(Closed) Why is he being so strange about planning the wedding?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should i do

    Kick him

    Lock him in a room till the decision is made

    wait till it rains, lock him outside till he makes a decision..

  • Post # 3
    7321 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    Honestly, it sounds like he might be afraid of how much this is going to cost. Maybe he figures if it’s all within the “year” it won’t snowball out of control? He could also dread talking about wedding planning and figures this will buy him some time before having to deal with it all.

    Some guys know they want to be married, but they don’t want to *deal* with the nuts and bolts of a wedding right away. For some men they are afraid of change. He might want things to stay as they are for awhile longer before wedding mania and married life begin…

    I of course don’t know your guy, just throwing some guesses out there!

    Post # 4
    240 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Sit down with him and firmly tell him that when he puts you off like this it makes you feel like he doesn’t want to marry you at all and that it hurts to hear him talking that way. My fiance didn’t really want to do any planning for the wedding either and was making similar comments about not wanting to start planning or hear about planning. When he realized how his actions were really making me feel he stopped making those comments. Even then, however, I had to take the reins to choose a date and get things started.

    Post # 5
    131 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I would imagine that because he’s working so much, having the additional stress of planning out a wedding would seem overwhelming to him, as well as costly. I think I would recommend you taking the lead, and perhaps putting together a plan for everything, including a timeframe with financials. I know with me, my fiance is chief resident, and has so much going on with work, that for us it’s much easier for me to take over all of the wedding planning. Putting together a plan on how much we need to save per month, and what tasks we need to accomplish in what months and why we need to do it is a bit help on both end.

    Post # 7
    725 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    If you want to start planning, start planning. No one says that your DH needs to be 100% involved in every decision. Just tell him “I chose this. If you want something different, let me know.” That way, you either get what you want or he’ll be forced to give his opinion.

    My DH didn’t really want to talk about the wedding, because he really didn’t care about the details. If I tried to bring it up in generic terms like “what should our colors be?” or “what kind of flowers do you like?”, his eyes would glaze over. So I went about narrowing down all of the decisions to two options. Then I would to go him and say “this one or that one?” and he would choose. He said the only things that were important to him were 1) top shelf booze, 2) big steaks and 3) cookies instead of cake. So that’s what he got!

    DH still brags to people about how I planned a great party and I didn’t force him to get involved when he didn’t want to.

    Post # 8
    193 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    It kind of seems like he may be trying to stall a bit :-/ That may or may not be true but maybe you should start taking initiative. My FH has voiced his opinion about what he wants and doesn’t want here and there, but he has done nothing as far as researching venues so I took it upon myself to make the appts. If I left it up to him, it would never get done. It’s also possible that your FH has no knowledge about planning a wedding.

    I suggest you start taking initiative. Setup appts with the venues, and let him know.

    Post # 9
    3501 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    My Fiance keeps brushing off anything I say because its “too early”.  Better to do things when you want to vs waiting longer and having to rush.  I think men just dont wanna deal.  I think you need to put your foot down.  Make appointments, tell him about them, and tell him you will make a decision without him if he doesn’t get a bit more involved.  Worked for me.

    Post # 10
    4590 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    I honestly think it boils down to men don’t realize what it takes to plan a wedding, no matter how small. Also, that venues book up early, so you do need to plan certain things in advance. Maybe try telling him, “look, we need to set a date so that we can at least get a venue booked, which needs to be done now.  Once that’s done, I wont’ need your input again for another month or so to figure out catering, photography, etc.”

    It may just be that he thinks you want him to spend so much time that he doesn’t have. But, if you tell him he only really needs to spend a few minutes picking a date, then later on figuring out from a couple of venues, then later on other stuff, then maybe he will be more willing

    Post # 11
    497 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @RowieDrummond: To be honest, I don’t think guys generally like planning a wedding anway. I know whenever I talked about it for a while, Fiance would just roll his eyes at me lol. I think what you need to do is pick a date YOU want, then two or three “backup dates”. Do some research.  Put together a general timeline, and set up a budget/spreadsheet. Get a “ballpark” number for the amount of guests you want. Show him the details, show him this will be possible, and you will be able to pull this off financially. If I were you though, I’d have already started saving what I could for it. I hope ya’ll work it out.

    Post # 12
    1206 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    It kinda sounds like the problem may be bigger than just the wedding issue.  How would you rate your relationship?  Really good, just okay?  Are you equals and share values and opinions on other things besides the wedding?  Does he not allow you to talk about other things or else you’ll ‘get in trouble’?  It could just be he’s nervous or scared about the finances or something else but you really need to sit down and have a serious talk.  Make sure you do premaritial councelling since everyone should do that before saying their I Do’s.

    I probably just got lucky but my DH wanted to be right by my side most of the planning process.  He was excited and needed to be included.  There was no forcing him to help me.  He wanted to marry me and wanted to make the day special for both of us. 

    Post # 13
    2268 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    Sounds like a combination of things.

    1) fear over the cost – and/or not understanding what budget you’ll want or need

    2) fear over the changes

    3) stress/business/not wanting to handle another thing

    4) not understanding how long weddings can take to plan

    5) poor communication skills between the two of you

    Really, 1-4 can’t be tackled until #5 gets a revamp. Maybe ask for a meeting with him, let him tell you what time would work for you both to sit down and chat for real no skipping out.

    Then maybe write some things down. Some reassurance, some questions, what budget you’d like, a few dates that you’ve thought would work and reasons behind each. Think about some of the more complicated details and have your opinions and possible solutions laid out.

    If you want action, you can’t be passive yourself. Be clear and don’t get upset if you can help it and try to get him to see that you’re excited and not stressed or freaked out.

    Post # 15
    7382 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    DH drove me nuts when wedding planning.  He tried to be difficult as possible sometimes.  It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be married, but he wasn’t really into the wedding itself.  If I gave him something very specific (put these stamps on the envelopes) he was helpful.  If I asked him a question about what he wanted he purposely gave me silly, outrageous answers.  The day of, he had a great time.  Guys can just be extremely frustrating when it comes to the planning!

    Post # 16
    5166 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I think you need to agree on a date or atleast a month before you can really plan in earnest, because the wedding date,month and season play a big role in a lot of decisions that you make

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