(Closed) why is the first year the hardest?

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 32
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@crescentloon23:  said,

I’ve read that it’s a combination of things, but figuring out the division of labor can be hard for a lot of couples.

Agree… for many couples that is HUGE, as can be moving in together for anyone who didn’t do that beforehand.

Also, the expectations of people around you might change when you get married (one trivial example is that one woman said when she was single, people would invite her to dinner, but once she got married, they invited her to dinner and said, “And bring a dish!”). I also heard that the “postwedding blues” hit some woman, and probably men, pretty hard. Once the wedding is over, it can feel like, now what? That might add stress to being a newlywed.

Also true… PLUS I don’t know if things have changed a lot since I was wed the first time 30+ years ago, but it seemed like almost right away, there were some ribbing / jabbing comments from folks… “Soooo, now that you guys are married… when can we all expect you guys to have children”  I got it everywhere… Parents of course (wanting Grandkiddies) but also from friends, at work “She won’t be here long, she just got married…. she’ll be off having babies before you know it”

THAT is a lot of pressure for a young couple / Newlyweds.  Cannot imagine what it is like for “Wills & Kate”

 

Post # 33
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@lilbluebird:  Glad to hear i’m not the only one whose been having a rough first weeks. It’s like even though we’ve been living together there has been a mental adjustment right? That’s what i’ve boiled it down to lol. I can’t wait for us to be relaxed again.

Post # 34
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@kryssbride:  How is that mental adjustment going now? 

Post # 35
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee

I just hit my 1 year not too long ago. And we were one of the married couples who weren’t living like married couples before the wedding. We moved in together after the wedding, then joined bank accounts and pretty much started building our house into a home from scratch. I don’t think I will ever look at our first year as the “hardest”. It has some challenges- mosty with figuring out finances and a budget but mostly it was a total blast. i’d consider myself very lucky if that ends up being the hardest of our marriage.

Post # 36
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Yeah I think I agree that its the moving in together thing that created that saying, divvying housework, merging finances, etc.  Probably made doubly-worse if you throw a pregnancy/newborn into the mix, too.

DH and I lived together for 2 years before getting engaged, and so far, those were the hardest years (suprisingly, the 4 years previous when we were long distance were super easy).  We had to learn to live with each others’ habits, how to adjust finances, and even though ‘who does what housework’ wasn’t a problem, HOW the housework got done was a fight for awhile (things like how frequently should the bathroom be cleaned, finding the line between “creative organization” and a mess in the office, etc).  We eventually settled in to a good routine that makes us both happy, but I’m really glad I wasn’t even planning a wedding at the time.

Post # 37
Member
1648 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2000

It’s probably if you haven’t lived together before marriage.  i don’t anticipate much change since we’ve been living together for years, but I do have a friend who was on a brink of divorce right after they married because they did not cohabitate beforehand.

Post # 38
Member
4575 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@vorpalette:  I see that too, but I dont get why its the hardest for some couples.  I dont think it was hard at all.  I still feel like we are still on our newlyweed stage.  We will make a year next month.  He is my best friend and I think that makes my marriage not hard, so far, at least.

Post # 39
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@Annie624:  I’m in the same situation – you have wise words to describe it!

Post # 40
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Fiance and i have lived together for years. We ironed out the crinkles and learned to love (or accept) each others weird habits years ago. I think that is why the first year is the harderst, because traditionally couples didnt live together until after marriage. 

Post # 41
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee

When I was married before, I really struggled with the first year of living together… it was just getting used to living with someone and dealing with their habits and realizing that you’re stuck with this person for the rest of your life.

When we got married (I think it was after 3 years of living together), the one thing I really had a hard time with was knowing that we were actually stuck with each other and if we got into a fight we were married so one of us couldn’t just up and leave. Obviously that ended up happening eventually lol.

Post # 42
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@kryssbride:  –> This.

I think with it being so commonplace to live together before marriage (we did too), that most of the issues associated with merging stuff, division of labor, etc, is not as much of an issue anymore.

But marriage is forever.  There is no more “I” – now it is “we.”  (and these definition do change after marriage). There is no more “out,” and while it may not seem like a big deal (“I love DH with all my heart, why would I NOT want to be with him?”) the little things can really work at your mental calmness  Like, all of a sudden, if you are unemployed, you have not worry about not only yourself (who would have been fine couch-surfing a few years ago) but also your spouse.  And,you crossed that big life event of marriage…so now it is time to start saving for a house…which means saying no when your girlfriends want to jet off to the Keys for a week.

Also – I’m not sure marriage is ever supposed to be easy.  Fun, exciting, loving…yes.  Easy….not as much.  I think if marriage becomes too easy, it usually means one spouse is not speaking up about differing opinions…which leads to resentment and all sorts of bad things.  “Issues” usually arrise when two people have two differening opinions…and that is OK to have differeing opinions….we are not clones of our spouses!  I’ll take “issues”, coupled with good communication, over “easy” any day!

Post # 43
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

The first year I lived with a guy was a massive mistake and I am so so glad I’m not from somewhere where it’s expected you get married before living together. We had a blissful relationship for about 1 year before deciding to move in together. Within a few months he changed from a loving sweet guy to a monster I didn’t recognise. Thank god I wasn’t married and could cut and run. That is why I 100% believe you should live together before committing to someone for life. 

Post # 44
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@ReyDar64:  Things are sooooo much better now. I think we’ve both settled into what marriage really is if that makes sense lol. After talking about what was causing our arguments is DH had an idea of how things were supposed to be in relation to how he grew up. Being that his mom would stay home, cook and clean and I believe in equality in the household. once he got over that we’ve been pretty happy. We haven’t argued recently and if anything bothers us it doesn’t escalate. So happy to hit our 6 month mark tomorrow lol

Post # 45
Member
1153 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

We are only half way through our first year of marriage and it’s been wedded bliss. The year before marriage was tough but we did a lot of hard work on our relationship that year and with the stresses of wedding planning and his parents breathing down our back it was a year of growing pains. My hubs owned before I met him & I moved into his home, which is now “our home.” We went to 9 or so months of premarrital counseling which was probably one of the hardest parts of the year before we got married but we grew so much closer because of that.  I think its one of the things that’s really helped us during our first year of marriage because it helped set some of our expectations regarding holidays, finances, roles as husband/wife, communication styles, how we would effectively argue, etc. 

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