Post # 1
I wrote a post six months ago after my boyfriend and I discussed engagement. At the time, he told me that he had been planning to ask me in August while we were on my bar trip (we ended up going to Alaska) and asked if I thought that would be okay (I said it would). We’ve done a lot of planning/dreaming about the wedding over the last six months, but we haven’t told anyone, including our parents (or his sister, who lives with us)! He didn’t want to tell anyone until we had the ring.
It was hard for me to wait, but I knew that it didn’t make sense to announce our engagement while I was studying for the bar, and Alaska was only two weeks after the bar exam, so it was manageable. But then a couple of days before we left he made a comment that made me realize that he hadn’t bought the ring! In fact, it sounded like he hadn’t even seriously looked yet! We had a great trip, but no proposal. Well, now it’s been a month since we left on our trip and I still don’t have a ring – and I have no reason to think that he’s even been shopping!
It is now 9-10 months until our wedding (he wants June, I’m happy with June or July). He’s very excited about the wedding, talks about it happily all the time, and just assumes that we’ll get our first choice venue. At this point, I’m doubtful about that, and if he waits much longer, our choices will be severely limited. In fact, if he waits too much longer, I’ll probably have to rush order my dress!
I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to harass him about the actual proposal, because I want it to be a positive experience for him (he has read me some proposal stories and seems to think they’re really romantic). On the other hand, it really hurts my feelings that he hasn’t taken care of this already and it’s frustrating not being able to talk about something so important with my family.
Thanks, Bees. I really just wanted to vent. By the way, we’re 28 and have been together for five years (lived together for three).
Post # 3
i think his head is in the clouds and he’s maybe unrealistic? I’m also concerned that maybe he isn’t taking the whole thing seriously. Have you already paid for things? Did he pay for anything?
I think you REALLY need to sit down and talk face to face. Don’t even mention the ring. Just ask if he understands that things need to be booked and most planners start a year ahead- that you are stressed feeling like you are already behind. And, honestly…I think you need to tell him that you need to hear that he wants the wedding. Because he isn’t acting like it, and he isn’t doing the things he said he would do.
I’m concerned for you that your life is going to continue ot go this way, wedding or not…is it a pattern of any kind?
Post # 4
This does sound like a red flag to me, but only you really know. I think that if he was serious about getting married in June, he’d just ask you. There will always be something to “wait” for–in August it was the bar; later it’ll be something else.
I’d stop planning the wedding and just ask him if he’s serious about marriage. The ring is not really important, but announcing it to family is–that’s what makes it real.
Post # 5
I can see why you think it’s a “red flag,” but I’m not worried that he doesn’t want to get married.
We haven’t bought anything (except a few magazines). We did correspond with the managers of our first choice venue a few months ago just to get an idea of the prices.
Post # 6
I think you should just straight up ask him what the hold-up is. I mean, if he’s looking at venues with you he clearly is acting like he’s engaged, so what’s going on?
Post # 7
I’m with Lezlers, he told you specifically when he was going to ask you to marry him and then he didn’t. But he keeps talking about your future wedding, without a proposal. So the next time he brings it up, say “well we can’t really talk about that because we aren’t engaged.”
You two have made the joint decision to get married so it is now time for him to do his bit!
Post # 8
I’ve found out that with some things wedding-related, guys just dont’ get it. Maybe he doesn’t realize what sort of a timeline he’s giving you by waiting so long…that June is super popular for weddings, and if you want your first choices, you need to get moving like yesterday. Not saying it’ll be impossible, but we’ve been planning for two years for our wedding, not constantly, of course, lots of breaks, but booking things early is crucial in “wedding world”. Maybe you should just have a talk with him, simply ask him if he still wants to get married in June, and if he does, explain that you expect something to happen soon. No need to pressure him though, like I said, he could just not know how long a wedding takes to plan!
Post # 9
I think you need to let him know the following: 1. planning a wedding takes time and some venues/ photographers/ etc will be already booked. You don’t want to wait much longer before setting some details in stone 2. (if accurate…)You don’t feel comfortable doing any more concrete planning until you are officially engaged. So… you are a bit disappointed that you’re not engaged yet, especially after your conversation 6 months ago. Then you should just see where he stands and if he is making progress. It is possible that he has more done than you think, but I think it’s important you let him know that if he waits much longer you wont be able to have the wedding you want in 2011.
Post # 10
I talked to him about it. I guess it was a mixture of putting it on the back burner because we’ve been so busy and not really registering that we needed to get moving. I’m still disappointed that he dropped the ball, but he felt really bad about it.
However, the good news is that we have a new plan.
We’re going to tell my parents this weekend (we invited them to dinner). This is awesome because I’m going on a road trip with them next week and now we’ll have something fun to talk about in the car. It also means that I’ll be able to book the venue/caterer and go dress shopping.
He’s going to pick out a center stone in the next couple of weeks and propose with it in a basic setting so that I can have a ring when we announce our engagement (I don’t really care, but it’s important to him).
Then he can take his time picking out/designing a more unique setting (if he still wants to).
It’s not a fairytale romantic story, but it’s a huge step in the right direction!
Post # 11
Not everyone has a total surprise proposal, and that’s okay. It sounds like your plan is great and it still have some traditional elements that people expect and like to see. Now you can worry less about the ticking time till you wedding day and can start planning. Soon you’ll be officially engaged!!