(Closed) Why is my mother such a bitch? A fat daughter rant. (Ridiculously long.)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
2946 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Va. Va. VOOM. 

Eff your parents. The day before the wedding, you can tell your mom that you’re feeling stressed out over the details or some bs excuse like it and say that you’re just going to have your Maid/Matron of Honor with you in the bridal suite. Either that or send her on some ridiculous errand  or give her some place-based job to get her out of the way. I have the same kind of relationship with my parents, and believe I’ve become quite expert on keeping them away from me at important times.

Post # 33
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@ms.sara:  I am so sorry to hear about your batshit crazy mother! I’m also fat (size 18) and proudly NOT losing a single pound before the wedding. I was thinking of saying you should give an ultimatum, like “If you can’t say anything nice, I don’t want you with me before the wedding.” But frankly, if it were me, I’d cut them from the wedding. Hell, maybe you should cut them out of your life. Nah, that’s a bit harsh…but seriously, if they can’t accept you for who you are (and you’d think they’d have gotten used to it if you’ve been heavier your whole life), you don’t need em. Simples!

Post # 34
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

@ms.sara:  This day is about you and your fiance. Anyone that tries to bring you down…send them on their merry way! i’m sure you’re fiance loves you and thinks you’re smokin hot just the way you are. I’ve found that people who put others down, are generally so miserable with themselves that instead of addressing their own problems they point out other people’s. Don’t let her get to you. I would feel sorry for her for being so negative and critical. Remember these are her ISSUES not yours. This isn’t about your weight. It’s about her need to control you and put you down. I know it’s easier said than done but don’t take it personally because it isn’t personal. Her issues not yours! This is the one day in your life all about you so I don’t think you should have anyone there that isn’t loving and supportive. There will be other days in your life where people can guilt you into doing what they want but this one day is about what you want. Screw ’em! Smile

Post # 35
Member
879 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

View original reply
@ms.sara:  Wow, that is a beautiful dress! And you look equally beautiful in it! I’m so pleased you’ve got the confidence to stand up to your mother. Now, stop sending her photos and limit her contact with the dress. It’ll make it a lot easier, trust me. X

Post # 36
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

First- you look beautiful in your dress and you aren’t fat like you said you are. Those are some lovely woman curves! Two, your mom is jealous that you are so happy and confident as you are.

There is a girl who I used to be friends with and she’s put me down in every way possible even though she always got straight A’s without effort (claims, never actually saw her grades) while I really had to try hard to earn A’s, was skinner than me even though I weighed less, was taller than me, was better at athletics etc etc but you know what? I was always so damned happy even when my life hit the fan and she was always freaking miserable. Also I felt like she wanted to be with my now fiance even though he and her boyfriend used to be best friends. We had a huuuuuuuge falling out some years back so the guys never talk or hang out, but that’s another story. It’s actually taken me three years to realize she was just jealous of me and putting me down was the only thing that made her feel better about herself. Sorry I made this about myself, but I think your mom is doing the same thing to you. She’s projecting her anger onto you and wishes that she could be as happy and healthy as you are. I hope your wedding day will be fabulous and a half and try not to let your moms comments bother you. You’re aware that something isn’t quite right in her head so just remember that. I’m sure she does’t really mean what she says. She just has no idea how to deal with herself, unfortunately. Cheers to you for not letting her ruin your self-esteem. More women need to be like you.

Post # 37
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think I would go so far as to call you “fat.”  To me, “fat” usually has connotations of “round.”  You don’t really look round.  Or maybe that’s portly… I don’t know.  Either way, are you healthy?  Do you have a healthy lifestyle?  If so, that’s the most you can ask for.  Not all of us can make it down to a size 2.  You look about like you’re close to a pure endomorph as far as body type goes, I’m guessing, large bone structure, just looking at your wrists and hands.  That’s not a bad thing, it’s just a different body type.  Now, if I’m wrong, I apologize. 

Everyone should be comfortable in their body, and it’s great that you are.  If you’re healthy, and you have a healthy lifestyle, tell your mother that that’s what matters, not your actual weight.

