Post # 1
I’ve been thinking of ways to rationalize wanting input on the ring. I think I came up with a good analogy, in case the topic comes up again (which I might push for a little while down the line). Just to recap, this is for my SO’s argument that my having input would spoil the surprise and “that’s not how it’s done.”
This is how I envision saying it to my SO:
Would you trust me to buy you a $20 pair of jeans? Why? (cheap, not a big deal)
What about a $75 pair? (Riskier, but depends on the style)
What about a $200 pair of jeans? (Probably not. Especially if he hasn’t seen them or tried a similar pair on).
Now imagine me buying you a $1000 pair of jeans. Without you seeing them. Without you ever having tried them or anything similar on. Without knowing what color or style of jeans you like.
AND, this is the only pair of jeans you will ever wear again.
(To increase effectiveness) I’ll let you pick out your first belt for them. And then every once in a while (maybe) I’ll buy you a new belt (anniversary rings). But the pants will stay the same.
What do you think? Sounds effective to me lol What could go wrong? (lol help me predict things)
Post # 3
I’d let him take the lead on how much input he wants in this, personally.
Post # 4
good analogy – he might not get it though boys are abit dim.
Is there any chance you can do some research and send him some photo’s via email? I cant see how that would spoil the surprise as you would still have no clue what he chooses in the end and the timeline wouldnt be ruined?
Post # 5
I think that’s a pretty good way of explaining it. I would exclude the bit about the belt (distracts from the main point) and possibly instead of going $20, 75$ etc, just hit straight to the $1000 point.
Post # 6
@Kat_Kit2000: I love that! Sounds perfect. I think this would be great advice for anyone who’s SO feels that way. I got lucky as my FI knew: 1. I’m really picky about jewelery and don’t wear any so my e-ring would be super special to me. 2. He has been totally off base with gifts before, so it could be risky. 3. In his eyes I was the one that had to wear it forever so why shouldn’t I have something I’m going to love?
We chose my ring together. I think it really depends on the couple. I feel terrible when a guy spends thousands on an ering that was totally not what his future FI wanted and then she’s kinda stuck with it.
Post # 7
@Kat_Kit2000: Awesome! If he doesn’t get it, buy the jeans and make him wear it haha!! Seriously, I love the analogy. As for “that is how it’s done”, did he say that for real?? My mom got engaged to my dad 42 years ago, and she picked her ring! So did I (I’m not engaged yet, but we have the ring and I picked it). If he is worried that you have expensive tastes, you could tell him that you would agree on a budget first!
Good luck! Hope you get your say. Oh another idea, why don’t you tell him that YOU pick his wedding band, no input from him??? (insert grin).
Post # 8
@Kat_Kit2000: I totally see his point and yours. I wouldn’t use that analogy because jeans aren’t the only thing you wear for the rest of your life. The way I put it to my FI was “I totally trust your taste in jewelry, but this is the one item I am lucky enough to wear the rest of my life. I trust you will pick out something that looks amazing, but a lot of the beautiful rings ont he market are uncomfortable or designed in a way that stones can pop out. I would love some input so we can make sure I do get to wear it forever and it doesn’t sit in a drawer because it hurts or is broken”
My FI was 100% against us shoping together (until after we had been engaged a year and he walked into a jewelry store and saw how nice it was that couples shopped together– pre engagement he would not entertain the idea). What our compromise was is that I sent him an email of what I liked and he bought the ring. He could use my suggestions to find something I would love or he could click on the “buy it now” link. He chose to have more input and selected something himself that was still in the style I liked.
I think one email with 1) what you like in settings (with a few pictures), 2) what you like in metal, and 3) what you like in stones is okay. The one email, no discussion, was the only input that I got (as a take it or leave it) and my ring came out beautifully.
Post # 9
@Kat_Kit2000: I don’t know if I would go with the analogy as it might not really make sense equating jeans to an engagement ring…
I guess I was lucky because my FI realized that this was something I would be wearing forever and he wanted it to be absolutely perfect for me and something I would be proud to wear.
Here’s what we did, so maybe you could go this route with your future fiance…: We went shopping together so that I could try on settings and see what styles I liked. That was all the input I had. We actually picked 3 different styles that I thought were lovely. After that, the final selection on setting was his decision. I also had no input in the center diamond, I left that all up to him and how much he wanted to spend. He actually ended up having the setting custom made based off of the settings we had both liked.
