(Closed) Why Don't We Make New Friends When We're Older?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I think as we get older we get guarded, more protective of ourselves and we get just plain comfortable in the friends we have now….all of my dear friends I met through college, but one was through a past relationship….but now as I get older I think of when me and the DH have kiddies will we meet new friends as a result of our kids school activities???? don’t know only time will tell…….it’s really hard like you said to make new friends once you get older I feel you sister!

Post # 4
Member
13101 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I don’t think that we don’t make new friends as we get older, we are just more selective.

I can think of a few new friends that my parents (in their 50s) made in the last couple of years.  And I have 2 new friends (husband and wife pair) I made a few months ago.

But I think because we already have a full arsenal of good friends already, someone has to be a really good fit for us and our lives to be added into the circle.  So it still happens, but on a more selective basis. 

Post # 5
Hostess
1427 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with the other Bees…. When we’re younger we have more time; we’re usually single or in a relationship and have a more “social” mentality in college. Everyone lived closeby; most of the activities aka studying/going out for food were all group activities or could be turned into group activities. Now when I’m married; I feel like when I make new couple friends; all four of us have to hit it off. Also being married; juggling in laws and family and maintaining existing friends its just harder to be so spontaneous. Given that time is now a constraint; I think we end up being much more selective with our friends.

Although I have to also state that you never know when you’re going to meet someone that could potentially turn into a great friend – I met two awesome bees here! (Shoutout to Mrs. FT & Mrs. YS!)

Post # 6
Member
10509 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

I agree, we’re just more selective.  Even the elderly in senior’s complexes tend to make new friends!

Some of DH’s better friends are his coworkers.  My parents have always been friends with some of the neighbours.

Post # 7
Member
4373 posts
Honey bee

I think there’s just more time when you’re younger. You have all this free time at schoool, or when you’re in college when you live near each other and you can go eat together or do other activities. Whereas after you’re on your own, you have to work all day and then have a couple of hours to yourself before you have to sleep and get ready for the next day.

Post # 8
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

One thing about the friends you make as a post-school adult is that you haven’t shared a lot of history. If you have a friend from college you may have consoled her when she was hysterically crying over a breakup, gone with her to the clinic during a pregnancy scare, held her hair while she was puking in a toilet after an alcohol fueled party, crashed with her in her single bed in her dorm room, spent countless nights staying up late and BSing, watching cheesy movies, whatever. Go back further and you may know the first boy she kissed, have been there when she got her period, you knew what her family of origin was like and what her bedroom growing up looked like. You have witnessed behavior and phases of life that she herself would love to forget, but you know who she has been, how she’s changed. That’s a very intimate kind of knowledge of someone and it allows for an openness and comfort level throughout life.

When you meet a friend as an adult with a more-or-less settled down life, you don’t have the time or the experiences to share and bond over like that. I love to get together with the girlfriends that I’ve met locally in the last few years (I got lucky and met some great women at work) for dinner and drinks or to go hiking or whatever, but the fact is we will never have that history and intimacy that comes from growing up together (and I include college as part of growing up). So I think in addition to circumstances making it significantly harder to meet people in the first place, it’s also harder to break down the walls and get really close to people.  

Post # 10
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m more selective now. I don’t have a lot of free time for friends as it is, so if I’m going to use those precious free hours hanging out with a friend, it’s going to be a damn good high quality one! 

 

Post # 11
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@MrsWBS:  Exactly!  I moved from my home state a year ago to be with SO and I have found a few good aquaintances and such, but no one I’d consider more than that, or a work friend.  I feel like if I do make new ones it would be through moms groups (when we have kids) or through volunteering, etc.  My mom retired not too long ago and has made a few new friends, so there’s hope for us all yet! lol

Post # 12
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Eglantine:  I think there’s something to seeing each other in multiple settings that changes as we get older too. My college friends and I were always crashing at each others places, and we also had classes together, partied together, etc. My law school friends and I occasionally got lunch or dinner, and went out every once in awhile, but I never had a sleepover with any of them or anything, or went on trips with them, and subsequently I just don’t feel as close to them. 

Mainly though, if I need someone to do something with, I have my FI. Dinner date, shopping date, whatever. I have less of a day to day need for friends, so it’s easy to forget how important they are.

Post # 13
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mija22:  +1

Post # 14
Hostess
11177 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I agree. Not only do you have less opportunities to meet people but your schedule may be so crazy that you have little room to fit someone new in. I have found that the easiest way to make firiends now is through already existing friends and group outings. 

I also have to say that I am much more picky when making friends now. My time is precious and when allotting that time for new people I want to make sure I am investing in something worthwhile. I know when I am clicking with someone so it all about being more self aware.

Post # 15
Member
1038 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Me and my FI REALLY need to make new friends.  Will be a priority after the wedding.  I have awesome friends back in my homestate.  Out here in AZ, not so much.  I have like 2 gfs out here and I barely see them.  I get along with my coworkers but don’t hang out with them much outside of work.  Me and my FI both agree that we need to make some couple friends that we can hang out with.  Hopefully we can get more involved with our church and meet other couples our age.

Post # 16
Member
13101 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@futuremrsk18:  We meet tons of new people through our sports leagues (bowling, tennis, and softball).  Plus there are always friends of friends.

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