(Closed) Why I am still so insecure?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Hostess
18644 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think that most of them just don’t really know anything about you and that is why they are making comments like that.  I don’t really know much about you but if your Fiance loves you then there must be a lot of great things about you that he loves and that his friends will love!  I think you just have to try and not be nervous because then they might think that you are uptight or other things just because you aren’t talking a lot.  You will do great I’m sure!

Post # 4
Member
2513 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I seriously think we can all relate to that! Whether it’s with our SO’s co-workers, or friends or family, we get caught up in what they think of us, and it can really overshadow what we think of ourselves and most importantly what our SO’s think of us!

I am sure you are wonderful and you are “good enough” for him. Otherwise he wouldn’t be with you!

Post # 5
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee

Is there a reason you feel this way?  If they are true friends…when they see how happy YOU make him, that is more important than other measures…I have no idea if I’m the most accomplished or whatever that Darling Husband dated…he rarely talks about exes, but his family says how he’s never been happier, so YAY!

I’m a total people pleaser, too, but 2nd guessing yourself just denies them getting to know the real you, and they will like the genuine you more than the insecure, doing whatever to please them-you…If all else fails, fake the confidence!  I’m sure more people are faking it than you realize!

Post # 6
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

There’s a reason he is with you and a reason he loves you and wants to marry you. BECAUSE YOU’RE YOU!!! Relax, deep breath. And really, does anyone elses’ opinions matter? You are spending the rest of your life with him, and he wants to be with you!!! 🙂 Think of all the wonderful attributes you have and remember – STAY POSITIVE!!!

Post # 7
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

You are not silly! At least I don’t think so at all. I totally understand what you’re going through too. My fiance is five years older and a social butterfly surrounded by adoring family, friends, and coworkers, which is really wonderful….but….friends who have been friends with him for a long time had a hard time warming up to me for a billion different reasons (age difference, fact he’d be moving out of state to be with me eventually, race difference). We’ve made a lot of progress in the nearly five years we’ve been together, but I know there are people I’ll never win over (he too received a lot of “hope she’s good enough for you” comments when we got engaged!!) He recently got his MBA too – despite my good job and education, I was completely looked over as “inferior” by many colleagues and professors. That bothered me less as I’ll never see them again, ha ha, but still, it is difficult when you’re made to feel that way.

I think it’s really hard to get around this sort of thing when you are a self-conscious person (and I mean that in the best way, I too worry what people think of me a lot, especially when it comes to FI’s friends and family). My fiance sounds similar to yours and will say “you know that X,Y and Z totally love you, right?” Really? They’ve never given me any reason to think they even acknowlege my existence! Argh!

The important thing is that your fiance thinks you’re a rockstar who “hung the moon”! I’m sorry I don’t have anything else to impart in terms of advice, but know that I totally get what you’re going through. I think the thing of it is that over time as people see your relationship, they’ll understand why you’re together.

Good luck with that professor, she sounds like a piece of work!

Post # 8
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Ever hear of the Imposter Syndrome? Google it, and there’s loads on it. It’s when a person believes that what they’ve accomplished are just flukes and/or luck and at any moment everyone is going to realize who you are an unmask you. The truth is though, you are that awesome. The things you accomplished and the people you’re around, it’s all you. You’ve done those things, not luck. Like you said, your Fiance believes you hung the moon so the truth is that you are that amazing!

Just realize it and do your best to believe it. Others will too!

Post # 9
Member
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

For the record (and I’m completely aware that this is superficial) I remember thinking what a complete and total hottie you were when you posted your engagement pics!!! You are MORE than good enough for your fiance but it is def hard when you can’t see it! I’m sorry, have you talked to him about how you feel at all?

Post # 10
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I can relate completely, and you are definitely not alone with your feelings.  My sister once said something to me that really hit home.  She said “It seems like you don’t think you are worth other people’s time.”  It was a bit blunt (as only sisters can be), but she had it just right.  I just felt like I was an annoyance to my friends and acquaintences.  But I wasn’t then and I am not now!  I literally had to force myself to change my world view to be a more accurate reflection of what my relationships and friendships really were like, not what I feared they were like.  It was hard, but learning to listen to what people said to me and trusting them, rather than listening to my negative internal narrative, has made all the difference in my relationships and my confidence.

