(Closed) Why Getting Married Means You Might Lose Some Friends

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@MrsBlueSeptember: 

I’ve thought a lot about that, and it may be true for me as I’m the last to get “married” so I may have my friends still. While I’m not speaking or seeing my closest (best) friends every single day, we’ve been through a lot of life changes. My closest friends all have kids/ married or both (mostly have kids only). While they may be m.i.a due to kids, I was m.i.a due to school and career choices. Hopefully as I stuck by them with having kids or getting married they’ll do the same with me as now I’m focusing on that aspect of my life. My closest friends I’ve known anywhere from 20 to 14 years. I have thought about it though and hope there still in my life. 

What did you think about the article? Now that I think of it, I know when my best friend was the first to have a child a lot of her other friends fell off the face of the earth but I still stuck by her as much as I could. I even let her live with me for awhile and I’m not a fan of kids. So I think the article is true.    

Post # 4
Member
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I definitely agree! Since I’m so young, most of my friends aren’t married yet so we have grown apart. We grew apart even when Darling Husband and I moved in together but it’s gotten worse since the wedding. I think the most I’ve talked to some of my non-married/single friends is them asking me how married life was. 

And if they aren’t single, just in long term relationships, they tend to be jealous that Darling Husband proposed and then married me. This is especially true for one girl who was my very best friend. Since Darling Husband proposed, she would immediately end our conversation as soon as his name was brought up. It could be as simple as a long text conversation ending like this:

Her: “so what are you up to?!”

Me: “Oh, not much. (DH) and I are going grocery shopping. You?”

*nothing*

And since we got married, she’s completely ignored that he exists. She hasn’t congratulated me, looked at my wedding pics, asked how he was doing, nothing. 

Kind of off topic, Darling Husband had an amethyst we mined together on our honeymoon made into a ring for me and I mentioned it to her and she didn’t say anything other than “oh, well it’ll chip. Mine did when my mom got me one that was topaz” (Everyone else had been saying “Oh, that’s so cool ya’ll did that!” or “That’s gotta be really special to you!” etc)

I’m not 100% positive its jealousy but her SO proposed 3 years ago and refused to plan a wedding and she’s broken off the engagement at least 8 times so it always seems like she gets upset when people get married so based on her actions/words, it just seems like she is. 

Post # 5
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@MrsBlueSeptember:  I just read this article the other day. Its really odd but very insightful. 

Post # 6
Hostess
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I just read the article and I don’t know… She says that she owns that she wasn’t there for her friend as much as she was pre-wedding, but she also makes it out like her BFF was being a drama queen with totally unrealistic expectations. We’ll never know. 

I can honestly say that I have not “lost” any friends from getting married. I do, however, maintain a fairly small, very close group of friends that I have had for a very long time. I live out of the country, and I think moving abroad weeded out my friends quite a bit in my early twenties. 

My friends accept my husband, and he loves them. The thing is, it DOES take effort and once you are married you DO have to decide how you spend your time. I make a point to stay in touch with my friends, check in (at least via email if not a phone call here and there but truthfully the time difference is very hard) and ask about them. When one of them has a landmark day like a wedding or a phd or something – you better believe I’d do everything in my power to be there with bells on. I love them and they are like sisters to me. 

I think that frienships do change as we get married, have children, etc. Both sides of the friendship have to grow together, along with expectations we keep for one another. We’ve all met those married ladies or mommies that somehow think their changing status has made them the centre of the universe, everyone should do everything according to her schedule, and she shouldn’t “have” to continue to invest in her friends as much as she used to. No one likes “that girl” so don’t be her. 

I don’t know.. maybe that’s just my experience though.

Post # 7
Member
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Wish i had read this before i picked my bridesmaids. Two of my four bms will not be in my life after the weddding. They pretty much arent now.

Post # 8
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry, the author of that article sounds like a self-absorbed twit. “Oh poor me, I am too busy putting away my wedding gifts to have coffee with my best friend.” Seriously, lady?

I can understand that if you didn’t live together before marriage, it would be a huge transition, and you WOULD suddenly have less time to spend with your friends. But Darling Husband and I lived together for years before our wedding, and being married didn’t change the amount of time I had to spend with the people who were close to me.

Post # 9
Member
8362 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think it is sad that the writer and her friends have such relationships with friends that life changes can end them. I think it is absurd- do you lose your relationship with your single sister just because you get married? Why would it be any different with a friend? I think they miss the point of friendship- it is not about the amount of time you spend with a person it is about the quality of that time and your bond.

