(Closed) Why I’m still waiting

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

JojoBee, please ask yourself – is it really your fitness and health that your Fiance is concerned with, or is that just his way of exerting control over your physical appearance?

Because as @lezlers: pointed out upthread, you are ALREADY fit and healthy. Fitness isn’t some arbitrary number on a scale. Who decided that you need to weigh x-10 pounds? I highly doubt it was your doctor, right? 

So really, it’s about being skinny enough for your SO’s approval. To be honest, I’m disgusted. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t marry him until I could be sure that he’s marrying me for WHO I am, and not what I look like. Because as PPs have said, shit happens in life that will alter your weight and appearance beyond your control. You could get pregnant, get sick, get hurt, or simply gain weight because that’s just what your body does as you get older. What then? How will he punish you then?

 

 

 

Post # 33
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My Fiance was sitting next to me and I read this to him outloud.  He said “I feel really bad for her, what happens if she gets pregnant?” and then said “If you EVER said that to me, I would not marry you.”

Post # 34
Member
11373 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

It seems as if this bf has found a way to keep the OP permanently off balance & insecure–very manipulative, IMO.

My ex was like that.  His emotional & verbal abuse had to escalate to the physical before I caught on & got out.

Post # 35
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I have to add my tick to the “he’s a shallow person” column.  And also i wholeheartedly agree with the PPs who said that you must already be VERY healthy if you work out 5-6 times a week.  Everyone has a natural static weight at which they will stay if they live a reasonably healthy lifestyle, with the NECESSARY occasional indulgences and breaks from exercise (life is life – we aren’t all personal trainers who can devote every thought to calories and exercise minutes!!!!)…unfortunately yours seems to be 10 lbs heavier than your SO would like.  

If losing the last 10 pounds is as hard as you’ve said, and taking as long as you’ve said, its very unlikely that once you do hit your goal weight, you’ll be able to stay there easily.  The reason i say this is that if someone loves you, they should recognise that people come in different shapes and sizes and that you’re beautiful at any healthy weight.  Using rewards for weight loss is great when you’re the one controlling the rewards….having someone else dangle something in front of you for pounds lost sets a very dangerous precedant for the relationship and for your mental and physical health.

Please be well – please consider whether this man is the best thing for you, even if every other aspect of the relationship is perfect.

Post # 36
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

If he gets to control your weight in this relationship, what do YOU get to control when it comes to him?

I’m sorry but do you realize this has the potential to snowball?  First it starts with your weight.  Then the way you dress, then how you wear your hair …  

I can tell you that, after my first baby, I dropped the weight with no problems.  With baby #2, I struggled with the last few pounds and, even though I felt bad about the way I looked, DH never said anything except how wonderful I looked for a mom of 2.  With the 3rd and 4th kids, I lost the weight and then some.  Not once has he ever made an issue of what I weighed.  If he had, you can bet there would’ve been hell to pay.  I was lucky that I was able to lose the weight, but … even when I struggled, it was nice to know that I was loved whether or not I could get into my pre-maternity clothes or not.  I don’t think I would’ve fared well if my DH harped on my weight. 

Post # 37
Member
439 posts
Helper bee

I am flat out disgusted by your Boyfriend or Best Friend.  Don’t even wait around for the proposal.  It’s not worth it.  We all change as we age.

Look, I’m 190 pounds and 5’6″.  I’m a size 14, and I’m overweight, and I know it.  I’m working on it, but it’s really unlikely that I’ll ever be under 145 because of the way I’m built (My dad always said I was built like a fire hydrant…I’d make a great football player with my build).

If my Fiance had made our engagement contingent on my weight loss, it would have never happened.  And frankly, I wouldn’t have wanted it to happen.  FI proposed with me looking the way I do.  He loves me no matter what my weight.  Yes, he wants me to be healthy, but that’s something we’re working on together (he could stand to lose a few pounds, too).  He loves me because of my personality, my brain, and my attitude, not because of how I look.  And that is what I want.  I was always taught to value the “inner person” in someone else.  I want someone to value the “inner person” in me.

