Post # 1
Some of you may remember my last post a while back about not knowing who to choose to walk me down the aisle, my bio father or step father. Just recently i chose my step father since hes always been there for me 100%. my father and i have a relationship, but not a perfect one.. myself and my sister only see him on holidays and sometimes birthdays.
i reached out to my bio father via email before i made my decision and told him that i wanted him to be there for me and be excited that im getting married, he ignored me. I know he received it because it was his work email and he is a business man. i just kind of let it go, but my younger sister (we are 14 months apart and its just her and i from my bio dad) for some reason decided to ask what his problem was. He told her that he never asked me to get married, so why should he have to pay for anything (i asked him once to BORROW $1000 for a deposit that i didnt have at the time and told him that i would pay him back in 4 weeks) and that if i cant afford to have the wedding that i want, then i shouldnt get married (we are paying for our own wedding with the exception of my mom giving us $1000 that she insisted on doing) he also said that he doesnt know why im making it a big deal and big wedding in the first place because Fiance and I have been living together for 6 years now and we have 2 children together (im sorry i didnt know i wasnt entitled to the wedding of my dreams because i live with my Fiance and i have children with him) and he stated that we should just go to JOP and do it that way. He also told my sister that he offered me $500 and i refused it because i said it wasnt enough money! (excuse me, but i am NOT some ungrateful little brat and refuses $500 because its “NOT ENOUGH MONEY” wow. this goes back to me asking to BORROW $1000 for a deposit that i was returning. when i asked he said “thats a lot of money to ask for dont you think? i can give you $500 but thats about it” i told him that anything helps and thanked him dearly. he never contacted me about giving it to me and he made me feel so horrible for asking in the first place, that i didnt ask again.)
after all that was said i felt he didnt care and if thats how he felt, he didnt deserve the honor of walking me down the aisle. so i told him, he got mad and hasnt talked to me since. i called him on his bday (all of this happened the weekend before) and he didnt answer. i then texted him and said happy birthday and he didnt respond THEN my aunt (mothers sister) said she seen him at a graduation party this past weekend and a friend mentioned that she will see him at my wedding. his response was “if im even invited, she hasnt sent me an invitation” i sent out invites on June 20th and so i texted him and said “hey dad, my tia mentioned that you didnt get your invitation i sent it to __________, is this not your correct address? his response “i got it”. okaaaay now im thinking in my head, so why are you telling people that i didnt invite you. but i just leave it alone.
basically im hurt.. idk why hes being so mean. was i wrong for choosing my stepdad over him?
Post # 3
I don’t think you’re wrong for choosing your stepdad…that is your decision to make. You should choose who you want to choose.
That being said, I think you could have told your bio dad in a much nicer way, and frankly you shouldn’t be surprised that he’s clearly upset and now lashing out about it.
It sounds like you’re going off of a lot of what other people are saying….maybe you should sit down and have a conversation with your dad one-on-one.
Post # 4
I think it’s your choice to have whomever you want walk you down the aisle, but why are you surprised that your bio father is upset? How do you think it will look to have everyone at your wedding know that he was denied the honor of walking his daughter down the aisle? People will be talking, you can count on that. I think most fathers, perfect or not, would feel pretty ashamed and embarrassed about that and would have mixed feelings about attending your wedding at all.
And to add insult to injury, you actually asked to borrow money from him after you informed him that he wouldn’t be walking you down the aisle? That seems incredibly inappropriate to me. If anything, you never should have done that. You shouldn’t be surprised that your actions have caused so much turmoil.
Post # 5
I don’t think you made the wrong choice, but I do think your interactions with your bio father have been full of hurtful words and have a lot to do with the rift between you. I think some of the things you’ve chosen to handle by email really should have been done by phone or in person; remember that your father’s generation did not grow up with email and it is not socially accepted as an alternative to a phone call by many people of all ages. So if you said mean thing to him (regardless of what mean things he said to you), then chose to have a delicate conversation with him by email instead of picking up the phone, it’s easy to see where he may have ended up with hurt feelings.
Also if you accepted his money, be it $500 or $1000, and have not paid it back, that is adding fuel to the fire.
If I were you, I would stop involving other family members and go apologize (in person if possible, but at a minimum by phone— you cannot have some conversations over email or text). It does take two to tango; your father is just as much to blame for this problem as you are. But you can only control what you say and do, not what he says and does. Ask if you can set aside hurt feelings for the wedding day, reminding him that he is an important person in your life, then actively try to repair your relationship over the long term.
