(Closed) Why is he so bad with money?! [long vent]

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

well i am a mega control freak.. i hate not knowing what we have etc. when i first got with Fi he was in a lot of debt and i had to help him out of it. (by geting him better credit cards, andshowing him different ways of saving..also helping to pay for different things, which he did pay me back for.. we have payed off one 10,000 credit card, refinanced his mortgage, payed another 7,000 credit card off and also payed off his car, which was 7000. we are still paying off one credit card that was 6000 and have about 2000 to go.) its a pretty good effort for less than 3 years.

 So now i have control of both wages.. we have seperate accounts and we each get a certain amount of money each week (the same amount). the rest goes into other accounts. one is a savings account which we both have to sign on to move money out of and the other is for everyday things such as bills and other stuff which we both have access to.. so we each have an amount that we have to live off for what ever crap we want and we choose what we want to spend i on.. i always tell him how much money is in each account and we discuss what we are going to spen our savings on etc. ( i know it may seem like i have all the control but i dont. all i do is move money out of his personal account into a joint one. he doesnt like having to worrie about it) he doesnt worry about it at all. but it is important that if you have joint accounts with large amounts in it that you both have to be present to move or withdraw money. also the money that is joint that we spend on bills isnt a huge amount and it differs each week as different bills come in. was very frustrating at the begining but it works well now.. its just to easy of a temptation to use all the money in the account.. also get him to cut up his credit card! its not his money he is spending its the banks, and it costs huge amounts in interest! we only have one credit card that is to be used for in NEED occasions. and if he uses it for unnecessary things then it comes out of his next weeks allowance. it just makes it all fair. (we both get more than enough in our ‘allowance’ and neither have ever had to use the credit card.. it was just a deal we came up with to make sure we didnt use it for dumb purchases.. if i cant afford something i layby it..

he does earn slighlty more than me ($50 a week), but its not an issue. anyways hope you can sort something out.. and remember you dont have to save a huge amount for it to add up! 100 dollars a week is 5200 a year which is 52000 every 10 years.. (sorry for being so long) 

Post # 4
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m still at a loss why women choose men with habits that they cannot stand. I understand that you’re just venting, but for the life of me I just don’t get it sometimes. The only way that this will work is if you take the bull by the horns like Lizzie and take charge of the finances.  But before you marry him, make sure that you won’t resent him if he rebels agaisnt this after a short while or refuses to change any of his financial misgivings. Essentially, you know what kind of a prize you’re getting before you open the box.

Post # 5
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I know you are just venting, but there is no way I would marry someone under those circumstances.  You should not expect him to magically change once you get married.

Post # 6
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I have to agree with the others.  Usually habits don’t change when you are getting married.  I would wait a little while to see if he does change his ways abotu money before buying a house with him.  I don’t really trust when someone says they will cut back on spending in the future because of this or that, they always seem to come up with an excuse then about why they don’t cut back then.

Post # 7
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

To answer your question (are all men that bad with money) I’d say yes and no. I do think a lot of men act like that by default. When left to their own devices they’re prone to spending all their cash on gadgets and toys and not worrying too much about big purchases or the future. 

However, I think most of those men are generally willing to change once they find someone they want to commit to who holds their feet to the fire to do it. I know they say we can’t expect to change our men but I think this is one area where people really can and DO change. My husband was much like yours when we first got together and it drove me NUTS. He didn’t have credit cards (bc he didn’t trust himself) and he’d go blow all his money and then have like $9 to get him through the last week until his next check. Seriously would drive me crazy! I made it known very EARLY that it was not okay with me and I wouldn’t date someone so irresponsible. I sat down with him and helped him work out a budget (which he was just ignorant about how to do, he’d never even tried before) and showed him how if he was just a bit more careful he could actually save up for something big that he wanted (new car) rather than wasting his cash on dumb gadgets and dvds and then driving a crappy car. It totally clicked for him and he saved up and bought a great car the next year. Then he saved up and bought me a ring. Now he’s probably better at sticking to our budget than I am. 

The difference I think is that most guys (my husband included) are willing to grow up and become responsible once they realize it is important. Yours does not seem to be. If you’d already had these talks with him and he’s still acting so irresponsibly, I think you pretty much have your answer on how he is going to act for the rest of your lives. Why would you want to be with someone you don’t trust?

Post # 8
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I feel your pain! MY Fiance and his ex wife had no idea how to budget. They had vehicles repoed left and right were getting kicked out of places that they couldn’t afford anymore. Couldn’t hold on to jobs. Stupid stuff like that. I learned all that at a younger age and have since learned to keep my head above water.

