(Closed) Why is the 'dud' bridesmaid so common?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
9114 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Nope. No duds here.

Post # 4
8695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

No duds here and I really think it has to do with expectations. I think some brides are unreasonable. We are the ones getting married and not our bridesmaids. Some people want their friends’ weekends, money, constant availability, help with everything, etc.

Post # 5
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I have the MIA Bridesmaid or Best Man, but she’s always been that way since I’ve known her, so I knew what I was getting into. I think people don’t know what’s expected of them or feel to much pressure and then shut down.

Post # 6
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think part of this has to do with unrealistic expecations on the part of the bride; some brides think their ‘maids are going to be available to join in a dozen events starting with 4 trips to the dress shop, will do DIY stuff, and have loads of money to pay for expensive parties, expensive dresses, and the whole nine yards.

I think part of this is also that brides sometimes extend the invitiations to the wrong friends.  “BFF” doesn’t really mean “forever” for most people, and just because you were “BFF” in second grade doesn’t really mean you’re still all that close. Between some weird notion that you have to have a small army of bridesmaids, and not seeing that friendships do fade in time, you end up with a lot of bridesmaids who really are not that close to the bride.  This is perhaps hardest with younger brides, who are at a phase of life where they are going through a lot of changes. Their bridesmaids are too.  Just going away to college or moving out of your parents’ house for the first time changes your whole outlook on life and your priorities, and many friendships fade on their own once one friend moves away, gets a “real” job, settles down and stops partying, etc etc.  That could be the bride, the bridesmaid, or both; the thing is that you and your friend might not have such a strong friendship once these changes start taking place.

Be selective with your invitations and realistic with your requests and you will have far fewer problems. 

Post # 7
1548 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Out of 10 BMs, I have no duds. Its all about communication and expectations. These girls are my friends and close family and I know they are happy about my upcoming wedding, but in now way do I expect them to be as excited about anything as I am. I talk to my BMs vert often, but not just about wedding things – I think too many brides only talk to their BMs about their weddings, and nothing else. We need to remember that our BMs have other things going on in their lives, they don’t revolve around our weddings. 

Post # 8
2808 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

i only have two bridesmaids. and while i have some personal issues with one of them right now, it has nothing to do with the wedding. both have been amazingly good when it comes to wedding things, and one lives out of the country (canada.. but then again, i’m in buffalo, so she’s not too far away right now). then again, my wedding is over a year away. so we haven’t had to do much. 

i do think that some brides have completely unreasonable expectations of their bridesmaids. and that adds to the amount of “duds” out there. either that, or the girls chosen aren’t made aware of what will be expected of them. i think the trick is to be completely clear and open of what will be needed, at the very beginning.

Post # 9
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I totally have one of those… I wouldnt mind but SHE told me that she wanted to be my Bridesmaid or Best Man…/ wasnt even going to pick her originally…we have been Besties for like 9 years but I was just going to have my sisters and Nieces… But it made sense, and now she is absolutely a nightmare…. she will text me and ask how things are… we normal convo, then she brings up the wedding, I ask her to come dress shopping and then have dinner she is totally up for it… morning of just cancells… and the cycle continues…. OMG such hassell

Post # 10
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

While I do think there are women who expect too much out of their bridesmaids, I think the issue at heart is a mismatch of relationship value between the bride and the bridesmaid.  I mean, if people care and value the relationship, they are going to be as involved as possible.  If that relationship is there solely out of some sense of duty or shared history, and not because there is a legitimate connection, the heart of one or both parties is not going to be as invested.

Maybe the dud bridesmaid said “yes” because she thought that flaking out later was better than saying “no”.  I personally don’t see how that is easier from either side, but that’s just me.

I had a dud bridesmaid and I don’t think I asked for too much.  All I asked was for them to show up and pick a dress (I’m picking the designer, the color, and the fabric, AND paying for them).  The dud didn’t provide any input into the dresses, then after I said, “OK, go pick” e-mailed me to say that none of the dresses in the designer’s line would work for her and she wouldn’t be offended if I asked her to step down.  I was pretty peeved but c’est la vie.  If she was as emotionally invested in the friendship as I was, she could have done any number of things if she wanted to be in the wedding.

She later told me she couldn’t make the wedding because she and her husband decided to undergo IVF, but that I shouldn’t look at it as an excuse to not make the wedding (who would think that?).  She then went on to say that she wanted an invite still because she wanted to send a gift, because “that’s what friends do” (even though she earlier complained about not having the money to do anything).  At this point it’s pretty obvious that our relationship is not what I thought it was, and also that her view of weddings and what is important is vastly, vastly different from my own.

Post # 11
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

No duds here. I think a big part of it is either unrealistic expectations (either expecting too much OR having reasonable expectations but not keeping your friend’s personality in mind) OR asking people because you feel obligated/want even numbers/some other reason besides you are really close with them and feel they’d be a great support to you.

Post # 12
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

For the most part I expect them to show up and hopefully have some kind of cohisive attire. (Spelling?)  A couple of them are guys as most of my friends have usually been guys.  They very kindly said they would even wear a dress, and now I’m having to talk them OUT of this idea.  I have one bridesmaid that will be doing much to the Maid/Matron of Honor stuff as I’d love to have my daughter as my Maid/Matron of Honor, but know that she wouldn’t be able to handle most of it.  Thankfully the bridesmaid that I’m relying on for this is a rock!  She understands my reasonings, and I hope someday I can do the same for her. 

Post # 13
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I didn’t have a dud, but I’ve been a dud. I was not really in a place anywhere CLOSE to marriage and really had no idea what normal Bridesmaid or Best Man expectations are. I was happy for my friend, but didn’t realize I was expected to perform any thing besides show up. We were young, fresh out of college, and money was scarce. I feel bad about it in hindsight. I would make a much better Bridesmaid or Best Man now.

Post # 14
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I have NINE bridesmaids.. and not a single one of them has been a dud, thank goodness! They’re all excited and always willing to help me with any wedding related projects.. they always respond quickly and have their opinions but never shoot down my ideas. I can honestly say I think I have the bridesmaid dream team! 

Post # 15
503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I have 6 bridesmaids and while it’s very early on they’re all dying to do wedding stuff. One is in Missouri and we’re in Baton Rouge so obviously she can’t do much, but the others are begging me to let them help with anything, haha. My only real concern with the BMs at this point is one of them has a tendency to act very trashy when drunk and I’m terrified she’s going to embarass me at anything involving alcohol.

Post # 16
2226 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

lol… sounds like my sister.

Example: Comes back to our hotel room after the reception (read: 4AM) to collect “her things”. Do you even know what a wedding night is for?! CRANKY BRIDE RAGE!!

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