- 3 years ago
I was very resllient to posting this (although I do visit this site often for advice and opinions), but I’ve gotten to a point where I need to vent about my current relationship situation. As a context: My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 7 years. We started dating my senior year of high school, and my boyfriend was a freshman in college. We are now 25 and 26. We’ve been through it all; we both attended college, last year I graduated with my Master’s, and my boyfriend is currently pursuing his Master’s. We both have full-time, well-paying jobs. As I work in NYC, I wanted to move into an apartment that was closer for my commute, so my boyfriend and I moved into our first apartment together 6 months ago (we both lived at home with our parents). Fast forward a few months, and we got a dog together. For the most part, our relationhsip is great. We have established our daily routine, our likes/dislikes of each other, and have learned to work with it. We work well together, and our relationship has become very solid since we moved in together. Don’t get me wrong, we have our days, but I feel like we have gravitated to another level of solidarity in our relationship.
Although, I have to admit, I may have been a bit *pushy* when it came to moving in together. I would say I’m not very traditional in the sense that I advocate for couples to live with each other before marriage, as I believe it is a great way to figure out if you could put up with someone for the rest of your life. For my case, it was a great “trial run” for us, and a way for my commute to work to be much better. My boyfriend wasn’t opposed to moving in, but being as he was just graduating college, his finances weren’t in the best shape, and he’s a huge advocate for invetsments rather than renting (buying a house). I, on the other hand, will absolutely not get a mortgage without a ring on my finger. But after some explaining, my boyfriend agreed to move in, and seemed just as excited as I.
So I thought this was perfect. We would be able to test the waters. And if god forbid something happened between us, a broken lease is better than having to work out a mortgage together. We also both wanted a dog very badly, and now that we have one, we have the perfect little family. The only thing stopping us from being oficially married is the ring, certifcate, and a wedding. Otherwise, we’re practically married. Additionally, although we split all the bills, we do have a joint bank account.
As time goes by, and more and more of my friends are getting engaged and married (and the more that my freinds and family keep asking me when the heck he’s going to pop the question!!!) I ask myself, did I make this too easy for him? Why have the cow when the milk is free? We’re doing everything a married couple would do, minus the legality of it. I understand we started dating at a young age, have moved through our life milestones together, and are trying to establish a financially stable savings before we take any big steps, but is he too comfortable? We have had many discussions of getting married and having children (we both agreed that we’re both in it for the long run), but I just don’t know when. He always says “I wouldnt have invested 7 years of my life into you if I didn’t want to get married to you.” But that gives me no indication of when he would propose. He told me if we hadn’t moved in together, we would have been engaged by now, as our rent/bills have taken a hit on us financially and he hasnt saved up much money. I dont want to sound selfish, because we’re both very finacially responsible, but my boyfriend is a bit “conservative” with his money in certain aspects of his life. I’m afraid that he won’t get married until he has a pot of gold to work with.
Am I crazy for getting inpatient? I just recently turned 25, and am struggling with a bit of a quarter-life crisis. Being with my boyfriend for so long and not getting engaged is playing a huge part of it. I’m afraid that I’ve made our situation way too comfortable for him, and that he doesn’t see any rush in getting married. I’m an extremely independant girl, and always have been. I don’t need a ring to validate my worth as a woman. But at the same token, I can’t help but think, when will be my special time? It’s not like I just met him, we’ve been with each other for a much longer time than most of my friends getting engaged. I try my very hardest to not be the jealous scorpio that I am, but every time I see another engagement posting or marriage, I get very sad for myself, almost to the point of tears. I’m extremely happy for my loved ones, I just wonder when this will happen to me. Not to mention that my boyfriend is the type of person that CANNOT be talked into anything, which will push him away even more (e.g. if I bring up getting engaged too much, he will shut himself off and it will push him away even more). I have no idea how to handle this situation. I feel like I can’t say anything to him in fear that he will not want to propose at all, but at the same time, as time goes on, I get more anxious, sad, and feel hopeless. I don’t know how I feel about ultimatums, but at this point I feel like I’m running out of options.