(Closed) Why Men Marry B*tches!

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’ve read both of Sherry Argov’s books, and while they are entertaining reads, are at the “shallow” end of the relationship self-help section.  The tone is similar to “He’s Just Not That Into You”.

John Gottman’s books are the best re: relationships, especially “The Relationship Cure” and “7 Principles for Making Marriage Work”.  While I haven’t read all of either book, “Why Men Won’t Commit” and “Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others” would be more helpful than the “Why Men Marry/Love B*tches” books.

Post # 5
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

@Dell79:  I read it and felt like if you took the jist of it you could gain more confidance from it, but, overall, I felt it applied to some men, but, not the majority. Basically, use the skills in the book if you need to, but, don’t use them if you don’t have the kind of man that would respond to the type of treatment or woman it advises you to be.

Post # 6
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Never read it. Personally I’m a fan of Patti Stanger’s book How to be your Own Matchmaker. The gist of which is basically that you are worthy of being in a fulfilling relationship and shouldn’t put up with BS from anyone just to be in a relationship, because life is too short to waste it on Mr. Wrong. Wow, that was a mouthful, haha.

Post # 7
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I SWEAR I am engaged because of this book.  I recommend it to EVERYONE.

 

ETA:  Seriously.  Loved it so much I’d be happy to chat about it.

Post # 8
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve read it. I think it was “Meh”. I know that the underlying message is supposed to be “You’re amazing and a great catch. Don’t settle!”, but for me some of that was lost on examples of women playing games etc. I read it quite awhile ago, but an example that stuck out in my head was a woman who had an agreement with her husband that whomever was home first would cook dinner. So… this woman would drive around the block for a few minutes to ensure that her husband was the one cooking dinner. Details are a little fuzzy, but it was something like that. I just… can’t play those games.

I would have preferred a book that didn’t come across as shallowly.

Post # 9
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Ashenstar:  I’m sorry, but that is funny! I could see myself doing that….and I could see Fiance doing that…We’d probably have a stand-off on the porch haha! 

Post # 10
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee

@Lee_Ann:  Yeah, I can see that being funny when both people know what’s up. Some of the things in the book just came across as manipulative, such as this.

It’s a really really fine line to walk, and it sounds like you are you guy err on the still funny side.

Post # 11
Member
307 posts
Helper bee

*blushes* i’ve read both books. the tactics work. they do. they are pretty much “don’t be too available” “don’t try too hard” “don’t act like you like him more than he likes you” and then he will try harder.  basic psychology. i know plenty of calculating chicks who live by this stuff and they really calculate.. it’s cool, it works for them. i tried it but in the end it just didn’t feel like “me.” rather than make me feel better it made me feel sort of empty.

they are fun reads.  you will get something out of it.

Post # 12
Member
324 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I thought the book was GREAT.

What I got out of it is that women overcompensate- they try to do too much for the men they date, they revolve their lives around these men, they put up with the man’s BS. What I learned from the book, which I think is valuable to ALL women, is that YOU are enough. Instead of a fancy dinner that you slaved over for hours, he should be happy with a nice simple dinner that you made for him. If he’s late, fine. You made other plans because you’re not waiting around for him. He won’t drive out to see you? That’s fine-  you’ll see him another time when it’s more convenient for him.

It’s about being level headed, not emotional, it’s about being smart, having your own life, and always being confident enough to walk away. Because if a man knows that he has you wrapped around his finger (which is what he thinks when you overcompensate for everything), then he feels he can get away with more, because he’s overly confident that you’re not going anywhere. But if you have your own life, hobbies, friends, and you’re strong, confident, and no-nonsense, he’ll always stay on his toes because he doesn’t want to lose you.

My favorite examples were: if you hand a kid a toy he’s been dreaming about, he’ll play with it for a while then get bored. If you keep that toy on the top shelf, and make the kid actually WORK for it and finally get it after a month, he’ll cherish it that much more because he worked for it. Or, if you drop a moose on a man’s doorstep, he’s going to thing “There’s a dead moose.” But if he actually HUNTS for the moose, he’ll proudly display his catch.