If your SO doesn’t value your inner person and only wants you because you look a certain way, it will never last.  A man can never be perfect if he is making your relationship contingent on your weight.  It doesn’t matter what else he does for you.  If he can’t accept you as you are, he’s not perfect.

Post # 38
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I agree with all of the PPs. Personally, I would never give the time of day to someone who treats his girlfriend so despicably, let alone marry him.

Post # 39
Member
354 posts
Helper bee

Hi-

So, here is how I see it.  The problem isn’t so much about him wanting you to lose weight (it sounds like you want this for yourself) but entirely in how he is going about it.  My husband is extremely extremely health conscious (ie weighs himself every day, only has only one ‘treat’ meal a week, mostly cooks at home to avoid excess fat, etc) and when we met, my favorite foods were tacos and cupcakes and rarely went to the gym.  So needless to say, we led very different lifestyles.  I was about 10 – 12 lbs over my ideal weight (as set by me) and I wasn’t happy about it at all.  I’m 5’5″ so I wasn’t fat but I definitely was conscious of my thighs and rear and I knew I’d have more energy and more confidence if I slimmed down a bit.  He understood this and was very encouraging.  He made it a point to plan active dates and cook healthy meals for me (I am a novice cook), and he shared his habits with me (like tracking weight, writing down what you eat, etc, it was up to me to decide if any of those were something for me to consider and up to me to decide whether to share them or not).  Once we started living together, I became more focused on losing weight for the wedding.  Even though he didn’t have any weight to lose, he would wake up early to go to the gym with me as a measure of solidarity and cheered on my weight loss.  Occasionally if I was stressed out or PMSing, he’d take me out to a ‘treat’ meal and he encouraged me to not deprive myself of the foods I loved but to think about them in balance with a healthier diet.  He always told me I was beautiful and I knew he wanted to marry me, regardless of what the scale said.  By time of the wedding, I lost 8 lbs and we were both thrilled about it (even though it was four lbs less than my goal).  I have since gained back 4 lbs while traveling and he hasn’t said a word about it until I brought it up and asked for his support in getting back on track.  My father recently suffered a heart attack, and I am so thankful my husband takes such good care of himself so hopefully he will be around for a long long time.  I feel l owe that to him too and to our future kids — having a great example and a great support system is helping me with something I have always struggled with.  I know my husband will still find me beautiful even 20 lbs more than I am now if I am making an effort to live a healthy lifestyle.  If I were 15 lbs skinnier but done through unhealthy means (ie diet pills, crash diets), he would not find that attractive at all.  For him, it’s about making health a priority and the impact that has in the rest of your life (ie energy, confidence,)  Of course, it doesn’t hurt that I dress hotter when I feel better about my weight than when I don’t 😉 

My point is, if losing weight is something you want for yourself, and your SO encourages and supports you in your goals in a healthy manner, that can be a really great thing.  But if he is holding the proposal over your head almost like a ransom payment, I don’t think that would work for me.  I wouldn’t feel accepted and that would really impact my sense of security in the relationship.  So ask yourself — which is it?  Do you feel this man loves you UNCONDITIONALLY and is trying to encourage you in your own goals?  Or is he controling you for his own objectives?  

Post # 41
Member
354 posts
Helper bee

@lalalinizzi – I think it is “in total agreement”

Post # 42
Member
7582 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

So basically he’s saying “If you lose the weight fatty I’ll marry you”

Studying for the bar and not smart enough to realize you are being abused. he’s not perfect he’s just controlling you and you aren’t willing to see it or deal with it. You are only excepting this treatment because you are insecure and feel like this is all you can get. I feel sorry for you.

Post # 43
Member
2738 posts
Sugar bee

I once worked with a guy who told me that he would break up with his girlfriend if she gained more than 15lbs. Before then, I always liked the guy, I thought he was pretty shallow but not really a control freak like that UNTIL he said what he said and he also said he’d broken up with a gf because she’d put on 20lbs and despite his ‘help’ she didn’t lose it (he suspected she didn’t love him enough to want to really lose it). Honestly, after that convo I couldn’t even look him in the eye again. I am 145lb and only 5’5″. I’m a size 4. You wouldn never guess based on the number on the scale but I work out a lot, eat healthy and lift a lot of weights. I wish you good luck with your future fiance but honestly, based on the couple of posts you’ve made on this issue, I think you should run the other way.