We have joint finances and can certainly make things work as long as we stick to the budget. I have had to do the same thing where he gets cash only because if he uses the bank card he always goes over his alloted amount. We both get the same amount to spend per pay. When I say he goes over I mean like $300-400 a month over. (Neither one of us have great jobs so that is a lot) He will look in the bank account see money and spend, not thinking that the money is already budgeted elsewhere. I got so angry since the wedding is next month and we are $600 short right now that I put him in charge of the budget this month to see exactly what I go through every month on shifting money to pay bills at various times based against what is actually in the account.

We have been living together almost two years and combined our finances last year so this has been a struggle since then.  I will give him credit for steadily holding down a job and for the most part bills are paid when they should be. Unexpected things come up which is why we are in the hole right now, but somehow I manage to keep things afloat even with his overspending.

Post # 9
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

If you have already talked to him about it and nothing has changed, do consider financial counseling before you approach homebuying and especially before you tie the knot. For him it might take an outside party to realize that he can’t live the rest of his life like this. Don’t listen to his assurances, pay attention to his actions. It takes a great deal of discipline to change spending habits, it is something he really will have to commit to and be serious about.

Post # 10
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I feel your pain!  My Fiance is TERRIBLE with money!  He wants to be good with money, but does not have the detail-oriented mind to keep a mental monthly running tally on how much money he has.  How we make it work for us is that I control ALL of the money – both of our paychecks go into the same account, and I pay all the pills and decide how much money we have left over for fun stuff each month.  Granted, I do ask his opinion on money issues (i.e. “I think we should put this extra $100 into the savings – what do you think”) but 99% of the time he just agrees with me because he knows I am better with the money.  

Granted – this only works if you both just have shared accounts and if you Fiance is ok with handing over the control to you – but it is a situation that has been working well for us for the past 1.5 years since we moved in together – it might work for you too – good luck!

Post # 11
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

My Fiance is terrible with money as well.  To be fair he has had absolutely no example set by his parents.  They are currently going through their 2nd bankruptcy and a foreclosure (I still have no idea how they didn’t lose the house in the 1st bankruptcy but yeah…).

I do ALL the finances.  We combined accounts.  I pay all my bills and his bills.  His credit score is a mess but I am trying to build it back up.  If your Fiance is ok with you taking over the money, I suggest that you do it, because otherwise you are always going to be frustrated.

Good luck!

Post # 12
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

To answer one of your questions, no, not all men are bad with money. My Fiance and I are both conscientious ‘savers’ and it’s helpful to be on the same page about finances with your partner. We’ve found it helpful, as other bees have suggested, to have one person be the ‘point person’ for finances. It’s hard to have two people mucking with the bills – we keep files and spreadsheets that we both can see, but my Fiance does the vast majority of the financial planning. Maybe in your case, it would be best if you made the long-term financial plans (like with buying a house).

Have you had this conversation with your Fiance – that you’re concerned that he can’t save and spends his money on frivolities while you’re paying the expenses for the house? It worries me that he says that he will cut back when you have kids, but generally people need to plan and save long before actual kids come along. Does he have any retirement savings or plan? 

Maybe a visit, with both of you, to a financial planner is in order.

I hope everything works out, best of luck!

Edit: Just saw MsJeep also suggested a financial planner. So… really, I just agree with MsJeep. 🙂

Post # 13
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

oh yeah…

Fiance is terrible with money, but he is willing to admit it.

I took control of our money and I was feeling guilty about it after his last bonus check came… because this time instead of asking, I just straight out said “Alright, we both need new work pants and shoes… one pair for each of us and the rest of the money is going straight into the saving’s account.” and he said “but i wanted to get a DVD” so i told him “well, you can get a DVD instead of shoes, but it’s an either/or choice.”

When I later apologized for being so bossy, he said it was okay because he would have nothing saved if it were up to him.

Post # 14
3943 posts
Honey bee

Ya, I control the money in our relationship. Fiance admits that he is terrible with money and I am a control freak so it works for us.  We have a mint.com account that we both look at and talk about our spending, every couple of weeks. But I pay the bills, and things like that. And for big purchases, we discuss and make decisions together.


Post # 15
7403 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think you have received some good advice. In my case its my FH is excellent with money and so are many of my male friends. So I don’t think the sterotype is correct that its mostly women that save. Cause most of the women i know are horrible with money.

I do agree with PP that habits don’t change after marraige, so if you are having this much trouble now, chances are its not gonna get better.

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