And the fact that she feels that she cant have a best friend anymore and that her partner automatically has to fulfil that role is kind of sad. If you are in a marraige that doesn’t allow you to have outside interests and friends then you will most likely end up in divorce unless you are both hermits or have never enjoyed being social!

I also don’t buy her devestation at her break with her friend- if she was devestated she would have made more of an effort. By her thinking we probably shouldn’t include our parents, aunts/uncles and grandparents in our wedding photos either. I mean one day they will die and who wants that constant reminder everytime you look at your super special wedding photos. Honestly the writer isn’t the type of person I would choose as a friend! 

Like @Mrs.LemonDrop: said you have to make the effort to work and keep friendships just the same as you have to work at any relationship.

Post # 10
Member
6248 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

Several years ago I realized that in order to keep old friendships I need to keep asking them to hang out, I need to keep planning things for us to do, I need to keep communication going. Because otherwise everyone is going to go their separate ways. Is it fair? No. But that’s adulthood. They might feel the same way.

It’s not as easy as it was in high school and college. Now we all have full-time jobs and don’t see each other every day like we did when we were in school.

I chose my circle of girlfriends and two of my cousins. My friends are the same friends from high school. It took some adjustment to realize that the dynamic of the relationships change when we “grow up” but we got through it so I’m not too worried about losing these friends after the wedding.

Post # 11
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

WOW.

I feel EXACTLY like the woman in the article…I’m overwhelmed, exhausted, and I feel like I’m getting sick. My personal life is a mess, I have so much work to catch up on, I’m struggling to make it through the week, and my house is a disaster. I thought after the wedding I would feel relieved, with a little more free time to take care of other things. Not so much.

I know my friends want to see me right now, but I just cant do it. I am literally buried under a pile of post-wedding fallout. I hope I dont loose friends over this and I hope people dont get mad at me or not want to be friends anymore, but I am just in a self-centered spot right now, LOL. I can totally understand and see how what happened in the article can happen post-wedding.

However…the friend in the article sounds a little cray cray. Who just..up and leaves after dumping a friend?

Post # 12
Member
3772 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

And that was the exact moment when one of my best friends decided to get needy. Then again, maybe I was being a self-absorbed, crappy friend. I had a lot going on and I’ll own that I wasn’t around for her as much I had been pre-wedding. But I also had some really good excuses for it. The more pressure she applied, the more I pulled away from her. Before too long, I found myself avoiding one of my best friends”

UGH that sounds like my life right now.

“By Christmas, she sent me what can only be considered a “break up” email. She told me that I was a lousy friend and she wanted her stuff back (shaking my head).” 

I’m not even married yet and already got a ‘break up’ phone call. Thanks for the article OP!

Post # 14
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think there is some truth to this article but I agree with BayStateBride. Maintaining friendships is work. 

Sometimes that means I’m folding laundry while girlfriends are over visiting.  Sometimes that means I drag my laptop along to our weekly hang out so I can wrap up a work project while visiting.  Sometimes I don’t make it due to family obligations so I send out an email to check in and hear their latest news.

While I love my Darling Husband, he will never be the one who picks apart the latest episode of 16 and pregnant with me, the one who swaps recipes with me or commiserates with me about my flabby or wrinkly parts. 

I am confident that if I lose touch with my girls it won’t be from a lack of trying on my part!!

Post # 15
Member
9674 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I really didn’t like that article.  I didn’t like the tone of it and didn’t understand her lack of compassion for her friend.  Some friend she is.  I’d never in a million years treat my best friend so coldly regardless of being married or not.  I hope this opens her husband’s eyes to her true character since she’s calling him her best friend now.  He’d better look out if that’s how she treats her friends.

Post # 16
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Okay, so I’m not married so I can’t be sure I’m totally correct here, but I can see this being more true if you hadn’t lived with your Darling Husband before marriage. Living together does change a lot, and plans do have to be switched around. But most of my friends are couple friends. It wasn’t just because we live together that we now mostly have couple friends, it’s just how it all happened. When I invite my friend over, I’m not just inviting her, I’m inviting THEM over. Our single friends even understand that we come as a packaged deal now, but that if he wants to have a guy time then he goes and has one. If I need to go to the mall with my BFF (and not her SO), the guys totally okay with that. Friendships take work. If you really want them to work, they will.

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