(Closed) Why has he still not proposed and watches porn? Need your advice :(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What are your views on your OH watching porn?

    Fine by me, all men do it

    Wouldn't accept it at all

    Don't like it, but appreciate it's what men do

  • Post # 62
    Member
    307 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    Sometime you can get so caught up in the thrill of being engaged – having someone actually want to commit their life to you, never being alone again, etc – and having a wedding that you forget the actual marriage – that your very existence is going to be heaven or hell based on the quality of your relationship.

    This relationship does not a heaven make. This man seems to be checking out. Whatever is going on in his head, he doesn’t seem to be honoring you or your relationship.

    Porn is just one of your problems. Feeling unwanted is another one. Feeling unvalued is another one. Feeling like your relationship is one-sided is another one. You have too many problems to be so focused on gettting a ring.

    Listen to the other Bees. A bad marriage IS something I would wish on my worst enemies.

    Post # 63
    Member
    12 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    @lovestoned_x:  you have an army of ladies standing behind you saying you can (and should) find someone that deserves you. The thought of leaving has to be scary but…really in my opinion you should run and never look back. (Hugs)

    Post # 64
    Member
    313 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @MrsDocHorrorShow:  Thank you!  There are a LOT of studies about the harmful effects of porn on men’s attitudes towards women and how it conditions them.  Not to mention what we know about women who work in the porn industry: how badly the industry treats them and the fact that many of them have sexual abuse histories.  Furthermore, you have no idea if the porn you are watching was actually consentual–look at “Deep Throat,” which Linda Lovelace claims she was forced into.

    I’m not saying a woman should break up with a guy because he watches porn, but she is perfectly justified in not liking that he watches it. 

    As for the OP, this guy sounds like a creep. Making you feel like a “slut” in the bedroom and coercing you to do sexual things that clearly make you uncomfortable is NEVER okay.  The  fact that he treats you like a child in all other respects makes it even worse.

    Post # 65
    Member
    286 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @zerlina:  +1

    I know Fi watches it, we share a comp. I mock him for it. 😉 But I do really hate it. 

    Post # 66
    Member
    608 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    uhh… wait… WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM? Don’t settle! This guy sounds like a louse! I’m trying really hard not to call him a much worse thing… lol

    We all have our vices… I’d NEVER be with a guy who even has strong urges to look at porn if he’s in a “happy” relationship with me… My fiance doesn’t, and he doesn’t even want to. He completely lost interest in it and stopped watching it when we met, which I learned about like a month or so later. I knew I had a special person at that point. lol It’s NOT all guys, (my ex also hated it. He had a bit of a problem, but he still genuinely hated it) and if you’re uncomfortable with it, find a guy who is at least willing to not use it to respect your wishes. Would he like it if you watched hot guys stripping and jacking off all the time, and got yourself off to that? Probably not. 

    Plus, it doesn’t even sound like you trust him…. It sounds like you’re checking his draft emails, his internet history, etc. But it sounds like – by that email draft – that he has intentions to break up with you anyway. Dump him first! He’s a loser! Normally I try to be objective, but he just sounds like he just sucks. Nobody should treat someone else like that in a relationship. If he’s unhappy, he should just break up with you and move on. If not, he needs to treat you better. 

    My vote is to lose him. You can get someone much, much better. 

    Post # 67
    Member
    180 posts
    Blushing bee

    @zerlina:  Thank YOU. A lot of people were arguing with me in another thread about porn. It’s such a complex subject. I hate when it’s framed as “You don’t like porn – you’re a prude. Porn is sexually liberating.” Like you said, totally varies, and you’re sort of playing russian roulette in that you don’t know if the girl on your screen is some trafficked  Eastern European girl or something.

    Post # 68
    Member
    125 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I agree with everyone else that porn is not the issue and that this guy is a dick.

     

    One question though. This quote totally confuses me “the sex. I am willing to satisfy him in any way, yet, as I said before, it feels as though that’s all he wants now when he comes to see me. I’m a highly sexual person, but it feels as though I’m the only one initiating it.”

    How can you tell if sex is all that he wants when you’re the one who is initiating it? Maybe if you don’t initiate sex he’d be fine watching a movie or talking about your day. I don’t really understand offering a guy sex (i.e initiating) and then being mad that he always takes it.

     

    That aside this guy seems like a jerk in a bunch of other ways and you’re better off without him.

     

    Post # 69
    Member
    2080 posts
    Buzzing bee

    This guy is waving lots of red flags — including that he is “too busy” to see you during the week?

     

    Unless you are long distance, it’s not a healthy sign when a guy puts you into the “weekend sleepover buddy” compartment.

    He’s not including you in his life. Run girl, run! Life is short and there are so many other fish in the sea! Don’t put up with this B.S.

    Post # 70
    Member
    84 posts
    Worker bee

     double post 🙁

    Post # 71
    Member
    84 posts
    Worker bee

    Im going give you my 100% honest opinion after reading the concerns you wrote. Im sorry that its harsh, you can take it or leave it as you wish:

    This guy sounds like an a**. He doesnt sound emotionally invested in your relationship at all. Sometime people change their behaviour once marriage is planned, because its like this point where they feel they no longer have to try to keep their partner around. If he isnt already, Im seeing red flags for emotional/verbal abuse in your relationship. I think you could, and should, do better than this.<br /><br />Also, most guys have atype` of girl they like…. you know… curvy, skinny, blonde, brunette…. whatever. But when theyre with a girl theyre head over heels in love with that all goes out the window and it doesnt matter if youre their type or not, they think youre the prettiest lady theyve ever seen. Actually, everyone tends to do this when theyre in love.

    Post # 72
    Member
    1835 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Oh hun, run for the hills, this is not a marriage, let alone a relationship you want to continue. This guy sounds like a jerk. Porn isn’t the problem here, it’s that your guy sounds awful and you sound miserable.

    Post # 73
    Member
    552 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I am completely confused..because I just went through and read your past postings and just a month ago you wrote about how he is your fiancé..?

    Post # 74
    Member
    21 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I’ve always grown up being “one of the guys” and I think it’s totally fine for men to watch porn – as long as they are still attentive and showing interest in you – if he’s watching porn but saying he’s “not in the mood” or something along those lines, that would bother me because you know he has the drive, just not with you. . . I know you didn’t say that was your issue, it’s just my opinion of when porn is and is not ok.

    The real problem I see is the way he treats you. I truly don’t believe age is the issue, but respect for each other is the issue. It sounds like he completely disrespects you and you can’t truly love someone and act disrespectful to them – it’s just not love.

    I think you, and any other human out there, deserves to be truly LOVED, treated with RESPECT, and HAPPY. I vote you leave him, take time to heal, and allow the RIGHT man to come into your life. You deserve it and you might just miss him giving this guy your time and attention when he doesn’t deserve it.

    Post # 75
    Member
    322 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2013 - rolling hills of southern italy

    I voted that porn is fine.. For girls… Boys..whoever. That is not the issue here.

    GET OUT! Now!!!! There is something so much worse than those 5 reasons waiting for you In a marriage with someone who treats his gf that way. 

    1: he doesn’t make you a priority

    2: he is condescending, not respectful

    3:you aren’t sexually compatible (anymore)

    4: he makes you feel ugly

    5: he doesn’t actually tell you what he feels about your relationship; so communication is off.

    those are pretty much the opposite top five of why I am marrying my fiancé. I can’t imagine being happy long term with someone who made me feel like that, no matter what redeeming qualities they might have.

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