(Closed) Why is it best to let the man bring up engagement?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2280 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Apparently we’re pushy and obsessive if we say anything? Eh. I can’t think of any good reasons, or at least reasons that don’t sound totally sexist.

Post # 4
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

i didn’t want to scare my guy away.

Post # 5
Member
2111 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I didnt want to preasure my Fiance. I wanted him to ask me when HE wanted not when I wanted. I didnt want the regret that I “made” him marry me.

Post # 6
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think it depends on whether you’re expecting him to propose, or whether you look at engagement as a mutual decision that you both come to together. If it’s the latter, then I think you guys can talk about it all you want. If you’re expecting him to propose however, talking about it all the time and questioning him on it puts a lot of pressure on him.

If you’re talking about just general marriage talks though, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with bringing that stuff up–it’s the specific when/how questions that I think make men a little twitchy.

Post # 7
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I can’t think of a good reason, because I’m not sure its better for one partner vs the other to initiate this conversation- so long as both are involved in an understanding and ongoing dialogue.  Maybe people are afraid of scaring the guy off, in case he’s not ready to discuss the topic?

Post # 8
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Honestly, tradition is the only reason I can think of.

Post # 9
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

Because the man is the one who typically pays for the ring. Only he knows when he can afford the ring. Us bringing it up to him only puts pressure on him and makes it worse when he really wants to propose, but doesn’t have the funds for the ring that he thinks we want.

Post # 10
Member
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Honestly I think that is a stupid tradition.

I think marriage should be talked about and discussed by both individuals before the decision to get married. If you want to bring it up… bring it up!

Post # 11
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

IMO…it was important for my Fiance to take all of the “first” steps in our relationship. I felt that if he were the one to tell me he loved me first, to ask for a commitment first, and then to propose to me without prompting…I knew he was where he WANTED to be. I didn’t want to pressure him into something as life changing as marriage. It needed to be totally his idea….since he proposed…I know that his scientist’s mind weighed all of the pros and cons and came to a conclusion that was not only based in love, but in a belief that we were truly compatible and meant to be together. It allows me to be totally secure…even when we argue…that he is exactly where he wants to be and is totally committed to me.

Post # 12
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hmmm . . . I’d say whenever either one of you has an idea that you’re ready for an engagement, that’s the time to bring it up 🙂  I think the only problem is if either one starts to pressure the other about it, or brings it up in a nagging sort of way.  If you’d like him to propose and for it to be a complete surprise to you, then I suppose discussing an engagement might spoil the surprise a wee bit.  However, I see no problem with bringing up marriage and seeing how you both feel about it.  Are you wondering more about discussing the specifics of a proposal, or about discussing marriage in general?  And is he the kind of guy who’d feel pressured by a talk about either one, or would he be happy to have a chance to see if you’re on the same page?

Sorry, I’ve just realized I haven’t answered your question at all!  I don’t think it’s always best to wait for him to initiate a talk.  I say talk to him if you want, because “common sense” doesn’t always work for everyone 🙂

Post # 13
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the woman being the one to initiate talks about possible marriage. There is a stereotype, which some might argue is often true, that women push men to talk about marriage before they are ready, and then proceed to force conversations about the topic throughout the man’s discomfort, to pressure him to propose. That’s probably the source of the advice you’re citing.

Any couple should enter into discussions about marriage in a mutually respectful manner, and as I said it does not matter who originally brings it up, as long as no one is pestering someone to advance in a relationship before they are ready.

Post # 14
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Based on some of the other comments, let me clarify that I view talking about marriage and talking about engagements as two different types of conversations.

To me, it doesn’t matter who initiates a conversation about marriage. Finding out if you both are thinking marriage and what your views are about marriage, etc is an important step towards there even BEING an engagement. My above response pertained to the actual engagement itself. Once my Fiance had a discussion about marriage, our value systems, if we each thought the other would make a good spouse, etc. we didn’t have multiple conversations about the engagement itself. I figured he would ask if/when he was ready and I could decide if I wanted to stick around and wait for it…ask him myself (which would mean not getting a ring b/c how is that fair that I ask and get a ring), or move on.

Post # 15
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think the basic reason is so that they don’t feel pressured and uncomfortable. In my case even though we had talked about marriage lots of times I held off talking about the engagment for that reason and so it was never brought up (very frustrating), so eventually I just “got over it” talked to him about it and within a few weeks we were engaged. Basically you have to know your guy, if it will make him “run” by bringing up engagement talk, you had better hold off…

Post # 16
Member
393 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

lol maybe cause guys are harder to commit????

i don’t think the ring has everything to do with it…..my husband still feels like shit about it but when he proposed he didn’t have a ring, granted we had a totally different situation than most people, and we had to RUSH like no other and get married, and 5 years later we’re doing the wedding….but 3 months after our marriage by law, i got a ring.

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