed) Why doesn’t anyone support us?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Rosie,

I think it is really important you do find out why people aren’t supporting you.  Good friends are certain to have thought out reasons that they can articulate, if you ask them about it and aren’t defensive or looking for a fight they will probably share.  Then you can think about it and decide whether their concerns come from ignorance or are valid. 

Time is often great for this, it’s very possible that in another 6 months a lot more of your friends will be on board.  By your wedding… everything might be just fine.

Also think how lucky you are that your families support you!  So many couples don’t have that support and it is so painful.

Post # 4
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m sorry to hear that.  I think you have to remember that others can only view you and your relationship from the outside, so it’s easy to draw conclusions and make generalizations.  Only you and he know what feels right for your relationship.  Don’t worry about what others think!

Post # 5
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee

I think when you make certain choices about your life, you have to live with the consequences. Many people think it’s crazy to move in and get married so quickly. And they will never come around until you’ve been together for years and years. Even if you have the perfect relationship, many of your friends will feel that way. And if you have any relationship issues (financial, emotional, or otherwise), it will only intensify their belief that you are moving too fast. Also, if you’ve made relationship mistakes before, it’s very hard to have much credibility when you say “but THIS time, I know for sure.” 

If for whatever reason, you absolutely have to get married RIGHT NOW and waiting a couple years is not an option, you have to live with the lack of support. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I don’t think your friends are being illogical, and I think you are choosing to marry quickly, so you have to be realistic about the pros and cons of making that choice. 

I think you’re lucky to have the support of your families, so maybe discuss the wedding mostly with them, and try not to talk about it too much with your friends who don’t support you. 

Post # 6
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

As long as your families are supportive that is really all that matters, honestly.  Friends can be finicky, sometimes they don’t get it especially if they are in different positions in their life than you are.  if my memory serves me correctly you’re in your early 20s?  most of your friends may not be ready to settle down, build a house, make a life with someone forever. and perhaps that’s what they mean. a lot of my friends didn’t “get” why M and i were moving in together (and i was 28). we’d only known been dating other for about 5 months when we moved in together. i did what i thought was best and i was definitely right ๐Ÿ˜€ we’re very happy. i agree with the pp in that your friends will come around.  also speaking personally, it’s very hard when your friends start moving forward or in a different direction than usual (it was from my personal experience)…. good luck!

Post # 7
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’d feel the same way if I had a friend like you so I can understand how they feel, although it totally sucks. I’d be worried about my friend making a “bad” decision also (because it’s not how I’d choose to make a decision and I’d project that onto them). I’d be leery and hoping for the best, no matter how “forever” my friend thought it’d feel. I’d be skeptical, it happens! If you go this road, you really have to just deal with this kind of behavior-it’s bound to happen. Work on positively dealing with it, not just getting frustrated and upset. If somebody says somethign to you, you have to be able to deal with it head on. Or, don’t deal with it at all and don’t let it get to you! You come across very defensively. Put yourself in their shoes. Either you’re letting them get to you (and starting to think maybe they are right?) or you’re too concerned with what all your friends think. You’re 22 with a 2 year old and you’ve known your Fiance for 6 whole months. You can’t blame them, but you don’t have to convince them. You just have to live your own life. Look at it this way–they’re concerned for you.

Post # 8
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

@ej: hey, I was 22 with a two year old ๐Ÿ˜€ …. and had a broken engagement all at 22 ๐Ÿ˜€

Post # 9
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m not saying anything mean about it, I’m just saying I’d be worried as a friend…..without knowing Rosie, off the top of my head i’d be wondering ‘why the rush’ and be concerned about the kid knowing him enough/being comfortable (i know 2 year olds are fussy, or maybe just my nephew? lol) or if there was some underlying need for stability/marriage with a kid.

Seriously i don’t mean any of this derogatorily. But, I also know the line between making my friend feel like crap all the time and her just knowing how I feel and me letting her make her own decisions without my 2 cents. I get the impression Rosie’s friends maybe don’t know when to stop. They’ve said their peace, they need to stop beating it on her essentially.

Post # 10
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

totally agree :D… as far as stability goes i think she may be more stable than me at 29, she’s building a house lol!!! we rent a condo :D… but i guess i’ve been there and done that so it’s a different perspective for me.

Post # 11
Member
2288 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I know what you mean. I got very lucky because our families supported our decision to marry. If both of you know that this is right for you, then yes you are choosing to marry quickly, but it’s your decision and it’s the right one for you. Your friends will either come around, or they won’t. If they come around, be there ready with open arms. If they don’t, then it’s their problem.

