(Closed) Why has he still not proposed and watches porn? Need your advice :(

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What are your views on your OH watching porn?
    Fine by me, all men do it : (162 votes)
    56 %
    Wouldn't accept it at all : (75 votes)
    26 %
    Don't like it, but appreciate it's what men do : (52 votes)
    18 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    7293 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @lovestoned_x:  You just gave yoruself 5 wonderful reasons why you should leave him.

    Is this what you want for a lifetime of marriage and commitment? At the very least I’d step back a bit and take a break & Re-evaluate things…

    Sorry this is happening, I’m wishing you the best! Keep us updated!

    Post # 5
    Member
    485 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Really, you would STAY with someone because of what his family would say?  I would think long and hard about that being the criteria for which you vow to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t treat you the way you feel you deserve.

    I’m not sure I would proceed with this relationship – just given the facts as you wrote them.  Have you ever been to see a counselor?  Perhaps some therpay would help you clear your head and figure out why you are willing to stay in a relationship with someone who finds fault with you.

    Post # 6
    Member
    7293 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @lovestoned_x:  Don’t worry about them, you need to put yourself first! It sounds like you already bend over backwards, only to be treated poorly.

    Post # 7
    Member
    4442 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

    Wait, I’m confused on the status of your relationship — he hasn’t proposed, yet a ring is designed and made and his family is aware of this.  Are you guys engaged?  Or at least do you consider yourselves to be engaged?

    Is he thinking you’re responsible for cleaning his home even though you two don’t live together?

    I have two thoughts off the bat from reading this thread:

    1. Maybe he’s waiting for a less busy time with work to propose -OR-

    2. Maybe you two just arent’ that good of a fit.  Depending on what stage of life your both in age differences can matter very little or very much.  Or he’s feeling the proposal pressure from you and his family and balking it.  I don’t know, doesn’t sound good IMO.

    Post # 8
    Member
    55 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    First, you are pressuring him to get engaged.  If a guy has a ring, wait patiently for it.  He won’t want to give it to you if you are badgering him.

    Second, it doesn’t sound like this guy is worth your time.  Anyone who makes you feel like you are less than you are isn’t worth it.  Although you need to figure out if it’s the porn that makes you feel bad, or if it’s his actions toward you.  Porn is just a fantasy, something to look at.  Men have less of an imagination and need “visual” stimulation. 

    Third, talk to him about it.  If he’s making you feel bad about yourself, straight out ask him, “is that comment directed at me?”  If he’s 9 years older than you, I’m sure HE has some things that aren’t so great.  Bit of a beer gut?  Graying hair?  Wrinkles?

    Post # 9
    Member
    1755 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @lovestoned_x:  He sounds highly manipulative and like he’s constantly attacking your self-esteem.  I’d take a week a week without seeing him and see how you feel.  I think you deserve someone who will treat you better and appreciate your body the way it is.  Deep down I think you feel that way too, but need a break from him to admit this to yourself.

    Post # 10
    Member
    5428 posts
    Bee Keeper

    He is not worth it… go and find someone who actually LOVES you.

    Post # 11
    Member
    4442 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

    @Cappugcino:  +1

    Post # 12
    Member
    429 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I think the porn is the least of your problems in this situation. 

    What you’ve presented is the picture of man who belittles, insults and infantilizes you.

    I got an icky feeling just reading about how he makes you clean, tells you your cooking isn’t good enough, asks you to make body modifications and won’t defend you around his female school friends. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    915 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    The poll questions don’t really cover it, but his porn watching is clearly not your biggest problem here. You need to reevaluate whether or not this is a relationship you want to be in. What he wants is secondary. What do YOU want?

    Post # 14
    Member
    2288 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: Central Park

    All men watch porn and those that deny it are lying. I don’t think porn is the issue here, your SO is being inconsiderate and sometimes downright mean to you. Little passive aggressive comments are how verbal abuse starts. I would end the relationship or at least take a few weeks apart to reflect.

    Post # 15
    Member
    2420 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    As a girl whose ex constantly dragged me through the dirt about my weight all I have to say is this. Please think strongly about leaving. If I could go back and change anything, I would have left a lot sooner than I did. Battling an eating disorder is an everyday battle and is not worth the “love” of this guy. It literally sounds like you bend over backwards and he is not happy. Believe me, it isn’t going to get any better. Take some time and really think about what you want out of life and if you really are truly happy being with this guy. Forever is a long time to have to deal with this.

    Post # 16
    Member
    980 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    I agree, the porn is not the issue here. My SO watches porn, I watch porn, we have a great sex life and live together, but I think it’s also healthy to explore sexuality and what feels good on your own.  I understand not everyone feels the same way but whether or not your SO watches porn isn’t the biggest issue here. The issue is that he doesn’t seem to value you.  I would tell him about the changes you’ve been noticing about the way the two of you interact. Tell him how it makes you feel. I know that I’ve definitely gone through periods with my SO when one of us was being oblivious to the way we were making the other feel because we were too busy thinking about work/parenting, etc. It may open up the conversation and you guys can tackle any issues he’s working through. If he flips it back on you and gets unreasonably defensive, shirks responsibility or somehow makes it your fault, I’d take a giant step back. He wrote in that e-mail that he hasn’t made it past a certain point in a relationship and it sounds like he’s pushing you away because he’s still struggling. If he’s showing you what kind of a partner he will be in the longterm, I would believe him. Do you want to be in a relationship with your partner as he is? Remember that there is no guarantee that this is just a phase. While I don’t think you should break it off with him without talking to him first, I think that you should figure out what your next step is either way. Maybe that means supporting him through counselling and maybe that means walking away from someone who in incapable of giving you what you deserve at the moment. Remember that this is your life and time is too precious to spend it on someone who is giving you less than what you need and want.

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