(Closed) Why I’m still waiting

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@JojoBee: W.T.F. 

Hon, if he’s this hung up on your looks NOW, what’s going to happen when you get OLD? You can lose ten, twenty, a hundred pounds. You CAN’T LOSE OLD. 

But listen to me. As someone who has a thyroid problem, I can tell you, there are things that life may throw you even before then that could make him cheat or leave. One can never have full mastery over what happens inside her own body. You may think you do now, but you never know what will blindside you. And you’re going to want someone who will be there to hold you if and when that happens, not someone who’s going to be dipping it in a 22-year-old because you’re just not making it hard anymore for whatever reason. Hate to put too fine a point on it, but I saw my mom go through this. It doesn’t end well.

Sleep with this guy all you want, but marry him at your own risk.

Post # 48
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

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@mwitter80: recognising that you are being abused has NOTHING to do with intelligence.  NOTHING. 

Post # 49
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I know that SO has had concerns about my weight with regards to health – but we’re not talking about a matter of 10lbs (or less than 5kgs in NZ). It is something I have asked for his help with – I was abusing my body with food to cover up a traumatic experience that I had in my teen years and I am at a point where I am putting extra pressure on an already injured knee. As such, I feel he’s probably held off proposing until now, when I’ve managed to get a handle on the emotional binge eating and I’m making active moments towards living healthily – to a point when he knows that when he says til death do us part, it’s unlikely to be of a heart attack in my forties.

Still, it’s about health. He doesn’t expect me to be a skinny minnie. When talking about goal weights and times, he doesn’t expect me to push myself. He would never be so pedantic about me weighing a specific weight. OP, I could side with your SO if you had 70lbs to lose and were self-harming with food (like I was) but I can’t side with him over this – as hard as it may be to hear, he’s being a total asshole.

Post # 50
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2011


run


Your Fiance seems very superficial. Why would he hold out on showing his true commitment to you because you are ten pounds “over”weight. It’s 10ibs! Personally, he shouldn’t even be talking to you about it — it’s personal, he should already love who he is with regardless of weight. What happens when you have a baby? you’ll gain weight for sure, is he going to mentally beat you up? or just leave you? He is NOT right for you if him giving you a ring requires you to loose weight. He isn’t perfect and he isn’t perfect for you. You my dear deserve much much better. Good luck to you… *hugs*.

By the way — if you are trying to make a decision, make it. Don’t think just do it. Because if it was me I could never ever forget why I’ve been waiting so long for a ring and what he said about my personal appearance in regards to our marriage.

Post # 51
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

SO what’s he going to do if you get pregnant and gain weight?  What’s he going to do if you get cancer and gain weight with the medication (like my mum did)?  What’s he going to do if you just decide that you don’t need others to validiate you and you’re happy with yourself the way you are?  is he going to love you for who you are or what you look like?

What if you get in a car accident or attacked and end up with a scarred up face?  What if you end up in a wheelchair?

I’d flat out ask him if he’s ashamed of you.  

 

Girl, you deseve better.  You deserve someone to shout from the rooftops that he loves you.  NO MATTER WHAT.

 

My mums husband ditched cos she lost her hair with cancer.  Is that what you want?

I’d ask him all those questions straight up.

Post # 52
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

I have an idea…

 

Just hear me out.

 

Don’t lose the 10 lb.  Just say you are going to stop.  See what happens. Tell him that you saw your doc and he said you’re perfectly fit and healthy and should stick where you are. I bet your doc would if you went to see him.  People have been known to fluctuate up to 10lb depending on their period.

 

Did he leave you or become pissed off with you?  Does he pass or fail the test?

Post # 53
Member
1726 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I almost can’t believe I’m the first person to throw this out there, but — is this for real?? I’m having a very hard time thinking someone would actually genuinely post this and not expect each and every single person to be absolutely appalled and respond with, “He is awful. You deserve better. Leave.” Am I alone in wondering this? :-/

OP, if I am totally wrong and you really have been brainwashed by this guy into thinking he’s worth marrying, much less earning a ring by pushing yourself to lose 10 pounds despite the fact that you already live a healthy lifestyle, I sincerely apologize. You need some support. But I hope you take to heart the fact that I’m questioning the legitimacy of this post as a sign of how utterly unacceptable it is that you are willing to continue this dysfunctional relationship.

Post # 54
Member
2857 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

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@littlemissmango: I sort of felt the same way. A first time poster coming in with this story sounds a bit fishy to me.

But if this is for real, OP, then you need to get the hell out of that relationship immediately. Your boyfriend is being hurtful, manipulative, and abusive, and I can’t imagine what else he’ll try to control if he’s already giving you ultimatums about your weight.

Post # 55
Member
2357 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I think your situation is definitely more about him not being happy with you physically and is too ashamed to say.

I say lie to him say you lost the 10 lbs and see what he says. Is he going to send you marching to the nearest scale, or give you another target? I think he has a mental picture of what he wants his partner to  look like and is trying to manipulate you to fit that mold.

You need to decide if he’s worth living your whole life like this. A man could never make me feel beautiful if he’s trying to change my looks. It just defies logic.

Despite this I wish you the best of luck!

Post # 56
Member
11373 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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@ScarletBegonia:

You are 100% right about that.  It can happen to any woman.  It’s more like brainwashing.

Post # 57
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Geez – I’ve fluctuated 10lbs by simply having my period – he needs to get past a number.  I’m built weird, so that my actual weight is always higher than I look, by about 15 lbs… that said, when I pick my “healty” weight as one I can maintain without being in starvation mode all the time, I picked on I knew I could reach without compromising my health, no matter what those stupid height/weight charts say… you weight is what fits your body, and your SO needs to accept that. If you’re busting your butt to lose 10 more lbs, what happens when you get the flu and can’t work out for a couple of days to weeks?  What about if you get injured?  Get pregnant?  All of these things will compromise your aility to maintain the “perfect” weight, and don’t even mention the simple fact that most people get heavier simply from aging. 

Maybe you should tell him you’ll continue dieting and exercising if he can promist nt to lose his hair – EVER.  You body makes some choices for you – a lot of factors determine your weight besides how much you eay/what you ea and how often you hit the treadmill – genetics play a big role. 

Post # 58
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Oh hunnie…. this is bad. I know you love him. And think he’s perfect. But you need to think long and hard about how this makes you feel. I’ve been with someone who made me feel bad about my body, and it’s horrible. You never feel “good enough” or “worthy”. And it is awful. If you don’t feel your 100% best with someone, then it’s not good. I know you don’t want to hear this, but you need to leave. His control issues will only get worse, as will your self-esteem. You’ll never feel good enough for him. Even if you lose those 10 lbs you’ll be in a daily battle with yourself to keep it off. And be perfect for him. This is not the future you want. My heart is literally aching for you right now. Please please realize that there is a man out there who will love you for you. And not care about your weight. You deserve to be happy about yourself. You deserve better.

Post # 59
Member
2738 posts
Sugar bee

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@littlemissmango: I felt that way too but being as this is WB and people usually give folks the benefit of the doubt, I thought to hold my tongue 🙂

Post # 60
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

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@littlemissmango:

I was kind of thinking it before, but now that she hasn’t responded in almost 24 hours and started this thread as soon as she became a member, I’m really thinking it. 

Honestly, how bored do you have to be

Post # 61
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

That wouldn’t be okay with me.  I’m not sure I believe you when you say it’s okay with you…more like you’re trying to convince yourself you’re okay with it. 

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