He also told me that had he shopped himself, he wouldn’t have gotten anything close to what we ended up with. It really takes seeing different styles on to realize if you like them or not. For example, before we went shopping together, he thought he hated a cushion halo around a round brilliant. After he saw them on my finger, he realized that they were quite pretty. Before that he just couldn’t get why you would put something squarish around something round. Seeing it in person makes all the difference!
Post # 10
I honestly don’t like the analogy at all. And being a guy, I don’t think it will get through to him, especially if he is stuck in his ways.
I was fortunate enough to have a DH who valued my opinion in the style of ring. He wanted it to be a surprise, but I suggested shopping together. NOT to pick out the ring, but just look for a style I liked. So we went, I picked out a few I liked (he was very serious so he knew I focused on one particular ring over any others and it helped that the jeweler kept saying it too lol) and then when he was ready to propose he went out and got the ring of his choosing. So it was still a surprise but I still got something I would like too.
Post # 11
Screw that “the ring is his choice and his choice alone” bullshit. My SO said, “I know nothing about jewelry,” and he and I sat down together, I showed him what I did and did not like in rings (don’t like diamonds, like colored stones, hate gold/prefer sterling to platinum or other white metals, don’t like rhodium plating, etc), and in particular a set that I really liked. It’s well within an acceptable price range for an expensive piece of jewelry, much less a wedding set, and he agreed that it was right in line with the style of jewelry I like to wear. Ring set selected, he asked for my size, I provided it. Done. I’m not waiting for him to pick a ring, because he made it clear that picking a ring wasn’t something he felt qualified to do (to my tastes or simply in general). I’m waiting for him to be at a place where he is also ready to become engaged. And you know what? I’m okay with that.
Post # 12
@Kat_Kit2000: The FI thankfully let me take the lead in choosing my engagement rings because he knew that I was particular in what I wanted and that between the two of us, I was the researcher and would be able to get exactly what I wanted for a good price. That being said, I also took into account his opinions.
However, we got some crap from friends because I had input. The same arguments you mentioned your SO using were used by them as well. I looked two couples straight in the eye and said “It’s funny when you say that’s not how things are done considering you both were living together and/or have children together before you were married. Because I’m sure that’s not how things were done ”
If you feel strongly about having input in your ring, I definitely think you should communicate that to your SO and perhaps try to aim for a compromise? You get input in the ring and he gets full control over the proposal.
Post # 13
I would also back yourself up with stories of people who had input on the ring. Perhaps put a poll on WeddingBee about it and backyourself up with numbers?
Remember to compromise on this too. He wants some of it to be a surprise. So perhaps give him some guidelines, some do’s AND don’ts and he can follow. Also ask if you can go ring shopping alone (if that would make him more comfortable), just so you can get an idea of how rings look on your finger. And then give him details.
AND if he is happy to have all of that input, but really wants the timing to be a surprise, then put all of that info into a document and then give the document to your sister/mother/best friend/brother. That way your BF can ask THEM for the info when he is ready and they will promise not to tell you that he has. That way you are still clueless as to the timing of the matter.
Post # 14
I don’t know how one convinces someone of this, but it seems quite natural to want input to me! Is he just supposed to psychically know what you like about jewelry? Those kinds of preferences don’t usually just randomly come up in normal couple conversation unless you’re headed there.
My FH pestered me for what rings I liked from the start of when he decided to do it, ’cause he was terrified of the idea of me not adoring it. After he proposed he spent the rest of the day asking over and over, “are you sure it’s good?” Even though I basically told him exactly what I like, he had a ring made based on what I said, and I gushed and cried and went on at length about how perfect it was… he STILL kept going “are you sure you like it?” all night.
Post # 15
If he wants it to be a surprise and you very much want input I vote using a friend to get that info to him. Go out with a girlfriend, look at rings “just for fun,” she can take a photo or note the style of what you like and tell your SO she has the dirt on your preferences. If your SO wants to choose this ring as a surprise I would get out of your mind the idea of picking the exact ring yourself.
Above all else, for your own sanity, do not look at a bunch of engagement rings online right now. You’ll invariably set your heart on one specific ring and wind up disappointed.
Post # 16
Thanks for everyones feedback =]