- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2015
I have to admit Bee’s, I do try to be a patient be, a never-ending ever-faithful and dutiful “un-wife” so to speak. I have lived with my boyfriend for going on three years, dating for going on four and we “got to know each other” very well (we were best friends, with not nearly as many benefits as a lot of people thought but we still definitely had a romantic extension to our relationship)
I love him to pieces and I in no way want to pressure him. I feel like I’ve been a very patient waiter. I clean the house, do as much work as I can while I school, I do the financing and saving and everything monetary related.
We are in the works of buying a house, we are already saving and living in the basement of our future house. We plan and talk about ten years down the road. And fifty. We have serious plans in investing in the house, investing in a multi million dollar landscaping company that could be ours. Even talks about the whens and of babies. I feel so strongly that we’re borh on the same page as far as our future goes, I really do.
We’ve been talking about kids a lot lately, we have four beautiful nieces (twins from his sister, they turn three in August, and my brother has a one and two year old) so it’s hard not to have o future kids on the brain. We both want two (three maybe if we end up with two boys or two girls first) and we’ve talked aout raising kids ad enviroment and church and schooling options. Our house purchasing attitudes are strongly influenced by the future children and we do a lot of planning and organizing around our future together and as a family. Despite all my frustrations, I know without adoubt that he is my one. Sometimes you just know, and he is absolutely my person.
So tonight, I was feeling frustrated. All this talk about houses and companies and babies and puppies and “don’t worry its coming in a couple years we’re getting there” And yet even with free diamond ring and wedding rings, there’s still not even a proposal in sight. I don’t mean to be traditional but I never had plans of buying houses and making babies out of wedlock. We had a talk about it about six months ago and he dint’t really know it was something I wanted/thought it was a five or six year thing/didn’t understand why I needed and expensive ring to feel loved (expensive being entirely a presumption on his part, needing it to feel loved is mostly an innacurate presumption too) I tried to explain how a) it does not (actually I’d een rather it not) be expensive and b) I don’t NEED it to feel loved, I want it because I feel like it is the natural progression in our relationship a this point. If we are making a verbal and emotional promise of the future, is that not the time to take the legal/ceremonial aspect of the relationship as well?
So it was on my mind today and I can be easy to read (he knows me too well) and I don’t keep a secret to well but I told him I’m “not supposed to talk about it, it’s not my position” And he tells me not to worry, babies are coming soon. I assured him that was not what’s bothering me, I understand why we’re waiting and I think its a good idea and I want to wait to. So he thought a bit more and says “you want to get married don’t you” and I said again that it wasn’t mine to really talk about and he said I should talk about those things but I still ddn’t say much because I never really know how to broach that subject. He said he sometimes forgets I’m a girl and that I want things like pretty rings and dresses. and then he made some joke about me wanting him to marry me because I made him feel guilty or something ( I could be overstating, I was afew glasses of wine deep) So I said “and this is why I’m not spposed to talk about it” (totally truth!)And then he apologized and said he didn’t mean to shut me down and he does want me to be able to talk about these things and then he promptly fell asleep (like he can so aptly do, it makes me rather jealous)
Why why why is everything else so easy and wonderful to plan but marriage is so forbidden ad scary? I absolutely don’t want to pressure him and I DO want it to be on his terms too but I need to be honest about my feelings and sometimes I really struggle with how much he wants to plans other things and life and just skip over that step.
I just want to be his actual wife. I feel like I AM a wife already and we make plans as a future married couple but married is so taboo to talk about. We’re living it, why can’t we go d it? I’m sorry if this comes off as a “poor me why not me post” I don’t mean it like that bevause I don’t even feel like I’m not married. I just feel like I didn’t get the fun party/pictures/celebration and union aspect of it and I struggle to understand why it’s such a dfficult bridge to cross?
I’m going to try and go back to being the patient and loving waiting bee I try so hard to be now. Just remember all the reasons I love him and know my time will come when he gets his boy brain wrapped ’round all this crazy rriage stuff!