(Closed) Why is it always me? Very long vent!

posted 6 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Wow! sorry you are dealing with this! I would definitley stop being the one to give in. I would let him know that something seriously needs to change! I am sure messed up sleep schedules aren’t helping things either. I would ask him to maybe write down some ideas to maybe communicate better and set aside some quality time, and then you write down some too. Maybe together you guys could figure out a way that works for both your schedules. Make sure he understands its a two way street though. If he is dedicated to you he will set aside some time for you guys. Anyways, def. let him know where you stand and how you feel! or nothing will change. good luck! Smile

Post # 4
Member
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with the pp… this should be a 2 way street!  He should be setting aside some PRIME time to talk to you and not just giving you the sloppy seconds of his time.  My husband and I were 9 hours time difference while we were dating and while both of us went out and did stuff, we both made sure to set aside some time for each other at least once a week.  We were (and still are) each other’s number 1 priority and that (to me) is how it should be.  Nothing wrong with doing stuff without each other at times, but you shouldn’t be left feeling like you are the only one sacrificing.

Post # 6
Member
9483 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

@ladyartichoke:  (hugs) I can imagine how difficult this is for you.

Post # 7
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@ladyartichoke:  I  understand trying to keep busy. When I went to greece for a couple weeks to study abroad, Fiance and I set scheduled times to talk. Each conversation ended with us having already agreed on the next time we would talk. We didn’t get to talk every day, and I had very little control over my schedule (we had lots of day trips with like a day’s notice) and he was unable to call me, and I couldn’t check email. The way we got through it was setting up the next time we would talk at the begining of the conversation, and then chatting about our lives and giving updates. It worked well for us. I know that was a vent and you probably werent looking for advice, but thats one aproach that can work with busy schedules.

Post # 9
Member
11 posts
Newbee

how long do you guys have to be apart? seriouly if it’s gonna be 2-3 years…you better find a way to be together, otherwise.. you will lost the intamcy and he is gonna meet someone else….that’s how my Fiance ended his marrige with his ex…..

Post # 10
Member
724 posts
Busy bee

Guess we have a lot more talking to do…

You do not have more talking to do!  You’ve already clearly indicated you would like to speak with him more and given him suggestions for how this can be accomplished.  Any more now will be entering nagging territory (sorry, it’s true).    

Let me give you some advice I got when I was in an LDR and had similar problems.  Turn off your phone.  Turn off your computer.  Hide them both if you have to.  Then go out and do something for you.  Go to the gym, go shopping, catch up with old girlfriends, catch up on all that Walking Dead you’ve missed.  Focus on you.  Then, when you check in with your SO, have a cheerful, lighthearted conversation that does NOT last four hours and YOU be the one to end it, nicely of course (gotta go, I want to get to the gym and back before dinnertime.  Bye babe!).  If he’s not there when he said he’d be, no problem.  Don’t even bring it up.  Just go right back to focusing on you.  This will show him you have a life of your own and you are NOT standing by the phone waiting for him.  And it will show him he better get his act together.  If it doesn’t, then he wasn’t that into you in the first place and you’re better off without him.  

You’re not giving him the oppurtunity to miss you if you’re always at his beck and call and apologizing for sleeping in (WTF!).  Whenever my boyfriend is in a grumpy mood (rarely, but it happens), instead of talking to him about it, I take off for the day.  I go window shopping, have lunch with girlfriends, go to the library and get some studying done.  I do not answer my phone.  When I come back, poof, he’s his usual loving self.  Why?  Because he missed me.  Then, if need be, I can explain to him what he did that hurt my feelings and why that’s unacceptable.  

Personally, I think he sounds like a jerk, but if you want him to pay more attention to you, all you need to do is give him a taste of his own medicine.  Guarentee you’ll be happier because you’ll be living your own life and he’ll be happier because he has a chance to miss his girlfriend, which makes talking to her seem like something he wants to do rather than has to do.  

Post # 12
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@ladyartichoke:  I’ve been through this and it’s not easy.

I’m not sure if it’s easier or harder for either party.

I was the one “left behind” when my Darling Husband went abroad for 6 months, but that meant that I was still surrounded by all my friends and I was in the earlier time zone.

Darling Husband was working really really long hours, but he didn’t know anyone because he’d been transplanted to a new country.

It was so hard to find time to talk because when he was about to go to bed, I was just wrapping up work and he was at work long before I woke up in the morning.

We tried to touch base at least by e-mail every day and made sure we spent a fair bit of time talking every weekend when our schedules were freer.

We were also trying to our wedding at the same time.

I think it’s really important to agree on what is the “minimum allowable contact” per day so at least you are in touch. Even if it’s just a quick e-mail or 5 min skype session.

After having lived together, it was really hard to not at least talk every day. 

If I had a lot to talk about, I ended up defaulting to really newsy e-mails so that we could talk about bits and pieces when time permitted.

It was not ideal, but we got through it. 

I think it’s great that he’s keeping busy and I think you should try and do the same. If you don’t keep yourself busy, you will just be constantly worrying about him and/or nagging him to call you.

Right now, he knows you are “always available” and so if he misses a time to call it’s not the end of the world since you’ll be there later. 

Anyway, I’m here if you need to talk. Long distance, especially across multiple countries and time zones, is really hard.

Post # 13
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I had a similar situation as you. My fiance works from 2-midnight his time and we are 3 hours apart. Many times, he would wake up with only enough time to get ready for work and leave and since he carpooled, we couldn’t have a real conversation on his way to work. By the time he got home, I would be asleep because I have to get up early. We would rarely talk. I used to get so angry because there were times I would ask him to call me at 3am my time so I could talk to him, but I felt he was selfish because he couldn’t even wake up 30 mins earlier than usual to talk to me. We had A LOT of needless fights about this. We were both miserable. And I can tell by what you are saying, you are miserable too. I forced myself to stop caring so much. If we talk, we talk. If we don’t, we don’t. Eventually becasue I stopped making a fuss about it, he started wanting to talk to me more and more. He began waking up a little earlier and if for some reason we couldn’t talk much, I accepted it with no problem. We made up for all the talking we missed out on during the weekend when he was free.

 

It takes a lot out of you but try to stop caring about whether you talk or not. Stop making so much effort. If you happen to be awake and he is free, great! then talk. But don’t lose sleep by waking up early or in the middle of the night to talk to him especially if you are going to be disappointed. There will be times you will be fuming inside but just breathe and don’t let him know it. Eventually he will start wanting to talk to you and will realize the only way for it to happen is if he puts in the effort. If he doesn’t, well then you know he is not right for you. A relationship requires equal amounts of effort from both parties. Good luck!

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