(Closed) Why don't YOU propose to HIM?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee

Personally for me, living together before marriage is a must. I don’t think there is a substitute for getting know each other as in depth and growing as close as you do when you live together. For me, I want to get to that stage befpre deciding to marry someone.

As for the proposal, I would propose to my SO, but he has expressed that it’s important to him that he is the one to propose, and I would like to honour that just as he honours a lot of things that are important to me.

That’s just my personal siutuation and view on it. I think it would be awesome if more women started proposing. It would be very exciting to see and I hope that that’s the way the world starts to go.  

Post # 3
Member
8600 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think women can propose, of course, but he just might just say yes to keep the peace and avoid an awkward moment. I only wanted to marry a man who went through the effort to propose to me on his own free will. If he wants to marry you… he’ll propose. Simple as that. I think the tradition actually gives women the upper hand.

I wouldn’t move in with him before we were engaged but I did want to live together leading up to the wedding (15 month engagement). Still time to bail if any unbearable skeletons came out of the closet! Lol. 

Post # 4
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

View original reply
Anonymous1063:  I agree with littlebuzz. My partner and I have been together for almost 5 years and moved in together just over a year ago. We were 23 and 22 when we purchased our home which, for me, if too young to get married. I knew I wanted to be with J, he knew he wanted to be with me – so we bought a house and made it a home together. I’ve got to know J better in the past 12 months than in the 4 years before we lived together. I knew I wanted to be with him before but that is absolutely concrete now that I know what he is like to live with.

With regards to me proposing – J’s views are still quite traditional when it comes to it. He wouldn’t like me to propose. He would feel like that privilege has been taken away from him and I wouldn’t do that.

Some of your words don’t sit well with me – “why do so many of you cling to the idea that the proposal must come from the man?”. I’m not “clinging”. He will propose when he is ready. Why would I ask him to marry me right now, when I’m ready, when I know he isn’t quite there yet? I’m happy to wait until he is. And when he is, he will propose and I will accept.

I don’t think just because some people no longer follow some traditions that we cannot follow any traditions. I will defend living together before getting married, so does that mean I can’t want to be married before I have kids?

Post # 5
Member
32 posts
Newbee

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littlebuzz:  I feel very much the same, it was very important to me to live together before we even discussed marriage. I’ve had very close friends who I thought I knew everything about and then lived with and discovered a whole new side to, I didn’t want that to happen with the man I spend the rest of my life with!

I won’t be proposing to my SO. We have discussed it at length and it is important to him that he be the one to propose, not so its in his control but because it’s one of the occasions he gets to do something truly memorable to surprise me.

I’m in no rush, but consider myself to be waiting as we have discussed it and have a mutually agreed timeline, based around joint milestones such as house, career objectives and family events etc. If that timeline needs to change due to circumstances then so be it, our life together is more important to me than a wedding and being married. Ring or no ring I know neither of us are going anywhere!

Post # 6
Member
1113 posts
Bumble bee

Like PP said, if it’s important to your SO to surprise you, there’s no harm in letting him.  My Fiance and I both talked about marriage (when we want it to happen, my rules in regards to living with boyfriends etc) and said it would happen, and he straight up told me he wanted a little time to save up to buy me a nice ring and plan a little surprise for me.  I guess you could say we agreed to get married and I let him surprise me :P.

TBH, not trying to be rude, but I read a lot of posts on here about waiting bees and I almost wonder if they are afraid to ask because they are afraid it will be apparent to them that they are only waiting because their SO’s don’t want to commit to them now or ever.  It amazes me how many women don’t communicate this very basic and very important issue with their SO’s, seemingly dancing around the issue.  I believe marriage early on can be too much pressure, but I believe after a certain point (most people know this point, it’s a personal thing, but most of us knew that point) I think it’s just not going to happen, or if it does it’s to get the girl to stop asking, so a lot of bee’s might be scared of that reality.

I have no issue with women proposing to men, but I have always seen the “proposal” as an almost insignificant part of my relationship with my SO.  We agreed to marry a while before it happened, and to me that was when we “decided” and it was done.  I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy the proposal (it was sweet), but to me, I really don’t think it is the part of my relationship that defines us the most, or even significantly.  For this reason I don’t think it’s important who asks the formal question, but when the both of you have the conversation.  To me, it’s almost no different than him asking me to be his girlfriend.  One night we were sitting on the couch and I asked if he was seeing anyone else, to which he said no, and then we both agreed neither of us had interest in seeing other people, and that was that.  I don’t really feel like it’s ever been a one sided thing, so the marriage proposal to me is equally significant, given that I HOPE every couple agrees to marriage before it happens.