Post # 6
I put “other.” 1)I think you can pick whomever you want. You could even not have anyone walk you if you wanted. 2)I don’t think you should have informed him via email. It makes it seem like it wasn’t that important 3)I can’t tell when you asked him for money. Was it before or after you told him he wasn’t walking you? If after, I think that that was inappropriate. You told him that you just wanted him to be there to support you and should have left it at that. Why didn’t you ask your step-dad for that money? 4)I agree with what sara said…too much rumor/heresay. You need to sit and talk with him.
Post # 7
Agree with what the others have said.
Honestly at this point in time, I think the best thing you could do is HAVE BOTH DADS walk you down the aisle…
A lot here is going to depend on how your two Dads get along tho…
The only other reasonable choice in my mind, is GO IT ALONE (no one walk you down the aisle)
But then your Step Dad might be hurt…
In the end you are between a rock and a hard spot… all because you didn’t talk this thru with the folks involved ahead of time, IMO
I see lots of unnecessary pain because of that (and a lot of apologizing on your part)
Post # 8
You have the right to choose whoever you want to walkou down the aisle. But you need to let go of wanting him to be delighted and/or to validate your choices. You’re both locked into a cycle of resentment – step back and let it go. You can’t change how he feels.
Post # 9
I’m on your side on this! Just because he’s your biological father doesn’t mean he’s entitled to walk you down the aisle if he wasn’t there your entire life!
Some men think that just because they were there financially that it makes up for not ‘being there’ and that’s just not the case!
He sounds like he got his ego hurt when you chose your step dad… which is why he is being nasty to you now. That only goes to show how mature he is about the whole situation.
at the end of the day.. if he’s not HAPPY for you than he doesn’t need to be there.
Post # 10
Sometimes, even family can be toxic to our lives. I’ve had to distance myself from my parents because of their immature thinking. I’m glad you do have family that is good to you. Stick with them, and life will be happier and brighter!!
Post # 11
It doesn’t sound like his behavior is any different after your decision than it was before. So your decision didn’t cause him to act so ugly to you – he was already doing that.
Clearly you chose the person who is there for you, over someone who has demonstrated yet again that he isn’t. I’m sorry he’s being awful to you. Do your best to lean on the people in your life to support and encourage you and let him go off and be sulky on his own.
Post # 12
I think his behavior is evidence that you made the right decision.
Post # 13
I don’t think that you were wrong. I’ve been putting some strong thought into whether or not I would want my father to walk me down the asile as well. Personally I would rather have my mom give me away because my dad left when I was 3 and he disappeared for years until i was in my teens at which point we attempted to develop a relationship he even footed my University bills fo which I am extremely grateful but like another poster said some things in life are more than about the financials it’s about the emotional and when I think about the moment where I’m given away all I can think is that I want the person who was always there for me through the good and bad the happy and sad and most of all the person who truly helped me to become the person I am today. Two people fulfill those criteria my mo and my grandma and to be honest I’d like them to walk me down the aisle. But my family is FULL of contention and I could already here the whispers about how ungrateful I am because he paid my school fees and I couldn’t even give him that honor. To be honest I’ve considered not inviting anyone from his side of the family since they’ve never displayed any interest in me all the years of my life.
Look all I’m trying to say overall is that weddings are a celebration of the lives that two people lives and the life that they are going to build together. And if anyone is trying to make your day any less than that family or not I say SCREW EM!
Post # 14
@RedAngelDreamer: I’m not surprised that he’s upset for me choosing my stepfather. I get that. What I am surprised at is how he was acting BEFORE I even told him my decision. All the nasty things he said in the beginning is what is hurtful. I understand how it will look, but that’s his fault for acting like he doesn’t care and leading me to want to make the decision to not have him do the honor. Also, I didn’t ask him to borrow money after I made my decision. It was back in October when we first got engaged.
@fishbone: I tried to tell him how I feel when wanting him to be there for me in person. Our schedules conflicted and he was usually too busy. since he handles all conversations with me randomly through email all the time, I thought I’d reach out to him that way. He still ignored me. I also never took the money from him. But if I did, I had full intentions of paying back. I don’t borrow unless I know I can return whatever I borrow. I’m not sure what kind if apology you think I owe him, but I definitely will not apologize for him saying and doing nasty things and me choosing not to have him do the honor on my wedding day if he clearly didn’t care.
@vivshanks: I didn’t inform him of my choice via email, I reached out to him telling him that I wanted him to be there for me via email. I did that months before I made my decision. I asked him to borrow the money before I made the decision. It was back in oct when we first got enaged
Post # 16
@This Time Round: Why would I want someone to walk me down the aisle who has said nothing but bad things about me getting married? I tried to talk this through with him and tell him how I was feeling before the decision was made. And he ignored me.. Yet I’m the one who needs to apologize? Am I missing something? I don’t get it 🙁
@Elegant_Oppulence: This is how my dad was, minus paying for school.. He never paid for anything but school clothes