(Closed) Why is wedding ettiquette important?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I mean, its not really wedding etiquette, its more of common sense.  Im going through the same thing where people want to invite random people and paying their own way, its just rude to bring such a thing up! Maybe you can tell your Fiance that your parents are paying enough and you guys have to set a limit to the guest list.  But just to avoid conflict between you and the hubby maybe you can just suck it up and invite them

Post # 4
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Why is ettiquette important? Thats a bigger question than you probably realize 🙂 It is all based on social norms. Society couldn’t function if we didn’t have a set of unspoken “rules” by which we all should abide. Some are important and are the very foundation of our civilization (taboos)… like not killing people or not engaging in incest. Some are important but to a lesser extent (mores)… like not stealing. Some are just guidelines… things that wouldn’t get you in trouble REALLY but are still rules nonetheless (norms)… like not picking your nose or sticking your tongue out at people. 

Ettiquette generally falls into the “norm” category. If societies didn’t have complex sets of rules like this, how would we function? If no one cared what anyone else thought, everything would be chaos and in order to right things there would have to be laws for EVERYTHING. Social norms breed acceptance and predictability. 

 

Sorry. Sociology major here. 🙂

Post # 5
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

“He said that they do things differently in the midwest and that by me complaining about the lack of ettiquette and them putting us in a bad position, I’m basically saying his family has no manners.”

How about because they DON’T have any manners??  My DH’s family is the same way!  They are so clueless about ettiquette it makes me sick.

Why is wedding etiquette important?  Because it lays the groundwork for expected behavior, thus eliminating arguments over what should or shouldn’t be done.  So…if his family had one damn clue about etiquette, you wouldn’t be fighting right now because they would be acting appropriately.

Tell him to tell his parents the guest list is set in stone older than the tablets that the Ten Commandments are written on, and you WILL NOT add anyone else at all from this point forward.  No need for new conversation!  And tell him to grow up and figure out what is rude and what isn’t so that you don’t have to tell him.  He has Google access doesn’t he??

Post # 6
Member
355 posts
Helper bee

Ok, I totally agree it is ridiculous that your Future In-Laws keep inviting random people.   But I think it is actually better they are going through your Fiance rather than directly reaching out to your parents with their requests.  Personally, I wouldn’t want my parents to be put on the spot by ridiculous requests from my Future In-Laws when my Fiance or I could serve as a buffer/filter first.  Your Fiance should “manage” his parents and tell them these additions are not happening and leave you and your parents out of this. 

Post # 7
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Rather than explaining it as wedding etiquette, just think of it as party etiquette. If you were throwing a party for a friend’s birthday and one of the guests called your friend to ask if their second cousin’s girlfriend’s brother’s niece could be given an invitation, it would be weird. (1) Because your friend doesn’t even know that person and (2) because your friend isn’t the one hosting the party.

Post # 8
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Ok, that is ridiculous!! If they want to see the uncle’s ex-wife’s husband’s brother (am i close?) than they should do it on their own time, NOT your wedding! Tell them to meet them the next day or something. Seriously, it think it’s rude to offer to pay for their dinners. Also, maybe you should just call your FI’s mom and tell them from now on when it comes to guests, they need to call your parents directly. Then, your parents can deal with it and tell them that the guest list is already full, etc. Since they are paying for the entire thing, they have the right to control the list in my opinion. Actually, if you make his parents call yours maybe they won’t!!! Case closed 🙂

Post # 9
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

Oh good point snuggielove!  If his parents couldn’t go through you two, maybe they just WON’T go through your parents?  Grow up people!

Post # 10
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I definitely agree that your Future In-Laws were out of line. However, I’m not really sure that “wedding etiquette” is at issue here. To me, wedding etiquette is things like “don’t wear white to a wedding” or “shower guests should be invited to the wedding.” This seems more like a general etiquette issue. 

I think you and Fiance can agree that continued requests to add guests to the list so close to the wedding are inappropriate. At some point you have to establish that the list is final, no more changes from anyone. Now is probably a good time for that. 

Regarding your other points, I do think ideally parents would just talk to each other, but it is very common for in-laws to communicate through their own kid if they’re not close to the parents. This seems natural to me, especially for touchy subjects. Also, I do think that people adding guests should pay for them, no? We had requests to add guests from FI’s side and there is NO WAY we would have agreed on these extra guests if his Future Mother-In-Law wasn’t paying for them. 

I think the etiquette rules you are thinking of are observed only in a minority of geographic areas and social classes. So you can’t fault other people for adopting a more down-to-earth approach. At the same time, if this is important to you and  your family, you could always respond to requests to add guests with “I’m not sure, please contact my parents directly” and that will force them to do things the “proper” way or drop the request. 

 

Post # 11
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Agree with other bees above.  You can also tell them that the venue is at capacity and you cannot/will not invite anymore people. 

Post # 13
Member
521 posts
Busy bee

OMG! We will have a very small wedding, 40 or 50 tops. That is big to me since my wedding many many years ago was 15 guests! I hope there is no crazy desire to include superfluous people. I know bf wouldn’t like that either!

Post # 14
Member
1347 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I tend to agree with some of the other comments already posted. I think etiquette could also be understood as good manners and being empathic/kind/considerate of others. I think this request by the in-laws is inconsiderate, but it seems they don’t see it as such because they think it just has to do with money and meeting their own needs to socialize with so-and-so. They’re missing the real reason for the day: to celebrate you and your FI’s marriage.

At this point, I’m not sure that telling your Fiance again what etiquette is and isn’t, that it’s just the way things are would be helpful. I’m sorry he isn’t being more understanding, but he probably feels caught in the middle, and it isn’t fun to be either of you right now! I would suggest forget about “etiquette” in your next conversation, and just explain why it bothers you so much that they’re making all these requests. I think you have a right to be upset, but that it just needs to be communicated in a new, different way.

ETA: just saw your update, I’m sorry I’m being repetitive. I think a lot of what you just told us makes a lot of sense! Could you try (or try again) using the things you told us, leaving out those sticky phrases?

Post # 15
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Ugh, it’s tough.  Since you don’t seem to be getting anywhere on the “wedding etiquette” front, maybe it would be more helpful to just walk your Fiance through why each thing is not acceptable for your particular circumstances, and agree on what you’ll do about it?  I mean, at the end of the day, that’s what matters, and sometimes when you get into a big disagreement like this, you end up with trigger words (like etiquette) that set the other person off.  So instead of thinking “gee, you’re right, we don’t really want 4 other random strangers at our wedding… I’ll tell mom that’s not okay” he immediately goes to “you think my parents are boorish hicks”.  I’d try just talking about each situation as it comes up, and try not to make it a connected issue.

I have to say, though, for my two cents I think it’s better that they’re going to you not your parents for the guest list, because how are your parents to know who’s really important to your FI?  On paper someone may sound random but be in real life, they’re super important.  I have a second cousin once removed (I think that’s the proper term, anyway) who I’m way closer to than any uncle.  If I were your parents, I wouldn’t want the job of having to sort out who’s actual close to you and who’s a crazy request.  I agree about the paying for meals thing, though.  People might think they’re being polite, but to me it says I think the only possible reason you don’t want to invite these people is money.  Weddings aren’t concerts – not just anybody can pay for a ticket and get in.  You should only have people you really want there, regardless of if you can afford to invite more.  Good luck!

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