Post # 44
Member
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think this is ridiculous.  How can he say you’re beautiful/make you feel beautiful when he basically has told you to lose 10 pounds or this relationship’s not making it to the next step. I read this to my Fiance and he said “Wow, what an asshole….” then a few minutes later.. “..that’s really fucked up.”  

I’ve gained about 30 pounds off & on through college/into grad school (it’s been up & down.. gained 20, lost 15, gained the 15, lost 10, gained 20… really frustrating). I’m not huge by any means, but I’ve definitely got about 30 pounds to lose before I’m back to my ideal size that I was at the beginning of college when I first met my Fiance.  Has he ever once said anything about my weight? No.  He’s just told me I’m beautiful, sexy, etc… even now when even though I’m not seriously overweight, I still weigh more than I ever have in my life.  He’s very supportive (ie stopped buying processed snacks, will buy healthier foods at the grocery store even though he can snack on junk food all day & not gain a pound, when he picks up food for himself when he’s at the grocery store he’ll come home with yogurt and fresh fruit for me).  He’s encouraging, in that when I’m so sore 3 days in a row after working out, he motivates me to keep working out saying that I’m doing great & to stick with it & it’ll get easier the more I do it, etc…

It’s hard enough trying to keep a positive self esteem when you feel like you’ve got weight to lose, but to have the person you love & trust & who is probably your best friend, telling you that he’s not proposing until you lose 10 pounds?! What a nice way of showing how much he loves you.  Obviously you’re more attracted to your partner when they’re fit, but to tell them the reason they’re not getting married just yet is because they need to lose 10 pounds is seriously emotionally abusive, in my mind.  He’s making you think less of yourself, when what he SHOULD be doing as your significant other is encouraging you & BOOSTING your self esteem, making you feel like you’re the most amazing girl in the world… not the most amazing girl in the world only if you lose 10 pounds.

I dated a guy for 3.5 years before I broke up with him to be with my now Fiance.  When I first got to college, I’d say things like “I’m meeting a lot of guys here but I feel like a lot of them don’t compare to you”.  His response? He told me he couldn’t compare me to other girls because then he’d just find my flaws.  He’d bring up physical aspects of me that he didn’t particularly like all the time.  It made me cry.  Every time.  He knew it upset me, but as long as he apologized it was okay.  I justified his actions by saying he was great in every other way, and I loved him, and he wasn’t a jerk, etc…  I finally smartened up and stopped being so naive (not saying you are, by any means, but I definitely was).  I didn’t realize that there were other guys out there who would want to be with me who wouldn’t say such negative things.  And I know the mind games would have just gotten worse because nothing would have ever been good enough.

I’m not going to tell you to leave, but I can say I’ve been in a similar situation, and I can only wish you the best in this.  But, please do know that if you choose to do so, there are plenty of men out there who know how to treat a lady well.. men who aren’t superficial enough to basically say “Lose 10 pounds or we’re not getting engaged.”  The person you want to spend the rest of your life with should be someone who you know will stand by you for better or worse.. not someone for whom 10 pounds is a dealbreaker.

Post # 45
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
@sf_carrie: Wow… if that doesn’t put it in perspective for her, I don’t know what will. Being encouraging of one another and wanting the best for each other is a great foundation for a marriage. I hope she takes your post to heart. 

Post # 46
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I dont think your weight should matter but your outlook on health.  ARe you at a healthy weight?  You seem to be taking fitness and health seriously.  Do you eat healthy?  If you are commited to maintaining a healthy lifestyle the number on the scale should not matter.

What does matter is what you are eating and cooking and doing to maintain your fitness.  It sounds like you do take your health seriously and that is what he is looking for right?  If he is just looking for a number on the scale then he should date someone shorter than you.

I dont think it is shallow if his motivation for wanting you to lose weight is so that he can spend a long healthy life with you.  If he wants you to look like a super model, well, that is just ridiculous.

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