- 4 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
I’ve been upset all night, so I think I am just going to write this out.
When I was 16, I had insane cramping and bleeding to the point that I spent two days in the ER. It was discovered that I had endometriosis. Once I got to college, I became concerned about my ability to have children so I saw two specialists. Both who told me that my chances of conceiving without medical intervention would be extremely hard.
My college bf and I had plenty of unprotected sex without birth control. For three years, I shunned the risk hoping that it might happen. College boyfriend was on board with this risk. Yes, it was stupid. And I ended up spending a fortune in pregnancy tests. But not once did I see a second line in three years (even though I also started tracking diligently).
It was not until I met my current fiance that I went on birth control. I was honest with him about my fears, fertility issues, and past doctors visits. Eventually, the birth control felt like it was taking over my body (I had very weird symptoms for 6 different brands), so I got off of it. Recently, we have been having unprotected sex. Now that we are closer to the wedding, it’s not a big deal if we were to get pregnant.
This week, I had some strange symptoms that I do not typically get when my period was coming. I am extremely tired, have sharper cramping, tender breasts, etc. I tried to not get my hopes up, but I took a pregnancy test yesterday (two days before my missed period), and it was of course negative. I spent all last night in tears over it. For my fiance, it was no big deal because we are not actively planning or trying.
But to me, every failed pregnancy test is a reminder that my body does not work. It’s a reminder that my life isn’t exactly where I wanted it to be. I have been dealing with working a job that is not in the field I want to be in where I feel like someone’s secretary half of the time – something I promised I’d never be. I’ve been searching for a better job for two years now with no luck. So, I feel that I cannot preoccupy myself with work or making the world a better place because of my current work situation and I cannot be a mom… what is the point? (no, this is not suicidal) What am I doing here? I’m in some pregnancy-career-fufillment limbo that’s slowly killing my spirit. A failed pregnancy test is just another cherry on top.
I grew up in a family with a lot of childless women, so I was spoiled by these aunts. I have two nieces and a nephew whom I adore, but they keep my baby fever at bay. My fiance and I believe that medical intervention is not for us in regards to conceiving (even though I am a product of some of the first IVF treatments). We plan on eventually adopting, but I have secretly wished that a miracle would happen.
So, there’s my story. I try to stay away from the “squint at my pee stick” posts, but today, I clicked on four of them. Apparently, I like the self-punishment.