Post # 1
Hello Bees, I’ve long been a fan of this site, but this is my first official post – I am very much in need of some honest advice. My wedding is one year away, and me and my fiancé have been together 4 years, living with each other for 3 of those years (he is 41, I’m 33.) He proposed 11 months ago….I’ve noticed a pretty steep decline in our sex life, starting about a year ago. We went from multiple times a week, where he would often initiate and show a desire for it, to now having sex maybe once or twice a month if I’m lucky – and if I’m being honest, those monthly sessions really aren’t that good anymore either – so much time passes that now when we do have sex, it feels akward and strange. If and when we do have sex, it’s only because I initiate it. He never, and I mean never, initiates it anymore or even so much as looks at me in that “wanting” way, even when I take great lengths to keep up my appearance.
Him never initiating it makes me feel unattractive and totally strips away any image I have of myself being sexy. He is otherwise very loving, affectionate as far as hugscuddles, kind to me, thoughtful and considerate – a great catch in every other aspect. Still – all those positives can’t help me from still feeling concerned about heading into a sexless marriage. I’m definitely not happy right now, and spend most of my days feeling incredibly unfulfilled. With the wedding approaching even the thought of it is starting to terrify me – I felt so confident about the choice to marry him before and now I’m so uneasy.
I’ve tried to talk to him about it, numerous times, but he gets defensive and doesn’t seem to hear me. To him, it doesn’t seem like a big deal at all, which just bothers more. Could it be that we’re ultimately not compatible sexually? As I said before, the beginning of our relationship was filled with sex and prior to dating me he was known for being a ladies man, and for being highly sexual with other women. As far as stressors – we have the usual, bills, work, a home under renovation. Though I also want to add that he did experience the death of both his father and brother within the past 2 years. I do try to take those things into consideration, but still, wouldn’t sex be the relief from all of those things? How could he never even want it anymore?
What gives? I’m truly looking forward to some input from this community, is this fixable or a deal-breaker? SOS!
Post # 2
Speaking to you as a nurse, he needs to see his doctor. He could be experiencing a decline in testosterone, have elevated blood pressure, pre diabetic, or prostate problems. He is at that age where things are changing in his health.
Post # 3
If you don’t suspect infidelity, it could be medical. He should have a complete checkup and be honest with his doctor about his libido.
Post # 4
Could he be depressed? I think this is totally fixable!
Post # 5
Does he have some external situation such as financial, job, friend or family issues going on? Is he getting enough sleep? I suspect it has zero to do with you and either an external distraction or like the other ladies said medical/psychological issue. The fact he is still affection is a great thing.
Post # 6
Thank you all for the feedback, I definitely do not suspect infidelity and would be totally shocked if that ended up being the case.
I’ve actually been trying to get him to go to the doctor for a while now for a full workup (he hasn’t gone in years) but he’s extremely stubborn and scared of doctors. I think I’m his mind, it’s better not to know something is wrong with you so he avoids it like the plague – though I will continue to try.
He’s in law enforcement and at times works long hours and alternating shifts which definitely messes with his sleep schedule, I think its a combo of many things but my concern is always his inability to seek help and to care for his body. I should also mention hes a pack a day smoker and has been a smoker for over 20 years… :-/
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess
My husband was started on anti-depressants about a year ago, and experienced a steep decline in his libido. He just had his testosterone checked and it was on the low side. His doctor ordered testosterone injections monthly, and his libido went wayyyy up. It was almost instant.
Your husband definitely needs his levels checked. If he hasn’t had a workup in a while, there are a lot of things that could be causing this. It’s not really all that normal for a man his age. I don’t know if he’s experiencing any erectile dysfunction, but that also could be part of it. Either way, he needs to be seen. I would talk to him, and ask him to go. Tell him how much it means to you for him to be healthy, and how you want to grow old with him. If he refuses to go, I would just make him an appointment, and tell him when it is, and that he’s going.
Post # 8
I agree with PPs, it sounds medical or stress/job related. It could be partially due to his age, and the smoking may or may not impact it as well. I am not in the medical field so I can’t say.
I just mainly want to offer my support, as someone who is going through (and has gone through for a few years) the same thing, except slightly different circumstances.
Post # 9
pack a day smoker…yikes! I would make an appointment for him and tell him he has no choice. And I would make him quit smoking before I married him. But that’s just me.
Post # 10
+1 He needs to have his hormones tested. If his testosterone levels are normal, there is likely a psychological issue.
Law enforcement is a very stressful career and since you mentioned that the decline in frequency started after your engagement, I’m wondering if your fiance is nervous about the commitment he is making. My husband is very stubborn and hates going to the doctor too, but he will go if I insist on it and help him realize that he is visiting the doctor for both of us. I tell my husband that I want him to live for as long as possible, so he needs to have a doctor check him out to make sure that he is healthy.
You should be able to communicate with the man you’re about to marry about sex. Let him know that you are having second thoughts about getting married based on the lack of sex as well as his reluctance to discuss the problem. I couldn’t marry someone that I couldn’t have difficult conversations with and I make no apologies for prioritizing good sex in a relationship. Sex is more important than people care to admit.
Post # 11
Sounds like there could be some underlying health condition that could be affecting his libido. It is important for everybody to have regular health check ups so it is concerning that your fiance does not want to see a doctor, even if there is nothing wrong – health wise. His stubbornness on this matter would be a big deal to me and a condition that would need to be satisfied before I married him (If I were you). I dated someone for 4 years who refused to see a doctor or therapist for their issues and it was an absolute nightmare.
If he is genuinely scared of doctors, then of course you must be supportive and not relentless and pushy, but he does need to go.