(Closed) Why don't more women propose?

posted 7 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
6331 posts
Bee Keeper

I think lots of women still have this dream of a romantic proposal. That seems to be a recurring theme on weddingbee. You might not get an engagement ring if you do the proposing, again a highly desired thing on this site. 

I never thought about proposing because Fiance and I had discussed our future plans prior to the engagement. I wasn’t in any rush, and Fiance didn’t dilly dally, so it was fine. He’s romantically traditional, so I knew he would do it right, and he did!

Post # 3
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

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Bridey77:  We’d set a date and decided to marry before he proposed.  Why didn’t I propose to him?  It’s easy.  He’d grown up thinking about it.  He’d watched his older brothers go through it.  It was a right of passage and something he wanted to do, when the time was right and he was ready.  I wasn’t about to take that away from him.  

Post # 4
Member
2011 posts
Buzzing bee

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Bridey77:  I’m engaged and my Fiance proposed to me but in a very low key setting as well. He was ready to marry me after our second date, and I took MUCH longer (I grew up in a house with a lot of conflict/yelling/unhappily married parents), so you could say he was the one “waiting” on me.

Once I told him I was ready to get married he proposed within about 2 months. This was after 6 years of being together and living together. 

I’m a hardcore feminist, and bisexual, so I’m definitely not attached to standard gender roles in general. However, I believe you can be a hardcore feminist and still believe that there are differences in men and women, generally speaking. That’s not to say there’s no exception the rule (in some ways being Bi is an exception to the rule), but in general, I think some things are more instrinsic to men and some moreso to women. 

I believe that, for straight men, the chase is more important than it is for straight women. In my dating life I would frequently ask out girls on dates, but when it came to guys I let them do the asking. Any time I did ask out a guy, it never ended very well. Usually I think this was due to one of a couple things, either: 

  1. The guy wasn’t that into me, and wouldn’t have asked me out, but since I asked him he went along with it (possibly just for sex, possibly out of a desire to be nice). 
  2. OR, he felt like he didn’t have to try to “get” me and that made him feel unsure of how much he wanted me. I think this happens more with highly “peer oriented” guys. 

This might be a total coincidence, and I accept that, this is just my personal experience. I am sure there are happy couples where the lady made all of the first moves, but I would wager a lot of money that they are not the majority. 

All of this being said, I don’t understand bees who are waiting for years and years. To me, “waiting” means you’ve discussed marriage, agreed on it, and you’re waiting for a symbolic surprise proposal. In general, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, I don’t understand the concept of one party deciding on whether or not a couple gets married.

Bees who say they are “waiting” when they have had multiple conversations with their significant other about marriage, have been together for years, are financially stable, have voiced what they want, and are STILL waiting for a proposal, sometimes for years…to me, that’s not waiting, that’s being with someone who doesn’t want to marry you. 

I think in many ways proposing is a rite of passage for guys, and I think that’s fine! Just because something is socially constructed doesn’t make it a negative thing. 

Just like you could ask, “why don’t guys wear white on the wedding day?” or, “why don’t guys generally plan most of the wedding?” or, “why isn’t the guy’s appearance/fashion the main focus of the wedding?”, you could ask why a woman doesn’t typically propose.

Weddings are, intrinsically, a social construct. And that’s totally ok. If something different works for some people, that’s fantastic, but if a trend appears it’s probably due to general human preference.  

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by swonderful.
Post # 5
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Because its not traditional.  I don’t think its a bad idea, its just not for everybody.  My guy is very traditional about certain things, and he would have never accepted my proposal.  Hell, he probably would have been pissed.  We had this discussion a couple times while I was waiting.  I used to tease him about proposing all of the time, and he said he’d feel like I stole “his moment” (ridiculous. I know). But in his mind, he was in charge of the proposal, and I’m in charge of the wedding. 

Post # 6
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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Bridey77:  I’m not sure but I think partly it may be what Craigslist girl said.  I also thnk after a “timeline talk” or even just hinting, many realize their bf isn’t on the same page, so proposing to him would be futile and embarassing as he wouldn’t marry them at that point.  Thankfully my fiance knew pretty quickly and proposed without prodding. I feel really bad for the waiting bees especially those waiting for years for something that may not ever happen.

Post # 7
Member
743 posts
Busy bee

I absolutely would have proposed,  but he was ready way way way before I was.

