(Closed) Why not wait?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I can see both sides of the issue. On one hand, being married isn’t the be all, end all in a relationship. If there is a valid reason for not wanting to get married yet, I would be okay with that. For instance, wanting to finish all schooling, have a steady job, have been dating for X number of years, have lived together, etc. 

But I think that at some point, if someone’s SO just really wasn’t excited about marriage (and I’m talking about marriage, not a wedding… two totally different things IMHO) that’s a bad sign. Say you’ve been in a relationship for 10 years, already live together, both have steady jobs, and have been living as if you were married for years, and your SO just kept saying they weren’t ready and didn’t have a reason, or kept thinking up new ones… that would make me wonder if they really wanted to be with me. 

Post # 4
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

B/c its more about the commitment, the official seal. If you’re waiting 2-3 years for him to realize that one day he wants to marry you, then no big yet (unless you’re in a hurry!). But if you’re in a relationship longer than that and he hasn’t realized that he wants to offically spend forever w/ you too, then most girls would start to wonder…

I’ve never experienced that issue, but many have. I know I just want it to be official. In our hearts it is, and our families know it too, but there is just something about that wedding day and marriage certificate. 🙂

We’re still waiting b/c of school/$, but he unoffically proprosed like 3 years ago… lol.

Post # 5
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

There is a certain point at which waiting has moved into the being taken for granted column. Even people who will someday make good spouses can do this to you.

Post # 6
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

because you don’t want to commit your life to someone who isn’t willing to do the same for you. period. Love is not enough to make a relationship work, it is a two way street and if you have a one-sided relationship you’ll ultimately be unhappy. 

I’m lucky in that I didn’t have to wait very long, but I absolutely see why putting a time limit on it is smart. 

Post # 8
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

yeah this makes sense… but I kinda understand why people might think this way. Once I was engaged to my sweetie, I refused to change our wedding date because I didn’t want to wait any longer to marry him.. I mean yeah we’re already engaged, but we were considering waiting a whole ‘nother year…

I mean yes, in one sense if I had to, I’d wait a life time for him because I couldn’t imagine loving anyone more.

but on one hand, I want to be married to him more than anything… and I’m stubborn haha.

Post # 9
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

@lilybee – but marriage is the equivalent of commitment, which is what I think Corgitales was saying.

Especially for us as women, tying ourselves to someone makes us vulnerable, so I don’t think it strange to want a commitment from our partner.

Also, not everyone believes in there being ‘the one’ person for you. Many people have priorities beyond simply finding their soulmate (or someone who they believe to be so) and then seeing where the wind takes them/their relationship. There are many social and relationship goals that people have as priorities too, especially having children, that require a committed partner (and marriage is the standard way to indicate this commitment).

I think it’s really smart to have a limit and be aware of the other factors 🙂

Love alone does not rule the world.

Post # 10
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I agree with CorgiTales.  Its like on Harry Met Sally – Once you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.  For most people, the next logical step is marriage.  I know for us, I had no idea he was going to propose, I didn’t think it would happen for some time, and it resulted in a 2 year engagement. Once I had that ring, I wasn’t really in a rush to get married, but only because we already had  timeline for kids which won’t happen for a few more years.  We were already looking for a house together, but haven’t found one yet, the only thing that I hoped to happen was finding a house after we got married so I could have my married name on the deed! (You have to pay like $300 to get it changed after the fact). That by no means is the reason we haven’t found a house though. 

I guesss my whole point is that life is a series of milestones, and for most women once you found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want to marry them to have the statusof that.

Post # 11
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

 Because you don’t want to commit your life to someone who won’t do the same for you.Period

That’s it in a nut shell! I agree with everything Corgi said.

A smart woman will put a cap on it. I had a friend(28, husband is 30) who married her husband after being together for 7 years and their son was 4. She always hung on, waiting for him to get ready and once the son was 3, he was ready. It worked out in the end, but I, myself, am not trying to be in that situation of wearing a man down, having his child and living with him for years, before he decides he WANTS to marry me. (Not like the situations where a man has said he will marry a woman.)

 

Post # 12
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Ditto Corgi.

i am TOO GOOD of a catch to wait around for somebody to dilly daddle. I want someone who loves me, not someone who can’t decide whether or not I’m worth the committment.

I love my husband but I’m also quite practical about things. If I hadn’t married him, I’m sure I’d have found somebody else I loved in due time, also. To me, that is the way the world works.

Post # 14
Member
2532 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@lilybee – I totally agree with you! If my Fiance hadnt proposed I would have stayed with him…FOREVER. Yes, others would have probably questioned my sanity, but I am in the same thought as you that if you love someone and if they are “the one” then it doesnt matter. You can be 100% committed to a person without getting married. For example, gay couples cant get married and it doesnt make their love/committment for one another any less valid because they cant get married. Marriage is an institution created by the government and it doesnt necessarily prove anything.

Post # 15
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

Lilybee- It’s not a Marry me or else, at least not the kind I think about. After discussing the fact that you will get married,life is pretty much ready and then 3 or 4 years passing and no engagement, a conversation happens. Is this really going where it was headed a few years ago? What do we both want? We are at a point where things should be happening. Not should as in society says, but should as in where the couple thinks their relationship would be at this point.

I think of the marry me or else group of women as the women who have dated their men and never really discussed marriage and what it means to them, but they see their friends getting married and want to have a big party and don’t want to be left out. Just up and tell their SOs it’s time to get married. No prior discussion whatsoever about if they even want to get married.

Nothing wrong with thinking a certain way. It’s a good thing. I have always felt this way, so it’s not just me and my current SO.LOL

Post # 16
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

@clarebee – Gay couples don’t have the right to marry in most states according to the government. It’s not a choice. Plus, I personally know gay couples who have had marriage ceremonies even if the state wouldn’t recognize it. I agree that marriage does not equal love, I just think that the analogy doesn’t really apply. 

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