Why doesn't he propose to me after 10 years?

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
2310 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

If he hasn’t proposed, it’s because he’s not ready to. 

Generally men who want to get married, are eager to get it all going as much as you are.

That said, you really need to ask him. Maybe he thinks he has to get you a certain type or size of ring?, or maybe are there cultural differences? just spit-balling here. Men are not that difficult to understand. If they want something, they will get it done! If they don’t, well, then, they won’t. 

Post # 17
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee

why have you been sitting around passive aggressively upset about him not proposing?

Do not move in with him. Tell him 10years is your breaking point and either we’re going ring shopping and being engaged before September 1st, or it’s time to go our separate ways because the relationship is dead end.

You only have yourself to blame for waiting 10years. Marriage is a partnership, he doesn’t get to decide everything- take control of your life! Don’t wait around for him. Tell him what you want, see if he’s on the same page. After 10yrs he knows if you’re the one or not by now. He’s being selfish by not telling you. And part of this is your fault for not telling him it’s hurting you. Have the conversation.

Post # 18
Member
12831 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
anniehel :  “To be more specific, before one month I told him during our conversation that I cannot understand couples that take so long time in order to get married. He laughed ironically and he said not to worry as I will get married someday.”

What do you mean by “before one month?” A month into your relationship? Or a month ago?  

 

Post # 19
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Does he know you expect a proposal by December? Have you had a direct conversation with him recently? 

Post # 20
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

You sound awfully immature for a 31 year old woman. Instead of being jealous of your friend’s engagement and not wanting to talk to her, have an adult conversation with your boyfriend. And don’t let him answer your questions with vague-talk about surprises and somedays, insist on specific plans & honest answers. If he can’t or won’t give you this, I’d move on. Frankly I wouldn’t have waited this long. 

Post # 22
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Houston

Maybe he feels like why should he propose. You are there the way things are now. I would have a serious talk with him and give yourself a timeline of when the proposal should come. I wouldn’t give him the timeline but I can’t see going another 10 years with the way things are. 

Post # 23
Member
2399 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I would talk to him!! He refers to you as his wife, but you aren’t. If marrying is important to you, tell him you need that before moving in. You have to know what you want, and then take a stand. 

Post # 23
Member
477 posts
Helper bee

Just say you want to get married by 32 and if he’s not willing to deliver that, you cannot wait any longer and that you will leave! So he better be proposing this year. I would do that and if a guy was wasting my time notwithstanding the fact that he knows exactly that I want to get married and still chooses to take his time, I would leave! 

If a man dearly loves the girl and truly wants to settle with with her, he will propose in less than a year (if you are at that age and financially sound). They won’t wait.

My ex talked about marriage etc but never ended up proposing during the 2 years together. Then he went onto marry someone else within 1 year. 

My Darling Husband talked about settling down within 3-4 months, said I was the one he wanted to marry, then bought the ring at 9months, he proposed in 10 months of dating. When a man wants the girl and wants to get married, they move very quickly.

Post # 24
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I feel like we were in similar situations. My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I had been together for about 7 years and had been discussing future plans and timelines for a long time. Well time crept forward and suddenly it was time to get engaged and start wedding planning to keep our timeline on schedule. (He’s a govmt employee and we are planning on getting married before we move next so it’s covered/we can think about going international) I started to get anxious because of impending plans and because the date I had in my mind of when we “should” have been engaged by seemed to be very close and I knew no preperations were being made. So we had a very frank conversation and I may not have gotten the super romantic, completely out of the blue proposal that I had always imagined but it was still a surprise, I knew it was coming but not exactly when/where/how. I’m not a fan of setting ultimatums but if he isn’t ready to commit, maybe you need to reexamine if what you both want for your futures still aligns and make some tough decisions.

Post # 25
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I wouldn’t move in with him until you’re engaged if it’s that important to you. You need to tell him your expectations about where things are going today And make sure he’s on board before you move in.

Post # 26
Member
711 posts
Busy bee

Be direct with him. After ten years, I would assume if he wanted to get married or marry you, he would have proposed by now. If he is unable to agree on a timeline with you, find someone who values commitment and marriage the way you do.

Post # 27
Member
32 posts
Newbee

I had a coworker your age who was dating his girlfriend over 10 years as well. I think they were going on 11 years. 

I always bugged him about when he was going to propose to his girlfriend. He honestly loved her, they had date nights every week and he told me how he still holds open doors for her and doesn’t feel right if he doesn’t. 

But he told me how they were saving for a house right now, how his girlfriend had an advanced degree and works two jobs, how she makes a lot of money and is able to buy herself whatever she wants. He was still finishing up his bachelor’s degree and working part time in a menial retail job. He said how can I afford to give her what she wants working there, when she can buy most things for herself already? I felt sad for him.

I working there only a short time but we added each other to instagram. Finally maybe 8 months later he posted pics from their trip to Paris… where he proposed to her as a surprise in front of the Eiffel tower. 

Maybe there are circumstances preventing him from proposing right now? Only you know how long is “too long” for you. It didn’t bug his girlfriend from what he told me, but that long of a wait would bother me.

Post # 28
Member
236 posts
Helper bee

Ad with all things in life, you have to be willing to walk away from things if they are not producing  results and you are having issue with it. Sounds to me that he’s just comfortable the way things are, so why marry. It’s easy enough for him to laugh things off and make vague remarks when you drop hints, because you accept his replies so he doesn’t need to say or do anything further than pacifying you with these little “hint” remarks. He knows he can get away with it since you just stay with him the way things are. It seems like he’s not ready for further commitment and just keeps the relationship in a very easy place.

In your specific situation, he may never see a need to get married if you move in. I’m never one for ultimatums and pressuring someone in order to manipulate or control. But it is always important to speak your mind honestly and say what you feel in a heart to heart way. It’s how you say it. A lot of times people don’t say how they feel because they are afraid it will rock the boat and they will then lose that person; but the truth is, if that person is so easily lost, then she didn’t really have him in the first place. In life, you have to take that chance. 

It could also be that he has a fear of marriage, deep inside and that is why he is dragging his feet. Or that he fears not being able to support you, or etc. If this is the case, then you both need to have a heartfelt talk and you need to know this.

Now there are cases, like in a new relationship just beginning, where it would not be appropriate to approach the topic of marriage as it’s just way too early and a person needs to see where it is headed. However, in long-term relationships, there are times when the woman is afraid to speak up because she thinks if she “just waits a little longer and gives it more time” it will change without her running the risk of wrecking it prematurely. But as you get older, you realize that all the time in the world isn’t going to change something that wasn’t meant to change. So speak up.

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