(Closed) Why he keeps saying he will, but never proposes?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

This whole situation is fishy. This isn’t a case of cultural differences, it’s a case of dealing with a liar. Read the writing on the wall. You caught him in numerous lies, I doubt he is divorced, and I doubt he is going to propose. Hindsight is 20/20 and People makes mistakes, however it seems to be there were brighly flashing red flags that you missed or were in denial about. You should have put the brakes on when you realize he had a pregnant wife and was claiming to be separated. If he had nothing to hide and was broken up with his wife why wouldn’t he introduce you to his family if he thinking of proposing? 

I suggest you get out of the relationship, which from what you said seems like an undercover affair.

Post # 4
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@affettuosa:  I registered just to respond to you! This very same thing happened to me 6 years ago. Here in the States, divorces are a matter of public record. Do you know which city he lives in? You can very easily go on the county’s website and look up his name in their court database to see if he has been through a divorce.

 

You aren’t crazy. Listen to your instincts! 

Post # 5
Member
1417 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Hello, I think there is alot of red flags in this relationship. From what you wrote it seems like he is not divorced. I don’t understand how he wont let you meet his family, if it was a family emergency I would think he would want to be there and want his girlfriend with him. Why don’t you live together any more?  That would be fishy to me. It seems like @TwoCityBride:  said like it’s a undercover affair.

 

Post # 7
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

@affettuosa:  You’re crazy, and you need to get out and rediscover your self-respect. (You asked for someone to tell you, so…….)

Get out and make plans with friends, keep yourself busy, join a gym, pick up a time-consuming hobby (like pottery class or volunteering at a soup kitchen-anything to consume your free time), change your number and make yourself unavailable to him, so you can get over him ASAP. I’ve been with the guy that confuses you, tells you he loves you, but then lies to you in the next breath. He’s no good, and my instincts say for you to get far, far away from him. You don’t need someone toxic like that.

Post # 8
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

I think this is a much bigger issue than not proposing, I really think this guy is still married, probably not even separated but actually married with a wife and kid waiting for him at home when he’s not with you. You haven’t met any of his friends or family and these divorce papers keep going missing or unavailable. He certainly may care for you in some capacity, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t living another life on the side. 

In order to rediscover your integrity I would break things off. Even just send an email or text (this guy doesn’t deserve anything more than that), don’t give him the chance to come back to you with more lies and reel you back in by having a face to face conversation or any dialogue. 

Also, I don’t mean this in a negative way towards you, but this guy sounds manipulative and he may have been seeking someone who was easier to take advantage of and with the cultural differences you mentioned, that someone was probably you. I think you know in your heart something is off with this relationship and that you need to end it. The last thing you want from this guy is a proposal, he’s doing you a favor.

Post # 10
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

This doesn’t sound like a safe relationship. Take some of the advise of PPs and get out of there. He sounds like a liar and more than likely is still married and you are just his “side project.” You are better than that, don’t let him treat you this way. It’s really scary that he tracked you down the way he did and then wanted to see you at 3am, probably scaring your poor mom. It really doesn’t sound safe. My advise to you is to get away from this man. 

Post # 11
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

You are capeable of setting yourself free. His behavior sounds manipulative and frankly dangerous and could esculate. If you have no wish to have contact with him call him/write him a letter stating this. Block him from your all of your emails/fb/ networking sites. He isn’t in control of your life, you are and I suggest you remember that and start acting like it. He doesn’t get to make choice about when the relationship ends, you do!

If he starts calling you friends or family document it and report it to the police as it now become harrsement. I’m sorry that you think this is love because it isn’t Being in denail about the situation despite a lot of warning signs cause you to get hurt more get entangled in a horrible situation. You can get out you just have to proactive about it, and more important have the desire to have a better and respectfully relationship with someome who is single.

Post # 13
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

His behavior is abusive and controlling, there is nothing about this that says love. The more you keep taking yourself back to this mess the more its going to chip away at your self esteem, this is how these type of people work, they wear you down until you feel trapped. Do a search on abusive relationships, they all start out with the type of behavior he is displaying, and it will escalate. I’ve been there myself.

Post # 15
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Who pays the rent at your home? I’ve no need to ask that I’m sure as its probably you.

 

I used to live in a shared house with 5 other people. There was this one guy let’s call him “Dick” now Dick was from South Africa, well educated, and for a living he told everyone he was a writer.

Dick had a girlfriend, let’s call her Suzy. She would come to the house at the weekends and stay over with him. She also paid his weekly rent and bought him groceries. Dick would tell Suzy “Omg I have so much work to do this week it’s unreal”! So Suzy would refrain from asking him if she could see him during the week. 

 

Dick would spend Mondays and Tuesday’s with another girl, let’s call her Agatha. Agatha would be gone by Tuesday night and on Wednesday morning another girl would be there. None of the girls ever met, he always picked girls who weren’t from the area just so he wouldn’t get caught.

 

The one I felt sorry for was Suzy. She was head over heels in love with him but he treated her like crap. Because of her he lived for free. 

 

Needless to say no one ever saw any of his work, probably because he didn’t do any. 

Post # 16
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

Mollalo!! Leave him. This is my suggestion, because the entire situation seems fishy to me (no divorce documents, he never takes you with him when he goes back to the States etc). Everything sounds like a lame excuse for you not to meet his family. You could suggest a Skype meeting with them, to get to know them, and see what he says.  

At the same time, I think you are being a little unreasonable when you say that if he wants to marry you then why he hasn’t proposed yet, and if he doesn’t want to marry you why isn’t he ok with you two breaking up. I mean, it could be that the guy needs more time before proposing. I don’t know how long you guys have been dating for, but some men need more time than others (my husband proposed after 3 years, my friend’s FI after 8 years), especially after something so empotionally draining as a divorce. 

 

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