Post # 1
First let me start by saying how wonderful my relationship is, how my my Honey loves and how I know he wants to marry me (its a matter of when not if). We’ve actually planned a lot of the wedding any even narrowed down an ideal date. And on all other counts my Honey is (almost) the perfect man, standing by my side through law school and supporting me while i am studying for the bar. However there is a dark side. Well not really dark but not so great. This summer, after we moved in together, he admitted that the main thing he was waiting for was for me to reach my weight loss goals. Im only about 10 pounds away from my goal, but i have to admit the process has taken me awhile. When we met i was about 20 pounds overweight and he was cool with it because he knew i was working on losing it. But these last 10 pounds are taking forever to lose.
This frustrates me to no end. I feel like he should propose because he loves me and he knows i am actively trying to reach my goals. At this point i am working out 5-6 days a week and i dont know what more i can do. I know some people would comsider this a deal breaker, but i dont because like i said he is perfect in everyother way and usually makes me feel loved, wanted and beautiful. Fitness is just extreamly important to him and he is afraid because many of his friend’s wives gained a lot o weight after they got married and he feels like if im my ideal weight before we get married its more likely i will stay that way.
On the one and i understand him but on the other hand, i feel like he should know who i am, know that i am trying and just have faith in me. We had several big blowouts about this over the summer, but in September we had a calm talk about it and he claimed h eunderstood my side of it. It hasnt been brought up since. The past couple of weeks we have been looking at rings but im still stressing….is he over the whole weight issue? Or is he just trying to keep me happy for now? Or he may honestly be planning to propose in the not so near future (it took him almost a year and a half to say i love you). I really dont know what to do, or how not stress over this whole thing. Sorry its so long and thanks for letting me vent.
Post # 3
Hmmmm. I have never heard of such a thing. I would be really heart broken to be honest. It is your relationship, and you know him best. You also know how much you can tolerate. But to me that is very discouraging, stressful, and I am sure, it must bring your self esteem down. I just think he should love you for you, for your heart, and your beauty that you hold now. Not what you will look like 10 lbs from now. And btw, 10 lbs is pretty much nothing, so that seems a bit ridculous. Maybe its a bit of a cop out. I hope you get through this. You need to talk to him about it though, and tell him you don;t like to be measured by your weight, as any woman should not.
Post # 4
This actually sounds like a horrible situation to me. 10 pounds are more important to him than your personality/how much he wants to be with you? What about when you have kids? What if you were to have a disability that made it difficult to work out? What if your body chemistry changes and you can’t work off the extra weight?
I think it is a shallow, shallow thing for him to be witholding his committment because of something as stupid as 10 pounds.I would not marry someone who was more concerned about my weight than about our relationship.
My aunt was in an emotionally abusive marriage until a couple of years ago – she was not fat by any stretch, but her husband constantly made comments about her shape and breast size, etc. WHen she was pregnant, he told her he had to go to strip bars because she was fat and that made her unattractive to her.
There are SO MANY guys out there that aren’t that way. Why not find someone who accepts ALL fo you for who you are, and marry tham> Because it sounds like your current relationship is really unhealthy.
Post # 5
I would definitely consider that a dark side. I am debating how honest to be with you, because seriously… that sucks. Big time. The person you want to spend the rest of your life with should want to do the same with you, no matter what your weight is. As far as reasons to not get engaged go… thats a dumb/horrible/douchebag reason of one. That would be like my fiance telling me he doesnt want to get engaged until my hair grows out.
Don’t get me wrong. I understand the health reasons associated with being overweight. I understand that sex lives tend to become better, and people are more attractive to their partners when they are healthy, as evident by my fiance’s increased sex drive since I have started working out.
However, it is not a good, or even okay, reason to put off an engagement.
To me it sounds like he is dangling a carrot in front of your face, which is wrong wrong wrong. Only you can decide if you are okay with this, or if he is worth waiting for, because I wouldn’t be.
Post # 6
I agree with PPs. That would not be a cool situation to be in, and I’d consider leaving. What happens when you get pregnant? Are you going to be held to that same expectation?
On a side note, you said you’re working out, but you said nothing about your eating habits. Diet has A LOT to do with weight loss.
I wish the best for you.
Post # 7
I’d find it shallow & insulting. What kind of prize does he think he is?
