Post # 1
Ok, Fiance and I had a situation this weekend where I just wasn’t in the mood. I’ve been sick for like 6 days, the house was a mess, work and then throw 2 kids on top of that and I just wasn’t interested. So, yesterday I start to sense that he’s not happy about something. We do this “What’s wrong/I’m fine” dance for most of the afternoon.
Finally, I asked what the problem was more forcefully and he blurts out ” I don’t feel like you are sexually attracted to me enough”. Ummm WHAT?!?!?!
Ok, I know I was sick and didn’t really want to “bump uglies” for a whole week but where does that translate into me not being Sexually Interested?? He’s WAY more sensitive about this stuff then I am! He continued on that he feels rejected and then says he couldn’t hide how he felt anymore after Saturday night when I went to be without kissing him good night. Really? He said I told him I loved him and then just went up stairs without kissing him. I don’t even remember that!
I got mad and just said that I wish sex wasn’t such a big damn deal. I don’t see what the major problem is. We normally have sex a couple times a week. Well, I was really sick last week and my body was just blah and I didn’t feel very sexual and I thought I had explained that to him. But, instead, he feels like I’m not interested and then feels rejected.
I’m just really frustrated and I guess I just needed to vent and ramble on a bit. We talked it out and had some “realtions” last night but I almost felt like I was just going along because I didn’t want him to feel bad. But, in all honesty, I’m just wore out and can’t “get there” as often as he can right now.
Post # 3
That’s life, and hopefully he’ll come to understand that. We’ve gone to both extremes…sometimes not doing it for a few weeks, and sometimes doing it numerous times a week. It’s all about how you feel and what you have going on in your life. If you’re not feeling it, you can’t force it! If you were sick, that’s completely understandable. A relationship should be based on much more than physical attraction, although it is very important.
Post # 4
Try for a minute to put yourself in his place. We women are always complaining that men don’t talk about how they are feeling. Then, when he does, you jump all over him.
Sounds like you worked it out, which is good.
Post # 5
Fiance does the same thing to me sometimes. It makes me incredibly frustrated.
Post # 6
@julies1949: Oh you are totally right. I caught myself not really understanding where he was coming from and then I did that hypothetical step back and realized I’ve been there many times. But, I also thought that maybe I had just started taking all of his affection for granted. Like it is always there so me not being interested isn’t that big of a deal. But, didn’t really look at the fact that he wants to feel sexy and wanted just as much as we do.
We def talked it out and I understand is point of view better.
It is a very important part of a relationship and most of the time we are great but this past week or two wasn’t wonderful for us in that area.
Post # 7
I once took a survey among my girlfriends. a couple times a week is pretty normal for a couple who have been together for more than a few years! and my survey was taken among people who don’t have kids and have plenty of free time!
try to keep an open dialog about sex. I was worried that 1-2 times per week wasn’t enough for my man. I spoke to him about it and reminded him that getting in the mood usually doesn’t happen as often for women. he understands. I occasionally check in with him to see if he’s still happy with our sex life.
Post # 7
Im with you! Fiance does the same things…. he gets screaming mad if he doesnt get it at least 3 times a week…. which right now I work full time (M-F) I have a grad class Mon & Tues night til 8pm – get off at 3 and go straigh to class til 8 then come home to get my 3yr old ready for bed, Wed & THur I tutor til 5 and come home to do hw, take care of the house, dinner & all then by the weekend I want to relax- He didnt have sex til college & was never a very sexual person but I have a 3yr old, Im just at a different point in my “sex life” than him I guess because I just dont care either way anymore…. He says im not showing him I appreciate him or love him when I dont think sex is a way to show those things anyways! It is SOOOOO frusterating. Sex just isnt a priority when I have a million things going on! He got mad that my parents needed help with something at 10pm on a Sat night (he had to work Sun for over time so went to bed around 10) – got mad bc I went to help them instead of saying no so I could then go lay in bed, give him some then go help??? UGH I duno what to do either!
Post # 8
My ex used to guilt me into sex. It was horrible and I’d feel so used after.
I think men equate us wanting sex to how hot we find them. Um sorry. Sometimes I just feel fat.
Post # 9
This stuff is hard to work out, but there will be times in life when you are interested and he isn’t. I would try to have a conversation where you are understanding about how he feels, but make your feelings clear too. If he was just feeling hurt its fine for him to share that, but if his intention was to make you feel guilty or bad for not having sex- thats unacceptable. Guilt-complex sex sucks.
Women often feel “responsible” for their partner’s happiness, especially when it comes to sex because of how we’ve been socialized. If you aren’t in the mood, say so, and move on. I try to do this & if he’s upset I still sometimes feel guilty, but I never have sex just because I feel bad for bumming him out. He’s an adult and can deal with being rejected every now and then.
Post # 10
@SoontobeMrsA:OMG I’m always telling him I’m just feeling fat and of course I get the ” you’re not fat, you’re perfect”. Well, news flash, if I can’t sit comfortably in my jeans without unbuttoning them then I’m having a fat day! That isn’t going to change into a “I feel sexy day” lol
@emersynsmommy35: I totally relate on the busy schedule,…. I have a 7yr old and 4yr old and Fiance that isn’t able to drive due to a vision issue. So, I’m up at 6am getting my oldest ready for school, driving her the 15min to the commuter bus for that district. Then back home to lay down for an hour and then back up to get my 4yr old and myself ready. Get her to the sitter, FI to his brothers house so he has something to do until he goes to work later in the day and then myself off to work. Then work my 8 hrs, do my 1 hr commute and pick him up from his brothers, get the kids from the sitter, get home. Have an hour with the kids before bed which has to include, snack, bath, homework and lovey time. Oh and then HE wants to have SEX??? I’m all out of energy after all of that lol.
Post # 11
Same boat here… I had a Yeast Infection and couldnt and then he was sick and then I got sick and now he has a staph infection so we’ve been pretty much staying apart and its tearing our relationship apart… But he complains OMG I havent had sex is SO long… but in reality its like 3 weeks. I really dont miss it and I sorta feel guilty because he does and I dont 🙁
Post # 12
@Chiotilidieo: I was thinking that last night…that I didn’t really miss it like he did and felt like such a jerk about it! But, men really are more sexual then women in most cases.
Plus, on top of my crazy busy schedule I also take anti-anxiety meds which kill my sex-drive to begin with ! So, it’s just not always easy for me at all!
Post # 13
You ever hear that old phrase, “Men give love to get sex, women give sex to get love”? Sad but true.
Post # 14
@Pomapoo:Hmm I hadn’t really thought about it that way I guess. He doesn’t love me any less when we aren’t having sex regularly, he just has concerns about it. Idk, I’m just not sure I’m with you on that one. But, thanks!
Post # 15
I think you reacted really poorly to him.
I think calmly listening to your partner is vital in a relationship, and it sounds like you basically shut him down and made him feel ridiculous for feeling what he does. Part of good communication is making sure your partner isn’t misinterpreting your nonverbal (and verbal) signals. All this required was a sweet, reassuring talk where you explained your behavior so that he could keep that in mind next time.
But instead, you invalidated him, and round and round we go.
I think you should try talking to him about this again. You haven’t fixed the problem, and now he’s probably insecuse about not only the sex, but about how you view his emotions.