(Closed) Why is my mother such a bitch? A fat daughter rant. (Ridiculously long.)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
3949 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ms.sara:  I just wanted to offer my support and say I get it.

My mother is the queen of projecting her own body image issues onto me and my sister, and I’ve heard similar comments, along the lines of “If I were DH, I’d be embarrassed to be seen with you” and all sorts of comments about my weight. I don’t consider myself fat, but that doesn’t  matter to her. She tries to claim that she’s being “honest” because she doesn’t want to lie to her kids or that she’s trying to “help.” I call it something else…

I’ve managed to curb it, but it’s going to destroy my sister one of these days if she doesn’t take control of the sitaution like I managed to. You seem to be in a very healthy place with your own self-view and I admire that.

My advice: You deserve to be happy on your wedding day.  If you can’t shake your mom from the pre-wedding activities, maybe find a buffer? I brought my best guy friend home with me a few days before my wedding – my mother’s manners and comments tend to improve when non-family people are present.

Post # 18
Member
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I know exactly what you’re going through. My mom is a size 4 and my grandma is a size 6, so they’ve always been commenting about my weight (my grandma even “surprised” me with one of those slimmers you wear under your shirt to “smooth out your lumps” yesterday) and they’re already starting on my ten year old sister. I find it infuriating. I’m fine with my weight and Fiance loves me how I am. In fact, the few times I thought of dieting, he told me I didn’t need to.

Yes, my dress is a bit snug, but the lady at the store said if I go up another size it will be too big (that’s something I never hear). So, I’m getting it altered a bit. Will I look beautiful? Yes. And so will you. Because, quite honestly, if you’re comfortable in your dress that’s all that matters. Yes, I’m sick of people asking me if I plan on losing weight for the wedding. To me, it’s absolutely absurd to lose weight for one day. I mean, you should buy a dress that fits you – not try to fit into a particular dress.

Rambling aside, good luck with everything and remember that if you love yourself, nothing else matters.

Post # 19
Member
776 posts
Busy bee

*hugs*

First, I think you’re f’ing awesome and you sound super fun and confident and I love that!

Second, I know how you feel about your mom. My mom is the same way. And I’m tiny! She just picks and picks at everything and sometimes it really eats away at my self confidence. The key is to not let it, and ignore it.

I think you’re gonna look amazing in your wedding dress! (I googled it) and you’ll be a fabulous and gorgeous bride 🙂

Post # 20
Hostess
5622 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m so sorry you have to do with these! I really don’t get some mothers these days. There are MANY mothers like this, including my own. When I was younger my mother would cut me down at every chance [and still does if I let her, i tend to turn it back on her now]. When I was in my teens, I was techincally “fat” by most standards, I was a size 12 , i developed a chest early [8 years old!]. She would always tell me that my friends were “late bloomers” and would be prettier than me when we were older. Seriously? Who says that to their daughter! That I should be ashamed of my body, that i my chest shouldn’t have been so big! I’ve since gotten older and learned that she wasn’t right, by any means. I look at my friends, and while they are all pretty, so am i. There wasn’t a single ugly duckling. I am currently a size 18 [let me rephrase, I don’t do that whole belly fat OVER the pants thing, that’s gross to have your gut laying out like that!]. Sure i could get into a 14 if i wanted and have my jiggles everywhere! But I don’t. Yes, I’m fat. Yes, I’m “healthy”. Yes, I know that it could cause health problems later in life. Yes, I’m okay with it. And my fiance loves me, and encourages me NOT to lose weight.

 

If you feel that your mother shouldn’t be around the morning of, then she shouldn’t be. You should not feel hurt on your wedding day. And your parents should open their eyes and see that they have a bright, beautiful daughter. If they can’t, then it’s there loss.

 

I wish you the best on your wedding day. And just remember, the moment your soon to be husband sees you, all dolled up and gorgeous while you walk down the aisle, none of the things you mother or father say can get you down.

Post # 22
Member
4685 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

@ms.sara:  first, your mother is a jerk and I wouldn’t even make it a discussion about the morning of. As in “I don’t want you there the morning of. period.”.

Secondly, you look awesome in your dress! its perfect and I happen to think it’s very flattering on you.

Post # 23
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013

You look absolutly gorgeous! That dress looks amazign on you! You’re mother is blinded by the opinion she has always had of you and herself and cant see how beautiful you really are!

Post # 24
Member
3330 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You look gorgeous! I think it’s a great dress for you, too :). I haven’t dealt with near what you have, but I grew up with a skinny mother and sister, and I know what it’s like to have the constant pressure. 