If you feel the need to lose weight because YOU want to for YOURSELF, that’s perfectly fine. But to do it to try to make yourself worthy of some guy? Ugh.
Post # 8
That’s pretty awful. Sorry, I’m being honest with you. He’d consider not proposing until you lost a certain amount of weight? Really? Anyone who works out can tell you it’s not about how much weight you loose. It’s about how you feel! When I was losing weight I ended up gaining a lot of muscle and muscle weighs more than fat.
Post # 9
i’m sorry, that sounds like an awful situation… have you had a talk with him about it? i am kind of confused as to why that would be the reason he’s waiting to propose… i can understand his wants for you to be healthy, but it’s like dangling a carrot in front of you with your weight loss as the threshold. if you really want to be with him, i suggest having a real frank conversation and discuss what is important to both of you. it seems like you’ve already done a good job of reaching your goal….
Post # 10
I agree with you guys that it is really shallow and thats why I had been stressing so much over it. But on every other aspect of our relationship is great. He has been there for me through some really tough times, he encourages me, and is generally really supportive. He’s never called me fat or anything and actually constantly tells me im beautiful. Either way it goes im going to lose the weight, but its just annoying that he felt that way. Like i said he hasnt brought it up since our last talk so hopefuly he has seen how shallow it was. This is honestly the only issue in our relationship so hopefully we can get over it and move on.
Post # 11
It seems quite demeaning to me. Is he going to weigh her periodically after they’re married? What happens when she’s pregnant? Or has to take some meds that cause weight gain?
It concerns me that they’ve had “major blow ups” over this. Sounds as if he may have turned her head around & gotten her to believe this is something she “should” do for him.
Post # 12
Maybe you need to make sure he meets your requirements too before you marry him? Does he have 6 pack abs? 5% or lower body fat? How fast can he run a mile? I mean these are pretty important things to consider before you marry the guy!!!
Ok that is snarky I admit, but seriously he sounds overly obsessed with your weight. Do what you want but remember that you will feel pressure to maintain his weight standards the rest of your days.
Post # 13
I’m sorry you are going through this. So when you met your SO you were not overweight? Just wondering because I think he should like you for who you are not what’s on the outside. I really don’t consider 10lbs to be overweight by the way. Maybe with your last talk he finally realized how silly he is being. Hopefully he did get over that. You should probably talk to him about it to make sure. I also think he shouldn’t compare your relationship to a friends. Just cause his wife gained weight does not mean you will. That just doesn’t make sense to me. Anyways, just the fact you lost 10lbs is totally awesome. Great job!! Be proud of that and don’t dwell on the last 10.
Post # 14
How can he make you feel beautiful if he won’t marry you until you lose 10 pounds? Clearly you’re not beautiful enough for him to marry until the scale says you are. I’m sorry, but I am absolutely appalled on your behalf. This is totally unacceptable behavior and you do not have to stand for it, I don’t care if he’s prince charming on all other accounts.
Also, like someone else mentioned, what happens when you have babies? He does realize that your body is going to change, right? Or are you guys going to seperate if you gain anything more than 5 pounds? Is that going to be a part of your vows? For richer or poorer, sickness and in health, so long as you don’t gain more than 10 pounds?
I mean, honestly. Words can’t really express how horrified I am at this post. He should be ashamed of himself.
Post # 15
I will have to say that would pissed me off big time. It’s great that he is perfect in all other aspect, but this isn’t like him leaving the toilet seat up or not taking out the trash..Him not accepting your addition 10 lbs. is a big deal. As we age, we’re going to start putting on the weight, our boobs aren’t going to stay perky and our bellies will hang even more loose..our ability to lose weight will be that much more difficult. It’s ridiculous that 10 lbs. is what’s keeping you from being marriage bound. I feel for you, I am rather difficult on myself when it comes to weight loss..if someone I love were to criticize me..i would be devastated. Good luck with your last 10 lbs., but my advice is to do it for you..not for your SO and certainly not for a ring. =)
Post # 16
Yeah, I would probably leave him. That sounds very shallow and hateful. He won’t propose because he wants you to lose the last 10 pounds? I would not be happy if my Fiance said that to me. Then when and if he proposes, will he say he won’t marry you until you can fit into a size 2 dress? Then later in life will he cheat on you because you gained weight carrying his children? (if you want children) Yeah…this is just the beginning hon.