(Closed) Why is not ok to be angry/disappointed with no-gifts and no-shows?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m on your side.  Both of those things are irritating. 

Post # 4
585 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I never understood why its not okay to be disappointed. i was when i saw some of my guest didn’t give us even a card! especially my cousin! i was very surprised to see that it is unacceptable to even be a little upset. but people have their own opinions i guess! the trick is to state our opinions if they are different in a nice not rude way. 

Post # 5
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Yeah both are irritating.  Particularly the second.

I think sometimes the gift issue is either they’re young and don’t know, or embarrassed that they can’t afford something nice.  I know I fretted and worried once when we literally had NOTHING to give so we got a nice card and that was it.  It was silly, but I was all worried my friend would be angry!

Post # 6
1934 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m with you, as well.  I’m an encore bride, and at my previous wedding we had 6 people RSVP yes, and not show up.  At $150 per plate, this was $900 wasted!  And none of them had a reason, or sent a gift.  Thanks, guys!! Ugh.  So annoying.

Post # 7
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m still irritated by some no shows.  To me that is legitimate, because that is something that (barring emergencies) most people can easily control.  Not bringing gifts on the other hand I feel differently about because some people have already spent a lot of money to come to the wedding, or just might not have very much.  So I think that is a little different. 

Post # 8
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

While I agree that it’s okay to be upset at both of these things, they are also two different things.

1) No-shows when you RSVPd yes is rude, unless there are serious extenuating circumstances (although you should really try hard to contact the bride or someone to let them know that you aren’t going to make it as soon as you can).

2) Being disappointed that you didn’t get a gift is natural, but wanting to contact people to ask them WHY they didn’t get you a gift is greedy. Think about it: if you had someone come to you and say, “You showed up at my wedding but didn’t get me anything?!” wouldn’t you be offended?

Post # 10
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I was disappointed, I admit it. Something like 25-30% of our guests didn’t bring a card or gift. I see marriage as this huge life changing event, so I can’t imagine not bringing someone even a 99 cent card to celebrate it. It’s totally ok (and probably natural) to be disappointed, no matter what anyone claims. :p I would never go ask these people about it though – it’s not my place. I also don’t think it’s ok to hold a grudge. Momentary disappointment, sure, but I got on with my life.

We also lost about $900 (food, drinks, chairs, centerpieces, cupcakes, etc) on no-shows that RSVP’d yes and then didn’t show up. Only 2 came to us afterwards or called beforehand. Never heard from the rest, thanks guys! That was a LOT of money wasted, and I wish I hadn’t been so naive about no-shows and adusted my numbers accordingly. I wasn’t disappointed, I was flat out pissed off at the amount of money we lost!

Post # 11
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I don’t think no-shows are acceptable, and I haven’t seen where anyone on here would say so (unless there was an emergency).

Post # 12
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree. I think it’s perfectly okay to feel angry or disappointed. Especially when at most grocery stores they have either a fifty or ninety-nine cent card rack. You’re certainly not going broke to buy that card. I don’t expect gifts, but I think a quick note wishing the couple well is something I expect. And not showing up, but RSVPing yes is just plain rude & a waste of money. Obviously if there is some sort of emergency it’s a different story, but most of the time that’s not the case.

Post # 13
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being disappointed if you don’t get a gift. I do think it’s rude, however, to then go around calling your guests lame and asking advice for how to contact these people and either point out that they didn’t give a gift or ask where the gift was. There are some exceptions like if you know 100% that somebody got you a gift but it never arrived, but for the most part I think it’s something that should just be let go. Be disappointed, sure, but move on – don’t dwell on it or call people out. I’ve gone to a wedding before where I didn’t bring a gift because we literally could not afford one…even getting a card would have been a stretch. 

Post # 14
788 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Its fine to be disappointed – that’s a feeling that you can’t help. I would be upset/angry if someone RSVP’d yes and then did not show without a darn good reason. As for the gifts, well I’d be less upset about that. Maybe a bit disappointed. I certainly wouldn’t ask. I’m inviting people with zero expectations. If we get gifts, great. I mostly just want them to come. I’d be pretty sad if they didn’t show after saying they would.


Post # 15
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Being hurt or disappointed is ok.  Acting like a child about it is not.  This is one of those times in life where you have to put on your big girl pants and be a grown up.  Disappointments happen, and you have to learn to deal with them gracefully.

As for the no-show people, well they are being rude (unless there is a legitimate situation that comes up) but it’s not ok to be rude back to them. 

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