(Closed) why is my father being so horrible! am i wrong for my choice?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: so, was i wrong?
    yes! : (5 votes)
    10 %
    no! : (45 votes)
    87 %
    other (please explain) : (2 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2783 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I don’t think you’re wrong for choosing your stepdad…that is your decision to make. You should choose who you want to choose.

    That  being said, I think you could have told your bio dad in a much nicer way, and frankly you shouldn’t be surprised that he’s clearly upset and now lashing out about it.

    It sounds like you’re going off of a lot of what other people are saying….maybe you should sit down and have a conversation with your dad one-on-one.

    Post # 4
    Member
    901 posts
    Busy bee

    I think it’s your choice to have whomever you want walk you down the aisle, but why are you surprised that your bio father is upset? How do you think it will look to have everyone at your wedding know that he was denied the honor of walking his daughter down the aisle? People will be talking, you can count on that. I think most fathers, perfect or not, would feel pretty ashamed and embarrassed about that and would have mixed feelings about attending your wedding at all.

    And to add insult to injury, you actually asked to borrow money from him after you informed him that he wouldn’t be walking you down the aisle? That seems incredibly inappropriate to me. If anything, you never should have done that. You shouldn’t be surprised that your actions have caused so much turmoil.

    Post # 5
    Member
    3885 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I don’t think you made the wrong choice, but I do think your interactions with your bio father have been full of hurtful words and have a lot to do with the rift between you. I think some of the things you’ve chosen to handle by email really should have been done by phone or in person; remember that your father’s generation did not grow up with email and it is not socially accepted as an alternative to a phone call by many people of all ages.  So if you said mean thing to him (regardless of what mean things he said to you), then chose to have a delicate conversation with him by email instead of picking up the phone, it’s easy to see where he may have ended up with hurt feelings.

    Also if you accepted his money, be it $500 or $1000, and have not paid it back, that is adding fuel to the fire.

    If I were you, I would stop involving other family members and go apologize (in person if possible, but at a minimum by phone— you cannot have some conversations over email or text).  It does take two to tango; your father is just as much to blame for this problem as you are. But you can only control what you say and do, not what he says and does.  Ask if you can set aside hurt feelings for the wedding day, reminding him that he is an important person in your life, then actively try to repair your relationship over the long term.

    Post # 6
    Member
    310 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I put “other.” 1)I think you can pick whomever you want.  You could even not have anyone walk you if you wanted. 2)I don’t think you should have informed him via email.  It makes it seem like it wasn’t that important 3)I can’t tell when you asked him for money.  Was it before or after you told him he wasn’t walking you?  If after, I think that that was inappropriate.  You told him that you just wanted him to be there to support you and should have left it at that.  Why didn’t you ask your step-dad for that money?  4)I agree with what sara said…too much rumor/heresay.  You need to sit and talk with him. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    9954 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Agree with what the others have said.

    Honestly at this point in time, I think the best thing you could do is HAVE BOTH DADS walk you down the aisle…

    A lot here is going to depend on how your two Dads get along tho…

    The only other reasonable choice in my mind, is GO IT ALONE (no one walk you down the aisle)

    But then your Step Dad might be hurt…

    In the end you are between a rock and a hard spot… all because you didn’t talk this thru with the folks involved ahead of time, IMO

    I see lots of unnecessary pain because of that (and a lot of apologizing on your part)

     

    Post # 8
    Member
    102 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    You have the right to choose whoever you want to walkou down the aisle. But you need to let go of wanting him to be delighted and/or to validate your choices. You’re both locked into a cycle of resentment – step back and let it go. You can’t change how he feels.

    Post # 9
    Member
    103 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I’m on your side on this! Just because he’s your biological father doesn’t mean he’s entitled to walk you down the aisle if he wasn’t there your entire life! 

    Some men think that just because they were there financially that it makes up for not ‘being there’ and that’s just not the case!  

    He sounds like he got his ego hurt when you chose your step dad…  which is why he is being nasty to you now. That only goes to show how mature he is about the whole situation. 

    at the end of the day.. if he’s not HAPPY for you than he doesn’t need to be there.

     

     

     

     

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    1293 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    Sometimes, even family can be toxic to our lives. I’ve had to distance myself from my parents because of their immature thinking. I’m glad you do have family that is good to you. Stick with them, and life will be happier and brighter!!

    Post # 11
    Member
    2281 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    It doesn’t sound like his behavior is any different after your decision than it was before. So your decision didn’t cause him to act so ugly to you – he was already doing that.

    Clearly you chose the person who is there for you, over someone who has demonstrated yet again that he isn’t. I’m sorry he’s being awful to you. Do your best to lean on the people in your life to support and encourage you and let him go off and be sulky on his own.

    Post # 12
    Member
    304 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I think his behavior is evidence that you made the right decision.

    Post # 13
    Member
    149 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I don’t think that you were wrong. I’ve been putting some strong thought into whether or not I would want my father to walk me down the asile as well. Personally I would rather have my mom give me away because my dad left when I was 3 and he disappeared for years until i was in my teens at which point we attempted to develop a relationship he even footed my University bills fo which I am extremely grateful but like another poster said some things in life are more than about the financials it’s about the emotional and when I think about the moment where I’m given away all I can think is that I want the person who was always there for me through the good and bad the happy and sad and most of all the person who truly helped me to become the person I am today. Two people fulfill those criteria my mo and my grandma and to be honest I’d like them to walk me down the aisle. But my family is FULL of contention and I could already here the whispers about how ungrateful I am because he paid my school fees and I couldn’t even give him that honor. To be honest I’ve considered not inviting anyone from his side of the family since they’ve never displayed any interest in me all the years of my life. 

     

    Look all I’m trying to say overall is that weddings are a celebration of the lives that two people lives and the life that they are going to build together. And if anyone is trying to make your day any less than that family or not I say SCREW EM!

    The topic ‘why is my father being so horrible! am i wrong for my choice?’ is closed to new replies.

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