Post # 1
So a lot of times people seem to equate etiquette with having “manners” and in most cases some of it is common sense things and the polite way to handle yourself. However some etiquette is outdated in my opinion and it just doesn’t always make sense to me, while some things that are considered good etiquette I find it to actually be rude, and others inconvenient and bothersome for the guest. I plan on following some, others I am like oh please, and I plan on ignoring it. My feeling is follow certain rules of etiquettee aren’t always the most polite way to handle things. I think for me I will do what is easiest and in the best interest of my guest, rather then following things I think are antiquated and arbitrary and subjective. Here some examples of certain things I mean:
1.Mother of the Groom should not outshine Mother of the bride. MOG must wait for MOB to choose her dress first before buying hers. This one I find outdated and rude. It probably used to make sense more when the most of the time the Brides Parents paid for and hosted the wedding, even then I think it is rude. I do think people should talk and coordinate since they are going to be in pictures together, and you don’t want them to clash with the wedding party. However this isn’t America’s next top model or a fashion face off! It also doesn’t make sense. For example one of my Sister in Laws Mother is 22years older then my Mom. My mom wore a formal ballgown for the wedding, Sil mom wore a pants suit with a sparkly sheer top to dress it up, and comfortable shoes. Why should my mom wear something less formal because MOB had to wear something more comfotable? When clearly their difference in age and style means that she was more dressed up then Sil mom and not trying to upstage her or outshine her. I think its rude to treat anyone and especially your FMIL like that.
2. Not supposed to Include Registry Cards in Invitations. This is hotly debated topic on the bee. unless it’s a rude blatant gift grab, I won’t hold it against anyone who chooses to do this. I do think again this might make it harder for the guest. The suggestion is if people want to know if you are registered they will call your parents and ask. Most people move a lot more then they used too, so now it’s normal to have close friends who do know or haven’t met family. So in some cases it would be very inconvenient for them and depending on how internet savvy your folks are, hard for them to find information and track them down. We aren’t registering and are deciding if we should ask people to give to a charity or find a cute way to say no gifts, I honestly would have no issues throwing it in there, or mailing the card separately, either way it would be coming by mail. My mom still works and she would be annoyed if people were calling her all day over this wedding.
3.Hand Writing Envelopes. this one I find to be arbitrary. I honestly cannot remember f someone sent me one that wasn’t handwritten. Some people have the time I don’t, I hired a calligrapher simply because I like the look. Honestly this is one of the ones were I don’t care if guest would be offended because truly it’s handwriting on an envelope it effects them in no way, and they are just going to rip it open and chuck it anyways. For people with huge weddings it just more practical to do it that way.Plus there are some really nice fonts and things that can used that would be more cost effective for someone who can’t afford to hire a calligrapher and simply didn’t have the time to hand write all of them.
These are just a few examples my whole point is I want to make my family/guest feel welcomed, make things go as smoothly as possible for them, and in my view that doesn’t always mean following etiquette. I don’t believe that etiquette always equals good manners.
Post # 3
#1 is very rude and hurtful! I would never allow that. It’s horrible that people ever did that.
I’m indifferent to #2 as I opted for no registry since Fiance and I don’t need or want anything. We have gotten a few gifts already. When we had our baby no one gave a crap about our baby registry but my mom, why would they care about a wedding registry? #3 is just stupid. Rich people aren’t the only ones with weddings these days an not everyone can afford a calligrapher and some people just don’t want to waste the money on something that will get tossed in the trash (or hopefully recycling bin!!!). I was lucky enough that calligraphy is a hidden talent of mine.
Post # 4
@TwoCityBride: I agree with some aspects. I know I didn’t know wedding etiquette until planning our wedding.
I would have never told my awesome Mother-In-Law and SMIL to wait for my mother to buy a dress. I told them the wedding colors, allowed them to wear any color they wanted, and trusted their judgement.
I know around here people ask a lot about registry. I tried to do the ‘correct’ thing and include it on our wedding website. Yeah, older family members had no clue how to use the internet. Word of mouth is ok, but it is more convient to place a card in the invite, as long as it doesn’t read “we prefer money” as one invitie I received it.
Lastly, the bridal shower. I see nothing wrong with a family member hosting it. Proper etiquette says it makes the shower look like a “gift grab”. Most showers I’ve been to were hosted by the sister, cousin, or mother of the bride. We still had a great time.
Post # 5
It’s really nice to read some of my own opinions posted by another Bee! I agree that proposed “etiquette” and having “good manners” don’t always go hand in hand. Last I checked, most of the standard wedding etiquette directives are outdated by a significant number of years. Sometimes, I find myself reading threads and I feel horrible about the way some Bees respond to people seeking advice about etiquette. “Don’t you dare use labels on wedding invitations” or the like…these days, I really think that these outdated principals need to be revamped and made more accessible and modern! Some are just plain common sense, but others, like the ones you highlighted are pretty silly.
PS: My sister is hosting my bridal shower and as she is also my Maid/Matron of Honor, I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with that.