Post # 38
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

WTF is wrong with your parents? I’ve seen your pictures and you look beautiful. From the way they’e carried on, I expected to see someone significantly heavier stuffed into a wedding gown. I do not see ROLLS OF FAT – I see an attractive body shape into a well-fitted, attractive dress. It’s a shame that your parents don’t see that.

Fat-shaming has grown so large in our culture…it’s absurd. And I know where you’re coming from: I was once morbidly obese and it was the only thing anyone wanted to talk about. I got a little garbage from my parents, but mostly from my grandma, who would chastise me every time she saw me eating something unhealthy. Or, well, if I even walked in the room.

And I’ll especially never forget the way she congratulated me after I lost 60 pounds. “Well,” she said, “Maybe the boys will like you now.” 

Then you lose a bunch of weight and people act like you’re God. They treat you so differently, so much better. It should be embarrassing to those people. They should be humiliated to act the way that they do. But unfortunately, it’s often culturally reinforced. We have such an attitude of, “Your weight is in your control!” as though it’s easy.

Losing weight and exercising has been, at least to me, a constant game of vigilance. Wedding planning is stressful enough. On top of that, it’s your body and you get to decide how you’re going to live in it and handle it without heckling from somebody else – especially your own parents.

OP, it sounds like these people have been toxic to you for a long time. Your dad’s response is telling and very controlling. If he weren’t paying for so much of the wedding, my advice to you may honestly be, “Maybe it’s time to exclude your parents from your wedding,” as painful as it may be.

My best course of action for you is just to avoid them as much as you can. The bigger the wedding, the easier this will be. One would hope a mother would not have the audacity to insult her daughter on the wedding day, but then again, stranger things have happened…and that’s very sad.

 

I’m sorry to hear abotu the damage your parents have inflicted on you. If nothing else, the way to inspire change is NEVER to criticize or bully someone into doing so. And it’s time to lay off when they make it clear they’re happy as they are.

Post # 39
Member
24 posts
Newbee

My mom has struggled with her weight forever. I think she looks beautiful, but she’s always down about it. As a result of her (unfortunately) life long insecurity, she tends to pick on me a lot about weight, appearance and I am slender, if not underweight.

Believe me when I say that it has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with her! My mom makes hurtful comments often enough that our relationship is a challenge, but I love her and want her to be a part of the wedding process.

So, I try to remind myself that it’s her issue, not mine…and for good measure (to balance out her negativity) I’m planning to bring along my very cheery and bubbly Future Mother-In-Law, etc for dress shopping and other activities where I might need extra support.

I think you look gorgeous and if you’re comfortable with who you are, why should she want you to change? Oh, mothers!

 

Post # 42
Member
2605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m a little late to the party here, but I simply had to chime in to say GIRL you got your SHIT TOGETHER!  You’re successful, you’re obviously very well-spoken and self-aware, you have a man who loves you, and that dress looks amazing on you!  Look at your little waist and your gorgeous cleavage!  Beautiful!

Whatever your mother’s reasons for being so critical (be they concern for your health, a desire to see you succeed at weightloss when she didn’t, or that she’s an actual bitch) you simply cannot allow negative energy to ruin your day.  

Don’t tell her which room you’re staying in.  Invite your girls to your room for mimosas and primping, have a GREAT TIME.  Meet her just before the wedding for a few mother/daughter shots if that’s what you want to do, or skip it alltogether because traditional pose-y pics are tired anyway.

 

Post # 43
Member
758 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@ms.sara:  Love love love you in your dress! You look so beautiful!!  And what a great dress choice!

Post # 46
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@ms.sara:  Okay, so I’ve been fairly emotional lately (damn women stuff), but after reading your post and then seeing your picture, I teared up. You will be a seriously gorgeous bride!

I am glad that you love yourself for the kickass person that you are. I’ve been lurking all these mother posts lately because of my problems with my mom. She has been rude and made me uncomfortable my whole life because she struggled with her weight, while I didn’t. She even brought my sister into it and encourages her to shame me over it. My point being… this is a problem with her, NOT with you. Her feelings about her body would have been taken out on you regardless of what body you came with. You sound like an awesome, accomplished woman that is going places with your life and happy with yourself. Keep crushing that 2% of doubt down.

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