Real life example: my SO is a real catch. But when we first met, I was honestly not interested in him. I had my own life, friends, I was busy, I liked him but quite frankly didn’t really care one way or another. He worked really hard planning dates, he always did super sweet things for me, and even though I told him multiple times i wasn’t ready for a relationship, he stuck around. I was a challenge to him. 4 months later, he won me over. And he’s been an amazing bf.

Edit: this all happened before I even knew about the book. I’d also like to add, that in college, I dated a REAL asshole. Talk about me overcompensating! Some of my most pathetic moments? Waiting in line for an hour to get a free burrito at a new Chipotle opening, and saving it for my ex to eat. Chasing a postal car down the street to make sure my ex got an important piece of mail. Scrubbing his filthy apt on my hands and knees so it was clean for him. Toting around his dirty laundry to my apt because he was too “busy” to do it.  Gawd. I was so pathetic and needy. And guess what- he treated me like shit because he knew I wasn’t going anywhere. He had nothing to be worried about. Now imagine if I was only occassionally available. If I didn’t tell him exactly where I was at every moment. If he was lucky enough to hang out with me. If I straight up told him I would never tolerate his disrespectful words to me. Things would be a lot different.

Definitely worth reading, IMO.

Post # 13
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

i just posted about this in my thread here a cpl of days ago, the thread ‘books i read while *waiting* its a really good book, i like that she interviewed men to get their perspective on what it takes for them to commit. she has some good insight, i credit this to my current engagement now. you really have to soak up the information and use a hilighter for sure.

Post # 14
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MissTaken:  Exactly what I was going to say about the book!

I really enjoyed it. Give it a read and see what it does for you! 

Post # 15
Member
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@Ashenstar:  I will join Ashenstar in the dissenting opinion, I suppose.

Honestly, I read it years ago when I really believed that it was necessary to keep “mystery” to have a man interested (or keep him so). I was really insecure at the time in myself, and kept thinking there was a “trick” of some sort to having a man fall head over heels with me.

It was not really until I said “f all that” and just stayed authentic to myself, and open and honest with any potential partners, that things really improved when it came to my relationships. With my husband, there was NEVER any game-playing, pretending to be “busy” if I wasn’t, and nothing except completely open, and honest communication and being genuine with each other. I truly believe that the reason we have such an amazing relationship is because we truly know each other, and allow ourselves to be known.

There was never a need to be anything but ME for my husband to want to marry me (and vice versa). That is very refreshing and comfortable. I am loved absolutely for ME. My husband wants to be with ME for who I am. I cannot imagine playing games like avoiding coming home to avoid cooking supper. Why not just say “hey, babe, can you cook supper tonight, or can we take turns during the week”? I know for me, I would NOT want to spend a lifetime with someone where those sort of power struggles existed. It seems false.

No tricks, no secrets.

My completely personal and subjective opinion is that there are some men who will indeed be more attracted to a woman practicing these sorts of things (just like with the Rules, etc). However, I also think those are not the sort of men I would ever want as a life partner, nor would that be the foundation I would want for a lifelong relationship.

While I think that one thing from the book – confidence – is a good takeaway, I do think the way it goes about it is inauthentic. I would also say that there is a big difference between genuine self-confidence in yourself no matter what happens in life (even through disappointments), and confidence that you are coming ahead in some sort of power-struggle/game and therefore won’t get hurt or disappointed.

ETA: In addition to the Gottman books already described, I also recommend “Are You The One For Me” by Barbara De Angelis. Both my husband and I have lent our copy of this book out to a few people! I am much more of a fan of books that promote wise decision making, self-improvement, and relationship skills over those that “teach” you how to “win over a man”. 

Post # 16
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Ashenstar:  Yeah, we find each other hysterical!  We are like a tv sitcom sometimes. I think we are just so easy going, and play jokes on each all the time so things like that are funny to me.  But I can also easily see how manipulative that is and i’m not about playing those kinds of games either.  

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