I had friends who said they didn’t approve of our choosing to marry so quickly (together two months before moving in, together three before getting engaged). Because it was out of character for me, I knew this was coming and I appreciated the concern and was careful to talk to them and meet their concerns one by one. I did this because I loved them and wanted them on board. There was only one “friend” who, after I did this, told me that she couldn’t support me.

The truth is that true friends will be concerned and will tell you that, though they may not approve, they support you.

Post # 12
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think it depends on what exactly your friends who don’t support you are saying. What are their specific concerns? Is it anything more specific than “making a stupid decision” type comments?

I don’t mean for this to sounds too judgy, but moving in with someone after a month of dating when you have a young child is (IMO) impulsive behavior, no matter how great the relationship is. It was impulsive on both your and your FI’s parts, and honestly, it would concern me if a good friend of mine with a young child moved in with someone after weeks of dating them. I’m sure your Fiance is a great guy (or else you wouldn’t be marrying him!), but for a lot of women, that’s a very risky move.

I bet that some of your friends will come around in March, once you buy your home. By then, you will have been together longer, and buying a home is a real commitment. I’m not saying you getting engaged isn’t a real enough commitment, but buying a home is a different, legal, huge financial commitment, different from living together.

It’s good your family supports you – perhaps the friends just need to see that things are as great as you know they are, which may just take time. Good luck Rosie!

Post # 13
Member
3124 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

you know what, i can identify with your friends. I might even say the same thing!  But to be honest, minus the child, my story was a lot like yours (though the formal engagement came years later).  We met in the spring, and started seeing each other right away, and had a summer share together.  After that we moved in together right away.  I am glad I never got any flack for it, as it was very out of character.  But sometimes you just know, and Rosie – you just have to consider all the facts and make your own choices.  Though i do agree with Arachna  – calmly ask your friends about their reservations – either they have something very important they need to say or they’re just nervous for you.  Have an open mind..

Post # 14
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Yeah, I’ve seen some of your previous posts and it sounds like you are facing a lot of opposition about the wedding. It could very well be because you moved in after dating for only a month and are already planning a wedding after 6 months. But it could also be the actual relationship – you said you’re way over the ‘honeymoon’ phase. What do you mean by that? Do you two fight in public ever? Or in front of these friends who aren’t supportive? They may not be able to look beyone the fighting or disagreeing and see a stable relationship after such a short time period.

I think Fiance and I are still in the ‘honeymoon’ period after 2.5 years of dating, but we also don’t have a toddler like you mentioned. It’s not that we never argue, but it’s very rare and we still get giddy and excited and sometimes kiss in public! Our friends have 0 ammo to say we’re making a mistake (unless they’re genuinely jealous of us).

Post # 15
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Honestly, as many posters have said, presented with the same situation with one of my friends, I would also be very worried. In fact, I have a male friend in this situation, and I am worried! When you get married fast AND have a child in the mix, I really worry there is a rush, and the last thing that child needs is a lost father figure. My FI’s parents rushed into marriages and living with other people often, and it was very scarring for him.

That said, there are two things to consider. If people are being jerks about it, such as cutting down your Fiance at every opportunity or being mean to you, screw them. That is unnacceptable. If they are expressing concern in a more reasonable manner, I would honestly consider having a sit down individually with the people who matter and say “Here is your opportunity to say what you think. I promise to think/pray on it. In exchange, I need you to promise to accept my decision, even if you still have doubts. I need you right now, and I want to show you that I take your opinion seriously, but I need you to show me that you take me seriously as well.”

Then do it. Honestly, non-defensively consider what people say. See a counsellor or minister or talk to a family therapist or see a financial planner (whatever the concerns are). Even look into postponing the actual wedding. After that, report back. This may seem unfair, but it really is win-win. Either you two come out stronger and protect your friendships the best that you can, or you make the right changes and also come out well.

I say this after getting rightfully talked to about a problem of my own. I was much more at fault than I imagine you are, so I didn’t deal with the feelings of unfairness you are probably feeling. I can tell you though, it was a good thing. Your friends are hopefully wrong about the engagement, but taking their concerns seriously, if they really have your interests at heart, is worthwhile.

Post # 16
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I know how you feel girl! I was talking to my dad about getting engaged 3 months into mine & the FI’s relationship, but we didn’t get engaged until 8 months in and now we’ve been together for 2 years.

I can see why your friends would be concerned about it, BUT if you know you’re ready & THAT’S who you want to be with…then they need to get over it! Tell them that you respect how they feel & you’re glad they’ve told you…but that you know what you’re doing so BACK OFF. lol ๐Ÿ™‚

I support you girl! Good luck in life’s journey!

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