You don’t need to change who you are.  Clearly you are pretty awesome already.  But you do need to work on changing your perceptions of yourself.  You can do it!

Post # 11
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I COMPLETELY relate.

Mirhini: I had a future family member once who was cheering me up during one of these “nobody in my new family likes me” freak outs. After several runs of “you’re fine” “we like you fine”… they finally said very bluntly “It sounds like you want me to say something else, like you WANT me to think you’re terrible.” It made me stop and think… because it was kinda true.

I wonder what I’d gain by being the blacksheep of things – because when I’ve asked I’m told it’s not true. And there’s nothing more I can do but believe my Fiance when he tells me, right?

Thanksgiving this past week was the worst because I was so wrapped up in whether or not his friends and family liked me… why they didn’t seem to show it much… what the matter was with ME…. and I wondered whether I was caring WAY too much about people my Fiance doesn’t care that much about and whether I was trying WAY too hard.

But it’s my personality… I am trying every day to find a way to calm down about all these insecurities.

Post # 12
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

@coconutmellie – I hear you for sure!  It really does take some straight talk to get through sometimes!  Thank goodness we have people who care enough about us to cut through our own BS.  And one thing I have learned is that other people really don’t spend time thinking about me.  Of course they don’t!  They have their own lives and issues to deal with and in the grand scheme of things I am just not on their radar!  This isn’t because they don’t like me or there is something wrong with me, it just is.

Post # 14
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think it is TOTALLY normal to feel like this sometimes. I feel the same way sometimes too except mine is a little different. I’ve graduated from school already so I feel pretty confident when my Fiance just tells people about me because it sounds good to tell people “Oh yea she got through undergrad and law school in 6 years and she’s a lawyer.” The problem comes when I meet them… I have ALWAYS struggled with my weight and my Fiance is such a cutey, I often wonder if they meet me then and think…. hm…. maybe she was skinnier when they met?

Sigh.

Post # 15
Member
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think we all feel that way! I know I do. And not just with his friends and stuff. We got in a fight last night (ugh), and I said it too him: why are you with ME?! I don’t deserve you!!!! Well, that doesn’t help! Because then I freak out that I’m giving him ideas!!! But I think that insecurity is somewhat good. It makes you want to work harder and be better for them. You just have to try to remember that it doesn’t matter what others see or think about you, but what he does.

Post # 16
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

It’s not that uncommon to feel this way. I used to feel this way a lot, actually. 🙂 I got myself some therapy (and then I trained to beomce a therapist myself, although I am not working as one right now).

What you’re describing is classic low self-esteem. It can lead to something called a self-fulfilling prophecy, where you act in ways that are consistent with your thoughts, and that leads to your expected/feared outcome. Here’s an example:

Thought:

  • You believe or worry a lot that your fiance’s friends and colleagues secretely don’t like you

Behaviors as a result of that thought:

  • Act nervous or with little self-confidence around them
  • Constantly ask for reassurance from your fiance that they really like you
  • Avoid, put off, and excessively worry about situations where you have to interact with these people

Thoughts as a result of those behaviors:

  • Interpret ambiguous information in a negative light (like the post on the FB wall)
  • Reinforcing to yourself that they don’t like you or think you’re good enough

Repeat.

Are you seeing anything like this? If you are, then there are two things you can do: Artificially change your behavior and artificially change your thoughts.

If it’s behavioral, look at your fiance or someone you admire in social situations and identify some of the things they do, how they act. Then try it out yourself in somewhere with less pressure. Like method acting.

If it’s more the thoughts side that you can’t get rid of, tell yourself that you’ve made an executive decision not to entertain these negative thoughts anymore.  Tell yourself, “they like me just fine. I am overreacting to this.” The statements don’t have to be grandiose—the friends don’t have to love you or want to marry you (that’s your fiance’s job)—just that you are a fine and legitimate person, your fiance chose you and that should be good enough for them, and so forth.

It’s going to feel like a sham at first, but after time you believe it. I learned about this method in therapy and in school and it’s worked for me and others. Give it a try, maybe it will help :).

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