But honestly…there are sooo many different things that are worse than being fat! And I’m glad that you’re able to embrace that. I would seriously recommend you buy this book (“Toxic Parents”). It’s helped me so much. 

http://www.abebooks.com/9780553381405/Toxic-Parents-Susan-Forward-0553381407/plp

As for your wedding day, I wouldn’t let her in the room either. Just keep being honest and stand up for yourself. I wouldn’t worry about hurting her feelings at all. 

Post # 25
Member
7384 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@rachelmichelle:  Take it as a complement. I’ve only spent 5 minutes reading/listening to you, and I can already tell that you’re fabulous. 🙂


HA! I thought the same thing. 

View original reply
@stardustintheeyes:  +1 To all of what you said.

OP, your mother is an awful person. I can’t believe that either of your parents would say stuff like that. : It makes me happy to hear that you’re happy with yourself–that’s a rarity these days. ALSO, you look amazing in your dress–I love the dress, and you look good in it! I don’t care what you say–it IS flattering on you.

Post # 26
Member
1410 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@ms.sara:  First off, you look gorgeous in your dress. I don’t see flabby arms, I see an hourglass figure with great curves and a woman who should be confident to walk down the aisle in that. Your mother is going about this all wrong. She shouldn’t be projecting her insecurities and issues on to you because she sees some similarities. Berating you and tearing you down as you prepare for one of the most exciting days of your life is so. so. so. wrong. 

SO WRONG.

However, I am going to have to respectfully disagree with some Bees here, and echo what 

View original reply
@Rachel631: said. Humans are not meant to carry excess weight – our joints, organs, and systems are not develped to support or supply larger body masses. It DOES take a toll on you, though your exams and tests with your doctor come back normal. Please understand that I am NOT encouraging people to partake in extreme diets, develop eating disorders, or excersize to the point of exhaustion. I am an advocate for a healthy lifestyle and a constant movement towards becoming even healthier. One of the side effects, if you will, is weight loss. That might not be the ultimate goal, but I feel that as part of loving this one body you get, you should feed it the right fuel, give it a good workout, and enbrace your shape. No matter what it is!

Bottom line – focus on you. Improve yourself for you, however that may be. 

Post # 27
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@ms.sara:  Just think of all the positive things in your life, because you seem like a great person!and your dad is right the dress is nice, but thats because it looks great on you! any dress can be “nice” but until it is on the right bride, it will never look as good! you look great.

i can’t imagine parents treating their child that way, and i am so sorry you have to deal with that. i think your parents may be worried about health and things like that and just do not know how to say it without coming across as jerks. you should tell them to work on that!

 

 

 

also you could always loose the weight, your mother cannot change her personality!

 

Post # 28
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

You look great in your dress!!!!  Your figure is very well-balanced (hello nice boobies!) and it really really flatters you.

As for your bitch of a mom, you should absolutely bar her from your dressing room as you’re getting ready the day of your wedding.  It’s a bit of a harsh move, but she is a nasty harsh lady and that’s NOT the sort of energy you need around you as you get ready.  Tell both of your parents that unless they can be supportive, and obviously they can’t, they are not allowed to taint your wonderful day with their negativity.

I really really admire your positive attitude.  There are some basic truths about healthiness and weight, but it’s much more important to be overweight yet HAPPY than constantly striving for something and be miserable and have a low-self-esteem.  (I hope that doesn’t come across as offensive!)

Good luck  xoxox

Post # 30
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My heart is so hurt for you right now. I just posted something similar. My mom and dad’s comments about fearing me from fat actually caused an ED which thankfully I am now (mostly!) recovered from. I still don’t get why my mother doesn’t get she cannot make mean comments to me!

I don’t even know what to say about your father, I am blown away. I believe it is totally acceptable that she should not be there while you’re getting ready. I’d encourage you to tell her soon that she’s not welcome in the bridal suite. I say this because unfortunately people who say THOSE kinds of things (and all mean things!) just do it. You can tell them until you’re blue in the face to STOP making the comments, at least on that day, and they just won’t….because it’s just what they do! It’s not right, but it’s not worth the risk of feeling hurt on such a happy day.

Huge hugs to you. I’m thinking about you. And I’m in a similar position. Because my wedding is so small I’ll probably just get ready alone. : ( Better than being commented on.

Post # 31
Member
2187 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

You look absolutely lovely in your wedding dress! You do not need sleeves! And I agree with PPs – your Mother should definitely be barred from the bridal suite! Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and as a PP noted, your figure IS well-balanced. Try to ignore the negative comments from your parents and focus on your wedding and happy marriage!

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