Post # 6
Those are one of the “rules” I didn’t learn until the bee. I do know sometimes it will be hosted by an aunt instead of the mother, but most of the weddings I have been in it has been cohosted with a Mom, Fmil, or sisters with no issues from anyone.
Post # 7
@TwoCityBride: Ditto – without the Bee, I never would have known the shower rule. It’s archaic, IMO!
Post # 8
Haha I know, the whole MOB/MOG dress thing is ridiculous! My whole feeling about wedsing etiquette is that it’s important for some families and people in some circles to follow to a T, but it’s up to the couple to decide what will work best for their occasion.
I do have a strong opinion on registry cards/registry info – I don’t think they’re appropriate for an invitation. I know that people have wildly varying opinions on how guests should gift, but I personally would never imply that a gift is required or expected of an attendee.
Post # 9
I mostly love reading Crane’s Blue Book, but I find their stance on response cards pretty antiquated. According to Crane’s, proper invitations should not be sent with a response card; if, however, you believe some guests have poor breeding and wouldn’t know what to do without one (reply on their own personal fine stationary) it is correct to sink to their level and include a card for their convenience (but no polite guest would use it). They acknowledge that it’s convention to include response cards now…but are a bit prickly about it. I am (obviously) including the response cards. And putting an entree choice on them (another big no-no for Crane’s)!
Post # 10
@bythebook: That had me laugh out loud…reply on my own personal fine stationary?? The only fine stationary we own is post-it notes with my FI’s name on them (and those were a gag gift from a few Christmas’s ago!) Haha, could you imagine getting a response on a post-it? 🙂
Post # 11
@Ellegee: Agree with you on the invitations. To me, that IS gift grabby. It’s implying that you need to bring a gift.
It was important to both mothers that they didn’t wear the same color. Future Mother-In-Law defaulted to my mother and said “please pick out your dress first.” She thought it was important that my mom got first pick. I don’t see a problem with having the MOB make the first dress choice. The upstaging thing is a bit ridiculous…how could one upstage the other? One thing I would NEVER EVER EVER IN A BILLION YEARS do? Ask Future Mother-In-Law to wear BEIGE. Talk about a slap in the face!
Couldn’t care less about hand written versus others. That’s a very personal choice!
Post # 13
Agree with all of these — I think some of the etiquette issues are definitely followed primarily among certain social circles and that is great if you are in those circles….but if you are not, it may seem just as rude to guests in other social circles if you were to follow them! I would guess none of our guests has EVER received an invitation without registry information. Maybe it is social class, or regional, or something else, but that is the standard normal practice. I’m not sure why it is so controversial that practices can be acceptable among one group and not another….I am generally shocked and amused by the heatedness of the debates on this issue 🙂
And the MOB/MOG dresses….yeah, never heard of that til the bee, but I can imagine the reaction I got if I suggested that is the way it is supposed to be done to both ladies who picked out there own dresses with no input whatsoever from me!
I agree with the general sentiment about manners not equal to “etiquette”….just had to add my 2 cents 🙂
Post # 14
Alot of them are really silly. My Mother-In-Law bought her dress before my mother, because my mother has low self-esteem and hates dress shopping. My Mother-In-Law also put alot of money towards the wedding, I made sure she was definitely as much as part of the wedding as my mother.
The registry thing….where I did not include the extra card (cutting costs on invitations), I really do not see the problem with putting that in there. I and nobody I know has ever made a big stink about this extra card. Ever. Gift Grabby to me is posting your registry on facebook.
Post # 15
To be honest I didn’t know any of these rules before finding the Bee, I don’t know if it is a regional thing (because I am in the UK) or just because I haven’t been to a lot of weddings. I think it all comes down to the opinions of your social group, and those opinions decide what is rude or tacky and what is not.
As a side note, I’m ignoring most of the ‘etiquette’ rules as I just think they serve no purpose other than to make life difficult for the people organising the wedding (i.e. me), but then again I don’t plan to register anywhere, my father taught me calligraphy at a youngish age so I’m comfortable doing it myself and I don’t think my mother could give a stuff about being ‘out shone’ at her own wedding, let alone mine.
ETA: I only think people look gift grabby if they insist that people so bring a gift, rather then leaving it up to the guests. Saying “please bring a cash gift or a gift from this registry” appears grabby to me, but saying “gifts are not expected, but if you would like to bring a present there are many options available from our registry at wherever.” doesn’t, whether it is on the invitation or a website or wherever.
Post # 16
I think at this point my feeling on the registry card is that I don’t mind if a separate card is included with the invitation, as long as the registry isn’t printed on the invitation itself! Only because I always always put invitations on the refrigerator because I think they’re pretty, and I hate being reminded about the daggone gift registry every time I see the invite. Yes, I know I have to get you a gift. Sheesh, quit bringing it up all the time, invitation! 😉
I’m getting a little edgy on the etiquette with my wedding website. The pictures accompanying each event on the itinerary are ridiculous and hilarious, and for the wedding dress code I put “If you wear a tuxedo or a long formal gown, you will probably feel like an idiot. If you wear jeans, you will definitely feel like an idiot.” I figure, Grandma won’t be on the wedding website, and anyone else will think that’s both funny and helpful!