(Closed) Why I’m still waiting

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m sorry, but I have to agree with PPs. This sounds like a dark side that I wouldn’t want to have anything to do with. What you described sounds a lot like the kind of emotional abuse and self esteem shredding that I dealt with when I dated a guy who had an eating disorder (long before I met FI). He often made “jokes” about how a bride gained 10 lbs for every step she took down the aisle. Needless to say, I didn’t tolerate that kind of “joking” for long. It sounds like maybe your SO is projecting his own issues with weight or fitness onto you. Even if you do lose those last 10 lbs (which, unless you’re 3 ft tall, is NOT a significant amount of weight), I doubt that dark side will go away.

Post # 18
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I wish you both nothing but happiness.

 

 

But how disgusting. “I love you. I just don’t want to marry you until you meet my expectations”. If you told him you don’t think you’re going to lose that last 10…then what?

Post # 19
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I can understand that perhaps he’s waiting for you to achieve a goal. I can understand that he wants his partner in life to be healthy and healthy-minded like he is. I can also understand that perhaps the proposal is somehow connected to you reaching your goal (but I don’t want to allude too much and spoil anything for you). Has he specifically said that he’s concerned about you carrying extra weight or is there something else? I’d hate to think the worst of anyone’s SO so I’m not going to.

Post # 20
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I am still fuming for you!  I gained 10 lbs when my fiance was deployed….he was my boyfriend at the time and once he came home he proposed when I was at my heaviest. Because he loves my personality. Because he loves my face. Because he loves ME. I wish I could say something kind but this is no bueno!

Post # 21
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

You should let him read this post of what people have written about his “excuse” and “shallowniss” maybe it will be an eye opener.

 

Although this example is the EXTREME I want to point out that abuse isnt always physical. I mean women stay in relationships with men who HIT them bc everything else is right, he pays the bills, says he loves her, says he is sorry….

how is this any different?

Everything is PERFECT expect he is emotionally abusing you!! This is an awful situation and I have to agree with previous posters. Get out. Find someone who today, this very day, loves you exactly for who you are, your weight, your sense of humor EVERYTHING and will marry you when you weigh 99 pounds or 300 pounds….THATS LOVE

Post # 22
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

View original reply
@CapeBoundBride:  I can understand that he wants his partner in life to be healthy and healthy-minded like he is.

She already is.  She works out 5 to 6 days a week and I assume eats healthy.  So she is healthy-minded.  Just because she hasn’t made it to some arbitrary number on a scale doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about her health.  Plus, she’s only 10 pounds overweight.  That is nothing! His concerns are cosmetic, pure and simple. Shallow to the extreme, not to mention controlling, misogynistic and downright douchy.

Ugh. 

Post # 23
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

Wow.  I don’t even know what to say to you.  It sounds like he is putting you down so you feel dependent on him and desperate for him to want to marry you.  I’m sorry but if my Boyfriend or Best Friend ever told me our engagement was contingent upon my weight loss, i’d be out.  You say he makes you feel beautiful but it certainly doesn’t sound like it.  I think he sounds like a total DB [for lack of a better word].  It sounds like you’re making excuses for him because you think you want to marry him…trust me if your man truly made you feel sexy, beautiful, empowered, etc…you would know it and you would never have to stress about 10 measly pounds.  I think you should think really hard if you want a forever with him.  He does not sound loving or fantastic.  And if he’s perfect in “Every other way” that’s not enough in my opinion

I’m sorry I’m so blunt/harsh but men like this really burn me up.  So after you get preggo and have a baby is he going to be on your case until you lose the baby weight?  Give me a break!

Post # 24
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

I’d like to throw in that a number on a scale means very little. Someone who weighs 130lbs could be a size 8, but someone else the exact same height and weight could be a size 4. You shouldn’t judge your health or how you feel about yourself based on a number, it’s about how you actually look and feel.

I agree with lezlers, you’re already healthy, he’s being unrealistic.

Post # 25
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

Oh and also, you say when he met you you had weight to lose but it was okay with him because you were “trying” This guy sounds like a serious jerk.  

Post # 26
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t agree with his reason for not proposing.  Let me ask you, what happens when you get an illness or you naturally age where your weight goes above “his” preferred?  Will he divorce you for that? I think it’s incredibly possessive and leaves a really bad taste in my mouth.  You’re a very intelligent person, I would make sure you understand his behavior before marrying him or getting engaged for that matter.

Post # 27
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I really don’t intend to sound mean, but he sounds like the most shallow person I’ve ever heard about.  How dare he tell you that he won’t ask you to be his bride until you are at a certain weight.  It’s all fine and dandy that he’s a health nut, but that’s no reason for him to not propose to you.  The man you marry should love you for who you are, not what you look like. 

Right now I’m working on losing some weight, but that’s because I want to, not because my Fiance told me too.  In fact, every day he tells me that he loves the way I look and doesn’t want me to feel like I have to change myself.  He loves me no matter how I look.

I’m sorry, but your man sounds very arrogant.  If I were you I would have a serious talk with this dude and leave him.

Post # 28
Member
3586 posts
Sugar bee

ITA with this—-> you say when he met you you had weight to lose but it was okay with him because you were “trying” This guy sounds like a serious jerk.

Post # 29
Member
4544 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

When I mentioned this to my husband he looked at me in shock and said “You can’t do that! I mean WHO does that”.

When I was trying to lose weight my then Fiance was very supportive and would tell me how great I was doing. That said, when I gained a few pounds after our wedding and haven’t been motivated to work out, he’s said nothing. Every woman deserves a man who loves her for who she is. As everyone has already pointed out, what happens if you gain weight after marriage? Or after kids? Or naturally as you get older? I wish you nothing but the best but your SO sounds like a jerk!

Post # 30
Member
15 posts
Newbee

I agree with all the others. And Im worried that because losing this weight is a goal for you, that you are making everything dependent on it. That is to say, Im concerned that you are mixing up the loss of these 10 lbs with the goal of marriage, that they are intermingled and the same thing in your mind now. That perhaps your boyfriend is encouraging this thinking and using it against you… That said, I also thought of the problem of hormonal changes during and after pregnancy and how he might simultaniously tell you you are beautiful “but…”. As well, Im thinking of your children, what if they are overwieght? How would he treat your children if they happen to be a little heavy during adolesence? This is a no-go in my opinion. Dont rationalize this to yourself! You are rationalizing his condescension!! This is NOT love. Yes, I said it, this tells me he does NOT love you. He is using you. Manipulating you. And he is getting away with it. When you lose this weight how do you know he wont start on something else? That you wont find youself in the position of ” Ill have children with you when you….”.

Post # 31
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee

@JojoBee: I think physical appearance is much more important to men than women. Men are visual creatures and are stimulated based on physical appearance vs women being stimulated emotionally. However, there seems to be a lack of maturity.

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