Post # 8
Member
564 posts
Busy bee

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Bridey77:  Growing up seeing it in movies, commercials, tv, and then real life, it’s this once in a lifetime (hopefully) magical moment that I feel like most girls desire to have (myself included). I want the engagement ring from him. I want the question from him. I want the effort and the choice to come from him. I also feel like most guys expect to be the one to propose, and I don’t feel any need to take that from him. Girls mature faster than guys and the vast majority of the time are ready for marriage sooner than guys. I don’t want my guy to marry me if he’s not ready or flat doesn’t want to, and so I am not going to put him on the spot with a proposal. I’ll hope that if/when he proposes it means he is ready. 

Post # 9
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

I am personally traditional and was only interested in traditional minded men when dating.  With that said, I never felt like I was waiting because I wouldn’t do that.  Being indispensable helps separate the wheat from the chaff in the dating world.  When I was dating… I was more focused on being the woman I wanted to be so I could find a man that had similar values.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by AngelineRose.
Post # 10
Member
551 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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Bridey77: Because tradition makes me swoon! Literally. The idea of a man asking me to take his name, start a family with him and become one of the most important people in life as his wife, is romance at its best!

My Fiance felt similar. If I would have asked him…he would have felt like I took something away from him. Something that he wanted to do his whole life. Couples do what is best for them and the traditional way was the best way for us.

Post # 11
Member
397 posts
Helper bee

It would depend on the relationship, but in general I wouldn’t want to propose because I would think the reason he hadn’t proposed was because he didn’t want to yet for whatever reason (not ready, genuinely didn’t want to marry me, whatever). I wouldn’t want to propose in that situation and risk a rejection or “forcing” his hand a bit. I would think along these lines because these roles are so engrained that I would assume he’d also think that was something he’d be deciding to do in his own time.

I mean, if I was with a super nonconformist guy who had made it clear that he didn’t buy into the idea that a guy is the one who proposes, then I might consider it.

But, then again, all my dating advice from my mom growing up was “Let him ask you out – if he’s not asking you out, then he’s not interested enough in you to date you” and “Leave your purse at home on the first date so he has to pay for you, as he should if he really values you enough”. So my way of thinking might be a remnant from that and I could be totally behind the times, here. 

Post # 12
Member
1208 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - Hagakyrkan

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Bridey77:  I sort of did ๐Ÿ™‚ it was fun and rewarding ๐Ÿ˜‰ we’re now engaged!! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 13
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly I think its more about the men than the women. I think alot of men would say no because they always envisioned being the one asking. I think they havent quite come round to the idea that the woman might ask them and they (I say this because all my guy friends and my Fiance have said this) would feel wrong or emasculated if their girlfriend asked because its something ‘the guy is supposed to do’. Of course there are still women who dream of the proposal but I think its something that we still havent fully accepted as a society so most women wouldnt dream of asking because of the fear of him saying no (and the fear of explaining the proposal to others who might judge). 

Post # 14
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

To me it is tradition… I just believe what the Bible states. He who finds a wife finds a good thing and I asked my fiancée his thoughts about this. He said he would be pissed if I did but that is king his manhood away. He said just like woman dream about the day they propose… they think about it too but do not openly discuss it. 

Post # 15
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I’m marrying a woman, so one of us was going to have to do it ๐Ÿ˜‰ Ultimately, we both proposed, which I liked – it felt very egalitarian. But I will admit that despite being a diehard feminist, when we started talking about marriage I was very much stuck in my “I will be the one proposed to” holding pattern. I’m not sure how much of that was primarily dating guys in the past and always having that expectation due to gender roles or what. But it super threw me to think about being the one to make that move. She ended up asking first, and I followed. She wasn’t expecting it, which made it all the more awesome imo. She was totally content to be the only one asking, but I felt like we were entering into this thing together and both deserved the same amount of effort/special treatment. 

I think because it’s considered “tradition” for the guy to ask, the proposal becomes the “manly” thing to do and a lot of women end up feeling like it’s somehow emasculating for them to be the one to ask. I also think most people who are in the “waiting” stage have probably had the marriage convo and heard their partner’s not there yet, so proposing wouldn’t necessarily get them what they want. I’m slowly starting to hear about more women proposing to their male partners though, and I think it’s awesome! 

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