Why is he so dense?– vent

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
2091 posts
Buzzing bee

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SVandy60918 :  bee, FWIW I know it’s probably hard to hear internet strangers throwing out harsh words (like “abuse”) can cause you to put up your walls and double-down in defense of the partner you’re complaining about—trust me, I’ve done it. however, I hope that everything we’ve said causes you to take a step back and see things for what they seem like from the outside looking in. 

what would you tell a friend in this situation? what would you think if your sister told you that her husband smashed a phone against a wall after she defended herself in a disagreement that *he* started? it wouldn’t look so good, no?

anyway, all i really hope you get from our harsh responses is the ability to see how these things are perceived, and hopefully make informed decisions moving forward on how to handle these issues. it is not normal for a grown man to physically lose control due to his emotions (which were an extreme overreaction in the first place). regardless of whether the physical lashings-out are for intimidation or otherwise.

Post # 32
860 posts
Busy bee

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happiekrappie :  Agree with this sentiment. I don’t know what is normalized behavior to you, OP, but breaking phones in a “tantrum” over words is not standard behavior. It is destructive, acting out, and shows poor management of his emotions.

You did nothing wrong by stating that you can support yourself financially without him. Everyone should strive for this. And it is a greater compliment to him that you are with him because you choose to be, rather than “have” to be. His insecurity translated that into something else.

I think you might want to evaluate your FI’s behaviors and consider suggesting he work through coping skills with someone. Stress shouldn’t tear you apart as a couple. You absolutely NEED to be able to lean on your partner for support or have your partner’s back when in stressful times.

Post # 33
13897 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Except that “1%” of the time is much more significant than you realize. Anyone can be a good guy when things are going their way. The true test of character IS in the hard times.

Abusers don’t start out physically hurting their victims. They can be generous, warm, charming and fun on occasion or they would not have victims to abuse. But the behavior usually escalates over time. As others point out, life brings with it stress, obligation and responsibility, and only gets more complicated, not less. 

I’m glad he’s getting help and has come a long way in some respects, but his past and his PTSD should never be an excuse and you should not tolerate this behavior. Personally, I would be out. . 

Post # 35
11013 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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notmeeither :  

This is a really excellent point.  I don’t even have to indulge in gender stereotyping to say that a big source of relationship anxiety for men is precisely what you’re talking about.  How do I know she’s with me for me or because I could be a meal ticket someday?

They don’t usually say it out loud, but, it’s there, running in the background.

A healthy, secure man, with good ego strength feels relieved that his partner has the ability to be self supporting. He needs to know that if something happened, his partner, and especially his partner and the kids would be ok. No man worth being with cultivates dependency.

Nor does a healthy man feel resentment about his partner’s success. He feels proud, not threatened.  

Post # 36
259 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

He threw his phone out of rage while you were trying to have a simple conversation? Or you were both yelling and both getting heated? There’s a massive difference.

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