Post # 7
Member
1182 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
Anonymous1063:  For us, I knew he wanted to do the proposing. That didn’t stop me from hatching a plan that I would propose to him if he didn’t propose to me by our 12th anniversary. Luckily for me, I didn’t have too since he proposed to me after 11.5 years. 

Post # 8
Member
705 posts
Busy bee

Honestly? I want the proposal and the ring and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I am not very traditional on most things, and I don’t want a big white wedding. But this I wanted. Luckily I have a SO who has really taken to the idea of him proposing. We have discussed engagement and marriage and we both want it. So I am just waiting for him to choose when. It’s exciting!

The only thing we differ on is that he would rather wait until we are living together (after the new year) whereas  I would rather be engaged beforehand (I feel that this shows commitment to us, whereas you can live together without the commitment). He said he will think about what I said but I suspect he will wait until we have made the move. I accept that. 

All that being said, I see nothing wrong with proposing to a guy!

Post # 9
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I proposed to my significant other! I’m in total agreement with you on this. Why abide by traditional gender roles?

Post # 10
Member
3053 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
littlebuzz:  I feel the same regarding living together. No way would I marry someone who I wasn’t 100% certain I could live with. I’d propose to my SO, however, HE wants to be traditional and propose to ME, so I will let him…

Post # 11
Member
2451 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
Anonymous1063:  From what I have read of most of the waiting posts, the reason women won’t propose is that 1) the answer will obviously be “not now” and 2) the men have already said that they want to be the one to propose. But for what it is worth, I think the Weddingbee community is more “traditional” than much of the world and outside there boards, women might be proposing frequently.

Post # 12
Member
1354 posts
Bumble bee

I am of the mindset that agreeing to get married = engaged, not fancy ring, elaborate question and other traditional expectations. In a way, I did propose to my husband because he was ready to get married way before I was, so I let him know when I was ready to make that committment. He did want to do a little something special to give me my ring, but I considered myself engaged before that.

Post # 13
Member
242 posts
Helper bee

I agree with you OP re there being value to not living together until marriage.  I used to think that’s what I wanted, but I think that was more related to the fact that my ex refused to even discuss marriage unless I moved in with him.  So I told myself maybe that made sense, when deep down I felt very insecure and dissatisfied about it.

I used to also believe in the whole you-have-to-know-what-theyre-like-to-live-with-first thing, but now I don’t.  Again, my beliefs were closely tied to what my ex was insiting upon.  Personally I don’t know many women who moved in with a guy with the hopes of a proposal, and ended up breaking it off due to her realising they weren’t really compatible.  More often it seems that if they bust up, it’s re lack of proposal.

Post # 14
Member
2794 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
Anonymous1063: Things such as living together, having sex before marriage, etc. are “traditions” that both parties agree to break together. The woman and the man agree that they will cohabitate or they decide, together, to have sex. In most cases, I would bet the man would not agree to give up his “role” as the proposer. I know that my husband would have been really upset if I proposed to him because that is something he has known he would do for his whole life. He wanted to do it when he felt the time was right and it would have been selfish of me to take that away from him and basically force him in to a position where he agrees to marry me or the relationship is probably doomed (how many relationships recover from a “no” to a proposal?) So if a couple has a discussion and decide/agree together that it’s okay if either party proposes, then I think it’s fine for the woman to do so. 

Additionally, I would think you’d find that most women are ready for engagement before men. So it makes sense that she should do the “waiting” while the other half of the relationship gets ready as well. 

Post # 15
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee

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Anonymous1063:  I think it depends on the guy in the relationship. My husband and I talked about marriage a lot before we got engaged, we knew it was going to happen. One day we were watching The Office (not sure if you’ve watched it) but Holly proposes to Michael, meanwhile Michael was planning a proposal to her. My husband turned to me and said “Don’t ever do that! I will say no!”. 

For some guys, this is their thing. The proposal is the one thing they have. Everything else to do with the wedding is usually decided upon together. My husband didn’t want me to take that away from him. 

I disagree with PP who say that agreeing to be married = engaged. With that mindset, a 12 year old could be engaged if she and her ‘boyfriend’ agree to marry someday. I think that planning a wedding = engaged, and this can happen with or without the grand proposal.

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