(Closed) Why not wait?

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

For me, I want children, but I am not going to have children with “just” a boyfriend. 

Luckily, my Fiance feels the same.  If he didn’t, we’d be parting ways right now instead of planning a wedding.

Post # 18
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think that marriage can mean different things to different people; to us, it signifies not only a lifelong commitment but the formation of a new family.  If I was sitting around waiting for my boyfriend to be “ready” to see me as the primary member of his family, I would question if he was truly “the one”.  When Fiance and I fell in love, we couldn’t wait to move forward with our lives together; there was no waiting for anything, we made the decision as a unit.  

I also believe that, although the government is involved in making a marriage “legal”, the quality that makes a marriage valid in our hearts is the state of mind of the couple.  FI and I live together and consider ourselves married in our hearts, but are having a wedding in September to take care of the paperwork and celebrate with friends and family. I live in CA, where unfortunately not everyone is able to have a legal marriage, but I have many friends who have had marriage ceremonies and wear wedding rings and consider themselves married, even though the laws discriminate against them (hopefully that will change soon!).

Post # 19
2530 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Lilyfaith – I know that gay couples dont have the right. And I understand that the analogy doesnt 100% work, but I was just trying to make a point that you can be in a fully committed relationship, not be married and still love each other/want to be with one another forever. Sorry if I offended you

Post # 20
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

For me it’s about the commitment- legally, spiritually and personally. I also want to celebrate the commitment with my friends and family. I think I wouldn’t be so anxious to get married if I didn’t want kids. From what I understand, having kids is hard and having a partner that is committed to you makes the process easier. I also want the legal protections and rights. I don’t want to be in my 80s and refused to see my ailing love in the hospital- or vice versa.

Post # 21
5867 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Corgi – Sing it girl!  I’ve never heard anyone put it quite like that.  You don’t want to commit your life to someone who’s not willing to do the same.  Period.

That really sums it up to me.  A long term relationship is about goals.  If you’re goals are not the same you’ve got to part ways eventually.

Although lilybee I do get your point.  It’s not just about the guy being ready in a relationship, it’s about him being ready for himself.  I get that and I totally agree.  But at some point there has to be alignmnet between where two people are in their lives and if it’s never going to mesh that’s a problem.

That said, I’m not really the kind of person who believes there is one perfect sole mate for each individual in the world, so I’m sure that influences my opinion.

Post # 22
191 posts
Blushing bee

For me, it’s about sharing the same values. Marriage to me equals a lifelong committment as well as the beginning of a new family (with or without kids!). If after x number of years of dating he still isn’t sure if he wants to marry me or if he can share that kind of committment with me, then adios. Even though I may have found the man that I want to spend the rest of MY life with, if he isn’t open to a marriage with me and he isn’t sure if he wants to spend the rest of his life with ME then it’s time for me to move on and find someone who wants that kind of committment just as much as I do. And yes, there are many couples who live together happily without marriage and yes, there are many unhappy marriages, but for me it is a personal preference — I choose to be with someone who not only loves me and cares for me, but also understands how important the institution of marriage is to me and the kind of committment that comes along with it. 🙂

Post # 23
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Because if a man swears to me that he is committed and wants to spend forever with me and is sure but is just not ready for marraige – I believe he is lying.

It’s a kind of societaly acceptable lie, people say “I want to be with you forever but I’m not ready for marriage” and we all act as if that makes any kind of logical sense.  It doesn’t.  I guess you can love someone and want to be with them always but if you don’t want to marry them then you’re not sure you will be with them and you don’t want to commit.  There might be some extremly unusual circumstances where this doesn’t apply but generally it holds (I might not have needed the legal paperwork if he had officially and explicitly committed to me and had been a radical feminist opposing the institution of marriage for a decade.)

I know myself and I’m unwilling to invest myself to the emotional degree that I would be invested in a guy after 10 years and acting like a married couple if he is not going to invest in me in a similar way.  I have to protect myself. 

You’re right that sometimes the hesitation is about the guy and not the relationship but it doesn’t matter what the cause of the hesitation is – if the guy can’t commit to me or value me enough because of his issues and not my issues that doesn’t make the fact of the lack of committment any better.

Marriage doesn’t equal love but there’s no reason not to get married if you are commited to your love.  I deserve a relationship where I am as important to him as he is to me.  I crave the security.

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